Panic attacks

I'm just a wee bit concerned. My son is playing "Mario" on the "Game Cube" and there's this "Chainchomp" thingy that honestly looks like a... um...butt bead. Who creates these characters anyways??

Ah, but that's not why I'm having a panic attack. I couldn't get to sleep last night because I'm trying to figure out what to wear for New Years Eve. I can't handle this stress! I have this really cute outfit to wear with my "Hooker Boots", but it's more of a "GNO" outfit, not a "NYE, Blind date" outfit. It's really cute though. Denim mini skirt, black leather hooker boots, army green short jacket over a lavender boob shirt... It's an awesome outfit...but it says "Prostitute" all over it. It's totally something I could wear to Babylon... so yeah, I've decided against it. Now, I'm back to square one. I so can't handle this stress. And it's not like I can ask anyone here for advice. If it was up to my dad, I'm sure I'd be wearing something that resembles a straight jacket. If it was up to my mom, I'd probably wear something with kittens or Tigger on it. If it was up to my kids...well, you get my point. I need help. This calls for a serious intervention.

Enough about that...I'm sure I've lost my only male reader by now. Hee hee.

So the end of this month has been pretty amazing. I've been reminising about all of my good friends and my family and how lucky I am to have such a great support system. I am very fortunate. I haven't had that overwhelming feeling of lonliness in a little while now. My friends have surrounded me. My friend, Smurphy, and I shared a Christmas Eve together. Trishy sent me a much needed and perfectly timed text message letting me know she loved me. My friend Taryn called me Christmas day just to say "Hey". Layli' called me from Iowa where she was spending time with her in-laws. My buddy Ray gave me a big hug before we left work and told me I was "the best X-Ray tech in the world." Andi flew all the way across the country for me...okay, so not just for me, but she took time out with her family to have lunch with me while she was here (and once again the poor soul listened to my "wine banter.") And that's just my friends... I am such a lucky girl. It's been a long time since I've felt this loved.

While talking to Andi over wine and fine italian, I reminised over where I was a year ago. I was in such a bad, dark place a year ago. It's amazing how much control I've taken over my life in the past year. It's amazing how much better life becomes when you pull the weeds and water the flowers from time to time. Andi said that it seemed like I'm "coming into my own." So it seems. Yeah me. Let's dance shall we?

So the STBX has forgiven me. Yup. Sent me another email letting me know I was forgiven. Great. Now I can so go on with my life now. WTF? So, I guess I should probably forgive him for going out and buying the boys the same Christmas gifts that I bought them, AFTER he called me to ask what I bought them. The nerve. Whatever. It doesn't really matter to me. I'm not letting anything he does get to me anymore. It seriously doesn't matter, it's like it's all bouncing right off of me. That means I'm healing right?

I took the in-laws out to lunch yesterday. It was our own little Christmas celebration. I'm really close to his grandparents. I've talked about them before. They are like my own and vice versa. The boys and I spent some time with the grandparents, the FIL and the SIL yesterday. It was just like usual. Nothing felt odd or missing. I didn't have a difficult time with it at all. And just as a side note: I assumed my SIL knew about the STBX's "friend"... but nope. No one knows about the friend, well, at least until yesterday they didn't. Oopsie. But my SIL asked if she could play some head games with the new friend when she finally does get to meet her. Ha. Um. Sure. Whatever you feel the need to do, it's out of my control. SIL said she'd probably make a few "oopsies" and call her "Carol." Ahhhh...that SIL, she's out of control and I might love it. I know, I know. It's terrible. But it's not like I told her to do it. It's out of my control and it's slightly funny.

Well, my mother has given me a list of chores to do today. No, I'm not kidding. So it seems that my computer time is up and I should get started on the chores if I want my allowance this week. We'll save that "I'm a grown woman" rant for another day...

All Clear

"You can come out from under the bed now Carol, Christmas is over!"

I sit here wasting time until my children get back to me. They were three states away with their dad and his family since Thurs. I haven't had my "Christmas celebration" with them yet. I'm excited for them to get back home.

The weekend wasn't so bad. I only cried once and that was all my mothers fault. She recently found out that her aunt, that she was very close to, had died... in July...yes, and none of her "family" felt the need to let her know. Those bastards. But, anyways she found out last week and it just hit her Christmas morning. Those bastards. Enough about that.

So, of course mom and I went shopping this morning. Nothing cures like a few shopping bags to drag home. I bought myself a little something(s). Merry Christmas to me. Hee Hee. I bought some more new towels (for my new life) and a pair of black leather knee high boots to wear so I won't have to dance completly naked anymore. Yeah me.

my babies are home.... bye

I'm happy, damnit!

It's Christmas weekend. I don't have to be back to work for another 11 days. I won't be seeing my children until Monday night. There is very little that I'm looking forward to this weekend. I refuse to pull the covers back over my head and have a pity party. Like Morelli said, "Never say die." So in honor of restoring my soul and finding a healthy balance, I've decided to do a list of things that make me happy and things that I look forward to in 2006.

1) I really enjoy getting a back massage at the local salon. The table is heated, Christi is the best, and I just feel so at peace and so into myself for at least one hour.

2) I really enjoy a good movie. It doesn't matter if I rent it and see it at home or see it in the movie theater. If it makes me laugh or touches my soul...I hate to see it end. I want the story to last forever.

3) I love it when I walk into the house after work and my boys run to me and hug me and sing "Mommy, mommy, mommy." I love that attention.

4) It's a great feeling when I'm driving down the road and a great song comes on the radio. I bump up the volume a little bit and sing along. That's such a great feeling of delight when the tune makes your heart light and puts a smile on your face.

5) I like British accents. It makes me giggle and feel just a little romantic.

6) I like gardening. I like laboring the dirt, the planting, and tending, and harvesting and finally cooking. The stages of life. (Nothing saddens me more than when someone else feels the freedom to harvest the fruits of my labor. Yes, someone felt the freedom to harvest my fruits this last year - the MIL...I had to say good-bye to my garden when I left the STBX.)

7) I love the colors of the wheat fields. The vivid kelly green of the winter wheat and the reflecting gold of summer wheat.

8) I love Halloween. I love dressing up in silly or dramatic costumes. I like decorating the house with skeletons and candles. I love the thrill of just a wee bit of "scared."

9) Morelli. Morelli makes me happy.

