Expression

I'm not digressing here, just greiving I guess. For months I've been trying to put into words how I felt the days after Mars told me he was no longer attracted to me. I've tried to truly express how it happened and how it made me feel, but most times my words just don't give it any depth. Anyone close to me could obviously see the effects it had on me for days