10) A lilac breeze in the summer. Have I mentioned I love lilacs?

11) Key lime pie. The bitter-sweet mixture in a perfect soothing texture that tantalizes the taste buds.

12) A good book. Just like a good movie. I love when I can sink into a book and feel like I personally know all the characters and that I am "involved."

13) Emails from friends. I open my email a dozen or so times a day and I actually smile when I have a little something from a friend.

14) The perfect fit jeans. I struggled with jeans for years but this fall, I finally found a pair of perfect fit jeans. I bought 4 more in different washes. I've never been so pleased with jeans in my entire life.

15) My thick white terry cloth robe. I fell in love with the complimentary robes at a hotel in Baltimore... the STBX bought me an identical one last Christmas (it only took him 4 years.) But none the less, I love stepping out of a hot bath and into my robe and slippers.

16) Livingroom Superstar concerts. I love the voice of Trish Monaco!!! especially when it's a private concert in her living room. Nothing like it.

17) Funny people. I love when I am around sarcastically funny people. Everything's a joke. Imagine an evening with Chevy Chase, Drew Carey, David Letterman, Mike Myers, Will Farrell and George Lopez all at the same table. My jaws and my abdomen would literally hurt for weeks. I love to laugh.

18) Starbucks Venti Caramel Macchiato. Mmmmm... even better when they are given by Morelli.

19) Yoga. I love yoga. I miss yoga terribly. My body misses yoga. But I will have yoga again soon. Can't wait.

20) The perfect fit bra. So far my favorites have come from The Gap. Off the sale rack of course.

21) Watching my kids grow and prosper. They are very creative, funny, smart boys and I love to see them succeed and become.

Things that I look forward to in 2006.

1) Touch. I miss touch. I'd like to have someone that I could slide my cold foot over to in the middle of the night. I have newly acquired standards or boundaries though, so it can't be just anyone. It'll be nice to have my standards met. It may not become reality in 2006...but the search will be fun won't it.

2) A new house. Well, it doesn't have to be "new" it just has to be mine and my childrens home. I'm really looking forward to running my own home again. Making a home for me and my boys to share in 2006. Soon. Very soon. I can feel it.

3) A working business plan. One of my best friends and I have been preparing for a business plan. We've recently dedicated at least one night a week in preparing for our new business. And it'll be coming along nicely. Being our own bosses is in our near future.

4) Good times with new friends. I have a New Years Eve blind date. Honestly, I'm scared as hell. A big group of co-workers and close friends are going out to a comedy club on New Years Eve and I am being set up with "a friend of a friends boyfriend."

5) Yoga. As soon as I'm settled in a new home next year, I will then be close to a yoga studio where a friend instructs. I can't wait.

6) Making the perfect sugar cookies. The MIL passed down a secret family recipe. I've tried twice to duplicate her cookies without succeeding. This year is different. This year I'm determined to succeed...and then I'll mail her (the MIL) and the STBX a box of the best sugar cookies ever. Heheheehe. ahhhh. This is what I have planned for this weekend.

I'm sure there is plenty more I look forward to, but those are pretty much all I have time for... that secret family recipe awaits my attention.

Seeking classification

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend about religion. Here we go into that ever sticky, thought provoking subject. Religions fascinate me. I like to study the history of religions. I love the programs on TV every year about the birth of Jesus. Scholar after scholar will give you their "opinion" of what happened.
Religions, it's one of those things that we use to divide our identities. For instance; I have several "Christian" friends, several "Baha'i'" friends, several "Catholic" friends, a few "Jewish", a few "Apostolic", a few "Jehovahs Witness" and so on and so forth. Out of all the things that bind us together in this world, we constantly feel the need to separate and classify. There are even subcategories. Baptist, Lutheran, Orthodox Jew, Roman Catholic etc...etc...
So here I sit wondering to myself...what the hell am I? Where do I fit. These are my beliefs...but what category do they fall in?
I was raised "Christian". I attended church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and Thursday nights for 16 years. I believe in a higher power, one God. I believe that Jesus existed. I respect what Jesus stood for, just like I respect what Abdul Bah'al stood for, and what Abraham stood for, and Mother Mary and Confucius and... you get my point. But I swear, and I don't attend church, and I can't stand syrupy gospel music... so I guess I'm not "Christian."
One of my childhood best-friends was "Catholic". I attended my first Mass with her. I will most likely attend Midnight Mass with another Catholic friend this weekend. My degree is from a Catholic University where I studied both the Old and the New Testaments at great extent, but my degree is in Science. I believe that there are "demons" and "angels" and I adore the movie "Stigmata." I don't give up anything for Lent. So, I guess I am not "Catholic."
One of my best friends, in my adult life, is "Baha'i." My employers are "Baha'i." I deeply care and respect them as loving individuals, but I do not put my faith in Abdul but that doesn't change our love for one another.
There are some "pagan" beliefs and rituals that I adore, but I am not "pagan."
There are a lot of Native American beliefs and rituals that I adore, but I am not Indian.
I hold dear a lot of "Jewish" principles. I understand the struggles between Israeli and Palestinians. Both of my boys were circumcised. But, alas, I am not "Jewish."
"Scientologist?" No. "Unitarian Universalist?" I'm not entirely sure.
There are a lot of things I am not, but I'd like to live by the things that I am and I'd like to respect the beliefs of others. To me, it will always be "Christmas" and there will always be a "Santa Claus".
It doesn't matter to me what others say or how others believe. I know what I know, and I'm open for new ideas and new loves. I believe in a lot of things with my whole heart. My God is not greater or lesser than your God. I will not judge you by your faith. I will not occupy your land and make you live by mine. Nor will I blow up your bus because you are the anti-whatever. I do not seek classification and I'm okay with that. I still love you and I would hope that you still love me.

For Morelli; A Christmas toast

To my Morelli with all of my heart, where ever you roam may you have peace.
Lyrics from a song by Candlebox.

It's Alright

It's alright what you confess to me
Where you're at right now baby, it's alright with me
Behind your truths or somewhere inside your lies
These long cold days of gray, they color your eyes
And it's alright, what you confide in me
Where we're at right now baby, it's where we need to be
And I can see things so clearly through tear-stained eyes
The side effects of time in all our good-byes, and it's alright
I got lost some time ago,
Lost in your song, your touch, your smile
And where I want to grow old
And you glimmer and gleam like a blond-washed hair from an ocean-side domain
Drifting into me, I found myself again, in her song
It's alright what you say to me
How you feel right now baby, shows an everlasting need
Behind the truth, there's something inside your lies
These long cold days of rain, they're hiding your eyes
And it's alright, what you express to me
Your song escapes me to this place I want to be
So sing to me baby, your song can carry me
Through endless weeks of rain and onto sweeter things
And it's alright
I got lost some time ago,
Lost in your song, your touch, your smile
And where I want to grow old
And you glimmer and gleam like a blond-washed hair from an ocean-side domain
Drifting into me, I found myself again, in her song
Oh sing to me baby, your song can carry me
In all she's revealed I found I could always see
How her ways could flow and run over me
And I found this reason to learn
And i found this reason to decide
As many days come and many days go
I'll never know why
And it's alright
I got lost some time ago,
Lost in your song, your touch, your smile
And where I want to grow old
And you glimmer and gleam like a blond-washed hair from an ocean-side domain
Drifting into me, I found myself again, in her song

I spy with my wandering eye

It's like going to a public place to "people watch." Here are some things I observed at my extended family Christmas event. (Names have been changed to preserve the ignorance of the innocent.)Aren't families fun!

I spy with my wandering eye:

1)Grandma putting on her "granny square sweater." A hand crochet sweater vest of multi-colors worn every year by my dear grandmother.
2)The biggest freakin' cheeseball ever made. For sure, we all gather at the bar for pounds of cheeseball and salsa. It really is an embarrassment. Cousin Greg very politely asked where the vegetables were. "Are you kidding me? We're meat and potatoes people. Most of us don't even know veggies don't come from a can."
3)Me, sitting in the corner swearing at myself because I forgot the alcohol.
4)Uncle Bark, legs extended, cheeks smashed in a pillow, snoring, while everyone else is looking for a place to sit. My boys had fun planting bows on his forehead and taking pictures.
5)Kristine, age 85, the "Nanny" of the family, one pant leg shorter than the other, telling wonderful stories about how all my aunts and uncles acted like idiots as kids.
6)Cousin Gris, built like shit brick house, lives in a comic book world where he is the ultimate superhero. After graduation he plans on walking from his house to my house... a whole state away. Thinks it should take him about 2 weeks.
7)Bubba, age 12, the foulest mouth in the mid-west. Also pyro-maniac: caught his mothers kitchen table on fire.
8)Cousin Liza, pissed off at the world and would rather be on her boyfriends Harley. Has to very loudly announce how she "ain't doin' dishes, cuz she did dishes at Thanksgiving." Great, now that we have that settled, how bout we just load the dishwasher.
9)Uncle Benny, Baseball fa-na-tic! Did you know his baseball team went to finals at somewhere and somewhere this year? Beer and baseball this, Beer and baseball that.
10)Aunt Nebbie, sweetheart of a gal. Head of the OB ward at the local community hospital. Was pretty mortified when she found out I was pregnant at seventeen...how on earth would she show her face around the OB ward, A WHOLE STATE AWAY?
11)My dad, 350 lbs in a lime green T-shirt, deaf in his left ear and can't hear worth a shit. Plants himself in the lazy boy from the time we get there till the time we leave. My saving grace at these fun family get togethers.
12)De Lajola, age 20, The hot Mexican boyfriend of cousin Lendys. All the women in the house say "yummy". Of course I've been there and done that, no Mexican cuisine for me thanks...I'd rather have a nice Jewish boy and skip this whole Christmas thang(that one's for you Chuck. Winka winka.)

Everyone's an expert!

Warning: this one might be laced with a little "fuck you" mentality. I'm in the zone as I've just gotten back into town from a weekend "Christmas with the extended family" AND I just read an email from my STBX about how "life is so peachy with my new fuckin' girlfriend." (Disclaimer: Anything I say here cannot be used against me in a court of law.)

I've come to realize that there are experts everywhere! Just listen and you might learn something...oh...no...is that shit I see overflowing from your mouth? I see your mouth moving but all I hear is "Blah blah blah."

I was a little reluctant to go, once again, to an extended family function. The last time I made the trip was July. About the same time when I had decided to leave the STBX. I finally got up the courage to tell my grandmother what my plans were and her reaction made tears well up in my eyes. She just shook her head and said, "Well yah let me tell ya, it's no fun to be alone." "Thanks for the support grandma, I knew I could count on my family for comfort." So, as you can imagine, I couldn't hardly wait to go back for Christmas. Alone.

And then of course there are all the other aunts, uncles, cousins etc...that have "been there and done that" and love to give advice. Fortunetly for me, I had a scape goat. The big hit of the party this year was my cousin who had Bariatric Treatment 5 months ago and has lost 98 lbs."Oh thanks Aunt Nebbie, I'm doing fine, really, by the way have you seen Greg? Doesn't he look fantastic?"

Which brings me to my cousin Greg. He really looks great. He's a much, much nicer person to be around. His whole demeanor has changed since he's lost so much weight. He was handing out weight loss techniques left and right. Complex B vitamins this, Whey protein that...Oh and then there's always the expensive and painful stomach stapling...that always does the trick.

There were multiple conversations about how so-and-so should really quit smoking because,"like, DER," that's how grandpa died from cancer. "Shudup and let them have their deadly vice already."

Or there's always the chatter about how my freshman cousin shouldn't be dating a senior. "Yah, because like, no one else here has ever married a 21 year old when she was 17."

A whole freakin' weekend with unsolicited advice is just about enough to make you jump in a pool of sharks with "laserbeams." But no, the saga can't end there. I have to come back to my humble abode to an email from my STBX that reads a little something like this:
I do appreciate Tara very much but not because I would be alone otherwise. And I'm not saying any of this to hurt you or anything. Tara is like me in most ways, not that she plays guitar or builds stuff or anything, but rather our temperaments, personalities, sense of humor, among many, many other things are very similar. It is the most unusual feeling, very surreal, to be with someone that you just get. You just know what that person is thinking. What that person would like. How that person feels. You were absolutely right when you said one should see oneself in the other in a relationship. It changes everything. You and I were to dissimilar to ever have that to any great extent. I'm so sorry things worked out the way they did. You will find someone, and it will hit you like a ton of bricks, it will come at the least expected moment from the least likely angle and you will just know almost immediately that it's right. You do however have to be very skeptical and question everything in the beginning. We talked on the phone playing 20 questions(20 million)for weeks before ever even having dinner. I would recommend that to anyone because it forces you to get to know someone and get a feel for who they are before you take the next step, and the next, etc...And we still enjoy talking at great length every night. I could write all night on the subject but I will stop. You probably don't really want to hear it. Just be sure you're with the right person. For yourself and for the boys. I wish you peace and happiness through the holidays and in the coming year.

So yeah, dude, like who wants to help me plan a freakin' wedding! "I'll be there will bells on MoFo." I'm having visions of the cake knife.
*Ha! Side note: The spell check doesn't recognize "STBX/Soon to be ex"...it's suggestion is "Stabs." I'm liken it.

Tagged, Nailed, Bitten, Picked, Slapped ... all good in my book

Sneakz "tagged me." I've never been "tagged" before. I'm it! I'm it! So...10 things that I always say...

1) GDMF. I don't feel right typing that one out, my mom would have to come clean my keyboard off with a bar of soap. It's probably the foulest language I ever use and naturally I use it in the car... when some freakin' idiot feels the need to pull out in front of me. I once said this to a truck that so kindly pulled out in front of me. 10 miles down the road we stopped at the same gas station. Lets just say the driver of the truck can read lips because he apologized for pulling out in front of me. His apology made me feel bad for my choice in language...but I still use it.

2) Let's roll!. I say this all of the time when I'm herding the boys towards the vehicle. Sometimes I say "Lets rock n roll" or sometimes I just scream "GET IN THE FREAKIN CAR!!"

3) Freakin. As in "freakin moron" "freakin idiot" "freakin car" "freakin snow" "freakin code"...used to describe just about anything when I'm frustrated with something.

4) Hola. I answer my phone "Hola!" I introduce my presence with "Hola?" To my loved ones I say "Hola mi vida" And of course, it's said without an ancient because I'm a Mid West white girl.

5) Right on. Okay, I admit, I stole this one. It's all Trishys fault. But I use it to validate other peoples thoughts and opinions as if they were waiting for me to validate them.

6) So Like. As in "Ok, so, like this one time at band camp" or "Yah, and I'm like what?" or "So like, I'm sitting there and she says to me." So like has been with me for a while now. And like, I'm not going to ever, ever get rid of it, so like, deal with it. No, I've like never lived in the valley.

7) For Real. As in "like, for real, dude."

8) DUDE!!!. Shudup. I've said this so often that my boys have picked up on it. I've been called "DUDE" by my own children. Lead by example. At least I know my kids listen to me.

9) I'm totally not okay with that. Okay, so what? I stole that one from Trishy too...and I use that to validate MY feelings. hahahaha

10) mmm...yummy. As in describing the opposite sex. I seriously drove by a man pushing his shopping cart across the parking lot the other night. He was starring me down like I owed him money and at the same time I said "mmm yummy"...outloud...to myself. When asked what a male looks like, I will often reply with "he's yummy." Does that make me a sexist pig?

I'm going to add a few of my newest as well...

11) Boom Shaka Laka Totally stole this one from "The Duke Boys." Yuppers...I'm liken it.

12) And last but not least..."Turns out, Bitch is an asshole"... as in used to describe my soon to be X/Co-parent and basically how I felt about his character. As in he's a "pussy" and he pissed me off. I'm sorry, but that's just funny! "Bitch is an asshole" hahahaha. I'm so damn creative sometimes.
Oh no...here comes mom with her bar of soap.

A Christmas Joke for Me

This joke was sent to me (Carol) today...
Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," says Saint Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man goes through his pockets and>pulls out a lighter, flicks it on, saying, "It represents a candle." "You may pass through the pearly gates," says St Peter.

The second man pulls out a set of keys, shakes them and says, "They're bells." St Peter lets him pass.

The third man looks desperate and finally pulls a g-string from his pocket. St. Peter looks quizzical and asks, "Just how do those symbolize Christmas?" The man replies, "They're Carol's."

*After reading this I'm left pondering (and wonderfully fantasizing) about how this poor guy died holding my panties...Now that makes for an funny joke. Or not so funny joke if your a sex starved single woman.

They don't make this stuff easy do they?

I'm trying to add all of my favorite blogs to my sidebar...with the help of Freeep, I finally have the secret code. Let me just say this isn't easy for code challenged people like myself. I don't have time to sit around my computer screen and decifer codes (hence the multiple same day entries and rambling on not much of anything...while at work.)
I thought I just had it all in there and I hit some button and :poof: it was all gone. Which left me screaming "CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?" For the love of Pete, who writes this code anyways?
I think I'll make up my own code. It goes something like this @#$##%$ - now decipher that why don't ya.

* Update: Well, I did it successfully. All the links worked and I was able to customize it a bit. It was only minimally painful. Now...I should really get back to work. It's a damn good thing I don't get paid to write code... that was only mildly more boring than the "Viral Hepatitis" article that's calling my name.

My "To Do" list that I just can't seem to concentrate on

I'm still in that "Spring Break" mode and I just can't seem to get myself to do anything productive. Will someone please light a fire under my ass? (Although, last night I did make 4 tree onaments out of that "bake and make" clay I bought at the hobby store a few weeks back.) Here's a list of things I should be doing instead of making lists of what I should be doing.

1) Remember those CD's on how to speak Russian? I made it through the first lesson diligently. I think those CD's are in my car. Lately I'd rather sing with Janis than listen to an instructor teach me Russian. My tongue just doesn't roll that way naturally.

2) I need to get 10 more continuing education credits by the end of December to keep my license up to date. Every 24 months, I have to get 24 CE's by way of educational courses or directed reading tests. I have a zillion Radiology magazines either in my bag or in my inbox to read and take the quiz. I read an article last week and did take a quiz on "Aortic dissection"...there's one CE out of the way. Only 9 more to go in the next 3 weeks. Will the next article be "Viral Hepatitis" or "Wet and Dry Laser Imaging?" Ug.

3) I need to wash my Jeep. It's pretty...well, slushy looking. I get free car washes from the dealership I bought from. I just have a stupid phobia about driving thru a car wash. Am I supposed to wait for the green light before I put it in neutral? Should I bring my mirrors in? When is it over and can I drive away? I won't hit the person in front of me will I? Think that's bad...I was in my early 20's before I pumped my own gas. No, I'm not joking.

4) I need to really do some research on my business plan. I'm usually all about research and organization, but for some reason I just can't seem to dedicate the time to it.

5) I need to hand wash my sweater and tights. They've been sitting on my chair for almost two weeks now. Why on earth did I buy something I couldn't throw into the machine?

6) I need to call Lee and see if he can work on my transmission (the Jeeps transmission. Get your mind out of the gutter.) I've (the Jeep) been slipping in 2nd for over a year now. I had a transmission flush last October and that didn't take care of the problem. I think I'm just terrified to put any more money into my Jeep.

7) I need to buy my mother-in-law (whats his names mother) a birthday card. I have to sign it, stamp it, mail it and it needs to arrive to her 4 states away all before Sunday. Especially now that she sent me a very impersonal Christmas card. Something like "We hope you the best." Ack. After 11 years of being her only daughter (in-law) and all I get is a "we hope you the best." Now that's closure for ya.

8) I need to stop at the store on my way home to buy butter for my mom. Mom needs 24 sticks of butter for Christmas cookies. I hate grocery shopping. Hate it. I'd rather head bunt an armadillo. While I'm there I guess I can pick up yogurt, bagels and cottage cheese...my staples.

9) I really need to get my shit out of the house ("our" house that whats his name is living in). I still have lots and lots of things I've accumulated over the last 11 year marriage that I need to put into storage. I need to get it out before it gets his girlfriends cooties on it.

10) I need to finish reading "Boundaries" and "Shadow Dance." Both books are marked about 4 pages in. Self help or fiction...it's a toss up.

11) I need to go thru the boxes of stuff I did take out of the house and look for my little cookie press thingy. The kids want to make Christmas cookies. Um, have you ever heard of "Break & Bakes?"

Okay, STOP...this isn't really doing much for me. I'm going to have to stop before I'm completely overwhelmed. Maybe I should've done a list on things I have crossed off of my "To Do" list... like for example: Retreived all of my important paperwork for my attorney. Signed the kids homework. Washed and put away the laundry. Read all of my favorite blogs. Separated mine and whats his names auto insurance. Took a mandatory parenting class. Made someone smile today. Tried my hardest to figure out how to add blog links to my sidebar...still working on that one. There...that's better...feeling better now.

20 more things...

1) I once mooned my mother on her birthday. Someone had to do it, might as well have been me.
2) I had a hog roast at my wedding reception. Say it with me - Back woods.
3) I've listened to a nun talk about a roman orgi.
4) Fleece makes my skin crawl
5) I was born and raised on the music of Willie Nelson, Kenny Rogers and The Oak Ridge Boys
6) I've seen The Beach Boys in a private concert in Atlanta.
7) I've never received flowers at work. I secretly covet them. I secretly envy all the women whose husbands or boyfriends send them flowers at work.
8) My husband (soon to be ex) (whats his name) bought me flowers twice. Once for Valentines day when we had just started dating and once when I was in college after we had been married for a while (neither were delivered to me.) My mom bought me flowers once when I had a really tough week. My dad bought me flowers after I gave birth to my youngest son. Andy (a guy I liked in Highschool) bought me white roses once. But my most cherished gift of flowers came from Tim in the 6th grade who picked lilacs from the bush in his yard. I LOVE lilacs.
9) My brother and I conspired many "set-ups" together. We once got him kicked out of school for the day on purpose. He smiled to me as Mrs. Hacker dragged him out by his earlobes.
10) I will never back stab my brother. I would kill to protect my brother. And I'm his little sister.
11) A couple of drinks and a few weeks ago, I have a feeling I told the whole bar about my divorce and adopted the quote "It turns out, the bitch is an asshole." That pretty well sums it up. A few Jack & Cokes and I can't guarentee what I might say.
12) I was totally kidding about the third nipple. But I have received some deep tissue radiation.
13) I think the thing I miss most about "being a couple" is the sex. I'm so very craving sex.
14) My biggest pet peeve is wrinkled clothes. I will not wear wrinkled clothes. I will not put wrinkled clothes on my children and I hate when other people wear wrinkled clothes.
15) I'm secretly in love with Jack Black, oh and I like Gwenyth Paltrow.
16) I cried when Princess Di died.
17) My toenails are always painted, but I never paint my fingernails. I'm OC when it comes to filing my fingernails.
18) I check my email about a zillion times a day.
19) I've seen some really gross things in the medical profession. But the only thing that has ever made me gag was when I had to clean up a big crusty booger off of my exam table. I seriously thought about quitting that day.
20) I hated college. I did my time, I got out and I will most likely never return. I always do what needs done. I don't like to waste time.

20 things you know that you wish you didn't.

hmmm. I'm bored (noted by the multiple same day entries here). So lets do a "How ever many things about me" shall we?
1) I can't get past the fact that my mom watches football. This apparently has happened in the last 11 years while I was out of the house. It's not right. Every freakin' TV in the house is on Football. Does she even know the rules of the game? I loathe football.
2) I can't stand anyone else using my bathroom. I have sat in pee multiple times now because my youngest son doesn't know how to raise the lid.
3) I shave my toe hair. Just the big toes. When you are as white as I am, there is no hiding hairy legs or hairy toes.
4) I figure my bills at work. Yup, like you don't. Don't look at me like that. I might as well spend the money the same place I make the money.
5) My all time favorite movie is Night at the Roxbury. Shudup.
6) I'd rather have a tamale any day over a hot mexican man. Trust me. Tamales don't break your heart.
7) I believe in God, but I refuse to go to church. God is everywhere not just in church.
8) I am so proud of Rafe for not eating the chicken.
9) I am very particular about the way my laundry is done. Don't touch my dirty clothes. Thanks, but please don't.
10) I can't stand to have more than one person in the kitchen at any given moment. Too many cooks in the kitchen makes me want to pluck someones eyes out.
11) I enjoyed the ballet much, much more than the Van Halen concert.
12) I drive an SUV. You try living in the Mid-West between the cornfields in 10 inches of snow and not having a 4x4. Don't call me when your Mini Cooper gets stuck.
13) I love peas in my mashed potatoes.
14) I've received some deep tissue radiation. It's okay, I just have a third nipple now. Hazard of the job.
15) The most exciting story I have to tell is about how I saw Matthew Fox in Casa Del Mar while I was doped up on dramamine.
16) I got a little irritated this morning when I saw a bumper sticker on a Subaru that read "Make trade fair." Mid-West= manufacturing= lots of lost jobs to foriegn countries.
17) My favorite club to go to is a "gay club" called Babylon. The building is the best, the people are beautiful and the music makes my bootie shake.
18) I took a speed reading class in Highschool. I cheated off the "Rain Man" next to me.
19) Bologna makes me vomit. I can't even watch someone else eat it.
20) I'm terribly jealous of my brothers long eyelashes, his tough ass fingernails and his ability to crush people with his mere words. Oh, and the fact that my granny loves him more than me.

Tis' the season, ya know, and all...

How did I forget this one? An entry by redsneakz over at Separation Anxiety reminded me about my company “Holiday” party. How on earth could I have forgotten to mention that episode?

Every year I am usually in charge of planning a fall company “retreat.” (I love party planning! I do. Just ask Andi about my Halloween party obsession. Has there ever been another Halloween party in the Mid-West with a belly dancer? I think not.) Anyways, this year the party planning was taken off of my hands (something about me having too much stress) and it was decided that our fall company retreat would be cancelled and instead we would have a “Holiday” party. I think all I contributed to this party was a “Sure, fondue sounds nice. I’d go with the green beans. May I suggest open bar. No, okay then cash bar is fine.”

Way back in September I had asked DK to attend this Holiday party with me. I was not going “stag”. No way, no how! Well, with all those issues surrounding DK and myself…guess what…I went stag. I debated on whether to go or not. I was in a rotten, loathsome mood. But, I had already bought a new outfit and my boss did plead with me to come (“screw the date” I think she said.) So I pulled out the big guns, hot rollered my hair, pushed up my tits and made it one hell of a “dancing queen” night. “Screw the date. I can dance alone.”

I arrived (late) with Layli’ and her husband Scott. All the tables were full except for the one right up by the podium (the boss’ table.) So the three amigos (Layli’, myself and my good buddy Ray/ AKA troublemakers) all had to sit in the front of the classroom by the teachers desk. Did I mention this was the Bahi’ table as well? No. Oh, well 4 out of the 7 people at the “teachers table” were Bahi’ and do not partake in alcohol…including the boss. I actually had Tracy hit the bar for me and bring my drink (a tall Jack & Coke) to me as I buried myself in the back of the room as not to be seen partaking in alcohol by "the teacher." It’s not like the whiskey didn’t permeate thru my pores for the entire rest of the night, but Hey! At least I danced a bit better.

I did have a slight chuckle when K left the room during the couples dance. (Ahhh, poor K…no DK to dance with…why don’t you go call him and tell him how hot my tits look tonight.)

By the end of the night, my friend Taryn had found a very prized possession. She had found a ditched name tag from another party being held that night that read “Hello! My name is Tootsie Whitmore.” Taryn pasted the tag to her left breast and became a very half-cocked Tootsie. Priceless.

We had a little “after-party party” and I ended up dancing until my legs hurt. I can shake my bootie just fine thank you, date or no date. Tis’ the season ya know and all. Can't wait till next years party. Ug.

Charting the course.

This entry is just so I can come back a year from now (if I don't get so absurd and DELETE my entire blog again) and review where I was and where I am. Hopefully this time next year will look much brighter.

Now that was a difficult weekend! I’m not going to lie, I was pretty darn low. The kids were with their father all weekend. I had very little on my schedule to keep me busy. I actually had to will myself out of bed Sunday. I just lay there until 11:30 trying to hide from the world. The bright snow struck earth was seeping thru the windows. My bladder was bursting with enthusiasm for me to get up…but I just couldn’t. My mind was screaming, “No, you can’t make me deal with this!” I had plenty to get done(housework) but all I could think about was the fact that I was alone. Each time I would enter the kids room to put clothes away, I had that sudden longing to hug them and touch them.

All I kept wondering was what it would be like if twenty years down the road I was still alone. A spinster with a deep cleft in my soul. I’ve never had to deal with this type of loneliness before. Of course the parenting class I took Saturday morning didn’t do much for my ego. The instructor touched a lot on how divorce is like grieving a death. Grieving, with that added element of r-e-j-e-c-t-i-o-n on top of it. Ug.

My phone rang a total of two times the whole weekend. Once to baby-sit and once to be invited as a third wheel. But even at that point I couldn’t talk to the caller. Nothing to say. No news to share. No one wants to hear about how warm my blankets are, how my stomach is forming an ulcer and how my dogs breath really, really smells bad. Or how I was watching the fifth film for the weekend.

I was so happy to hear my alarm go off this morning. Some place to be. Some people to talk to. Somewhere to belong. Something that needed me as much as I needed it.

I woke up in extreme panic on Sunday. I was thinking about my "relationship" with DK. Another grief on top of losing Mars. Had I quit on him too soon? Had I cut DK off too soon? Was I becoming what I so disliked about Mars? When I didn’t fit into Mars’ plan, he cut me off, marriage over. Was I becoming that person? Was that selfish of me? What happens if I see DK in public, can we be considered friends? Had DK’s anger subsided? It had been a week since I talked to him last. Surely we were past any problems we had and could process and communicate like adults. I didn’t want to be close; I just wanted to be civil. So, what to do? What to do? Text Message, ah ha. I sent a little text message his way…and waited the entire day to hear something back…and got NOTHING. Apparently I have my answers. Moving on…

So, I’m learning to “trust the process” and learning to love the “ebb and flow.” Learning to just be with myself, be in myself. (Yes, Trishy I steal a lot of your words. Right on.) Trying to keep that candle of hope lit for a better future ahead. I do believe in fairies. I do. I do.

“The instant you learn to love yourself, is the beginning of the ultimate life long romance.” A line from the fifth film I watched over the weekend. Yes, damage was done through that whole process with Mars. But I have to admit, I’ve come out of it. I am no longer dealing with self-esteem issues (much.) I have forgiven Mars for hurting me. I can dance without caring. Now, apparently, I have to deal with the loneliness factor. It’ll pass in time just like the self-esteem crash did. Boom shaka laka.

Expression

I'm not digressing here, just greiving I guess. For months I've been trying to put into words how I felt the days after Mars told me he was no longer attracted to me. I've tried to truly express how it happened and how it made me feel, but most times my words just don't give it any depth. Anyone close to me could obviously see the effects it had on me for days (months) afterwards, or anyone that has worn those shoes surely knows the pain. For some reason I keep feeling the need to explain it as though I was trying to get a total stranger to see through my eyes. Maybe, if someone else could truly feel my pain, then my pain could become a lighter burden.
I'm not sure teh obsession behind this, but as I watched the film "An Ideal Husband" today... I found the words, the scene that I myself had felt.
Scene: Lady Gertrude has just found out that her husband has been keeping a secret from her. Years of unity shattered because of one thing he did not tell her. She feels betrayed. She has lost hope in him and their divine unity. Eyes saddened with tears, her heart is broken and she turns to Sir Robert and says:
"You were to me
Something apart from common life
A thing noble,
pure.
The world seemed to me finer,
because you were in it.
Goodness more real because you lived."

I had the worst Valentines day ever this year. The only word that seems to give that day any justice is "grey." Everything was grey. I couldn't have smiled if my life depended on it. My heart literally ached. My chest had a hollow feeling. My throat had a big lump in it. My eyes were sunken and sad. My head ached. Mars broke my heart and broke my soul. I no longer knew him. He was no longer mine. My world was no longer good. Days that followed were filled with rage and overwhelming emotions. I wanted to slam my Jeep into a light post just to take the feelings away. I wanted to burn his garage down and dance around the flames just so he would notice me. That is how I felt and for some reason it's important that I try to fit words to those powerful emotions.
Today, I've pretty well forgiven him. He's never asked for my forgiveness or even said that he was sorry. I think I've just accepted it.
I still have overwhelming feelings of sadness and lonliness at times. It comes and goes. That's normal.
I'm looking forward to the day when I can feel joy again. Just simply joy.

Calling on my virtue of patience

Where art thou, thy virtue of patience?
So yes, to address my rant the other day about the required class on parenting...I just didn't feel up to addressing any more issues. I'm tired. So tired. I just want to feel happy. I took (and paid) for my class this morning. It was actually a little interesting and I owe it to the instructor (a single mother of 2 boys.)
Now that I've finished the required class, I get to drop off a little certificate with my name on it to the court house. Just to clarify, this is a class Mars is required to take as well...there are no custody issues. I will be deemed sole physical custodian and we will have joint legal custody. No problems there, we both agree that the other is a good parent and our children deserve both of our parenting skills.
My rant was mostly about the poor timing of it all. All of it. Just sucky timing. But is there ever a "good" time? Well, no.
Let me tell you that (for me) getting divorced, and the lonliness that follows...is the absolute worst thing that I've ever had to deal with in my whole life to this point.

On a totally different and lighter note...some films I might suggest if you haven't already seen them:
1) Pride & Predjudice 05' - this one choked me up and I don't usually get choked up.
2) Dukes of Hazzard (The unrated version. Loved Willies jokes)
3) An Ideal Husband (with Rupert Everett)

Beginning again

Every day is a fresh beginning
Listen, my soul, to the glad refrain.
And spite of old sorrows and older sinning,
Troubles forcasted and possible pain
Take heart with the day, and begin again. - Susan Coolidge

I am committing to make every day a new day. I am committing to making my life what I want it to be. This is my chance to choose to be happy.

Total rant about the unjustice of it all

I'm a soon to be divorced parent of two children. I am currently supporting my children by myself. I'm okay with that. I love my kids more than anything in this world! I've heard over and over "think of the kids" while going thru this divorce. Amazingly enough it always comes from the mouth of someone that has never been thru a divorce. It angers me. I AM thinking of my children.

Mars filed for the divorce late November. Mars has to have the divorce now. I was in no hurry. Yet still I heard about how Mars will have very little money for Christmas for the kids because he had to hire a lawyer. I quickly reminded him that it was his choice, I was not in a hurry. I too am hiring a lawyer. Let me tell you all about the retainer fee that I've had to ask my parents to cover because I am a single mother of two children and I am not receiving child support at this time. Sure, to hire a lawyer was my choice as well. I didn't feel comfortable "just signing off."
A lawyer insures that I get my fair share from 11 years of marriage. I felt the retainer fee was worth my peace of mind.

I received a letter in the mail the other day saying that I am expected to complete a program for divorcing parents. It's court ordered. If I do not complete this program within 45 days of the filing(Jan. 4th), I might have consequences to pay. So it's taken me 3 days to contact the program director. She finally calls me back and explains the program. The program is 4 hours long, available this Saturday from 8:30 to 12:30. To prepare for this program I am expected to fill out a two page registration, to access the internet site and complete a set of "commitments" that will take me at least 3 hours to complete (not kidding, it says Note: this can take up to 3 hours to complete), and to bring a money order for $50.

I'm sorry, but I feel a little robbed here. I will do whatever it takes because this is "for the children." It seems a little ironic to take 7 hours away from a single parent, never mind the endless phone calls over the past three days just to find out about the program...and now I have to pay $50 to complete the course on parenting so I can show a judge a certificate that deems me a "fit parent." $50 is a lot for a single mother, at Christmas time, with a retainer to pay... hope the kids like PB&J cause there just went their lunch $ for the month.

Saturn in Review

I know I’m a bit premature here, but I’ve recently been reviewing this past year. I’ve been putting things into perspective: Where I was this time last year vs. Where I am now.
Let me just say that it’s been quite the year. I’ve come a long way if I do say so myself!
Just a snapshot of my year:
December 2004 – This time last year I was in a major depression. I had been on Prozac (or the likes of) for almost 2 years and I just couldn’t kick it. Winter hit me harsh and I needed to get away and needed to bring myself together.
Andi and I started planning a trip together. We didn’t know where we were going at first, all I wanted was a week without responsibility, lots of sunshine and maybe some palm trees.

January 2005 - Somehow we (Andi & I) ended up in California (after asking Trishy if she was a psychopath killer) and made some beautiful friendships with some J-land girls. Thus started the “Yakkies” and the beginning of life long friendships. I got a whole lot more than sunshine and palm trees didn’t I. Even though I haven’t seen those Yakkie girls for almost a year…we’ve still remained together throughout the year.
In January 2005, I also started a Yoga class for the first time. I love Yoga. I haven’t been able to make it to a class since August and I miss it very much!

February 2005 – I came back from California with a whole new perspective on life. I began reading my most cherished book “Silencing the Self: Women and Depression.” A lot of things started clicking for me and I stopped my anti-depressant and have not been back on it since.
February is my birth month. I turned 28. I was in my Saturn cycle. If you know anything about being 28 and being in “your Saturn”…then you know what this means. “Hold on, it’s gonna be quite the ride.”
Last February is also when I met my beloved Layli’. She knows all about being 28 and in your Saturn and she’s been a good listener and a good hugger. Layli’ came to Indiana from Hawaii the year before. Our paths didn’t really cross until February when I was trying to explain my “yoga release” and the friendships I made in California. Layli’ just looked at me and said “That’s beautiful” with full understanding in her eyes. From that day forward Layli’ and I have been very close and shared the roller coaster of this past year together.
Last but not least, February was the time when Mars let me in on the little secret that he wasn’t happy in our marriage and hadn’t been for a long, long time. It’s all in the timing. I ask myself, “What would I have done if I hadn’t have had my Yakkies and my beloved Layli’ to help me thru?” “Could I have handled that information just a couple of months before when I was severely depressed?” – Everything happens when it’s supposed to happen.

March 2005 – In March, Layli’ and I started a fitness plan together. My yoga instructor and good friend Jennifer made up a fitness plan and kept us motivated. I lost 20 lbs by July. I’ve bought myself several pairs of size 6 jeans. Layli’ lost tons and is still losing to this day, she’s looking at size 4’s and 5’s.

April 2005 – In April, Mars and I took my whole family to Chicago over spring break. My mom, dad, brother and his family. It was a great time. We stayed at a great hotel by the lake, visited The Field Museum and Rainforest Café.
In April, Mars and I started our very short lived visits to a marriage counselor. Counseling didn’t work out so well for us.

May 2005 – Andi grew big balls and headed off to live in California. It was a very sad day for me to let her go, but I knew she would be in good hands with the rest of The Yakkies.
In May, I also became a “soccer mom.” My youngest finally got his chance to play soccer. We spent several weekends on the soccer field.

July 2005 – July Mars and I had our 11th wedding anniversary. I say “had” not “celebrated”. July was when the time came for me to leave Mars. We spent the previous five months in pure hell trying hard to overcome our marriage problems and not getting anywhere. Five months of red hot anger, lots and lots of tears and a couple of nights spent on our own. Five months of trying our hardest to fix the bonds that were broken. I grew tired and I had to quit. The boys and I moved in with my parents towards the end of July and we remain there today almost five months later.
July was also about the time when my Morelli and I became very good friends. He talked me thru a lot of my turmoil during that time. Morelli clued me into what love really was. I learned a lot from Morelli…he’s one of the men in my life that isn’t afraid of swimming in the deep end. It’s really a shame (for me) that Morelli is already spoken for. That would be my luck, but at least someone is a very, very lucky woman.

September 2005 – Mars and I decided to put our house on the market. It was time for us to both let go. September was a month for acceptance, for all of us. Mars started dating and so did I (sort of). I met Donkey Kong in September. We had a few months of lots of fun and laughter. Even though my friendship with Donkey Kong is over, and ended somewhat badly, I am still grateful for the fun we had together. I learned a lot from Donkey Kong, but Donkey Kong decided he couldn’t swim with the sharks.
September was the month my oldest son broke his arm. My ten year old suddenly needed his “mommy” again. He had his cast on for 6 weeks.

October 2005 – October is usually my favorite month because of Halloween. This year was different. I was cramped and tired. I wasn’t in the Halloween spirit. I made the best of it but was glad to see it go.
In October I had lots of work done to my Jeep as well. I was in DIRE need of new tie rods and tires. My Jeep was actually dangerous to drive, but when money is low all you can do is pray for safety. I was able to get all of the work done on my Jeep for under cost thanks to Donkey Kong, his connections and his time. I will always be truly appreciative of that.

November 2005 – November was Spell Bowl month. My oldest son had made the spell bowl team and they placed 2nd in the competition. This was a huge deal. This will probably be his last year at this school and it was something he had wanted since 4th grade.

December 2005 – Although December is not yet over I can pretty well summarize it. My babies have turned a year older. I am still waiting for our house to sell, but I have a peace it will happen soon. I am looking forward to being in another new house very soon. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friendships I’ve made this year and looking forward to the ones I’ll make next year. I am planning my trip back to California to see my Yakkies and give them big hugs (and probably shedding a few tears.) My divorce should be final by the end of January 2006. Mars and I are handling everything very nicely.As I look back thru my year, in my Saturn, I do not regret anything. I realize that things happen when they are supposed to. I am grateful for this time I’ve had to live and learn and to grow. I am nowhere near where I was at this time last year (mentally or physically). I am stronger. I am healthier.

"That's Not Okay!"

I once heard the phrase, "That's NOT okay." I've adopted that phrase and it has stuck with me for almost a year now. When I run into conflicts I just say "That's NOT okay." It validates my opinion and my feelings.
Yesterday, I kept my youngest son home from school because he was sick. Laying in his bed he asked if it would be okay to play video games. I quickly said "sure."
My oldest son happened to over hear us talk about playing video games and he quickly piped up and very calmly said "Mom, I don't think that's really okay because you don't allow me to play video games when I stay home sick."
He was right. I don't allow him (He likes to play hookie.) So I agreed that since he wasn't allowed than neither should my other child be allowed. I mandated no video games.
It didn't dawn on me until later how proud I was of my oldest son for piping up and voicing his opinion in such a tactful manner. Compliants are breed by Compliants. I broke the mold when I left Mars. I was "not okay" with the situation and I changed it. I didn't comply. I did that with my children in mind. I do it everyday with my children in mind. I was so THRILLED when I realized what a huge thing my oldest son had accomplished when he said "That's not okay." ~ I had to call him later that night and let him know how very proud of him I was and why. He needed to hear that he was validated.

Finding my own way 

Welcome to the ballroom

Oh, you knew I couldn't stay away long didn't you...well here I am.
It's a different blog for a different version.
I've stared in the mirror for hours.
I've seen the sign from God, and I replied with an "Okay."
I've cried my eyes out for days.
I've sunk into myself and I've connected.
I choose who and what enters my ballroom.
I choose who dances with me.
Caution: if you dance with me, you must dance naked with your hands tied behind your back as well. No wall flowers.
The band has left. We will only dance to the music that plays in our heads.
Our dances will all be different, but no one will judge. Diversity rules here.
My dance is for me and me alone. I choose my song.
Welcome.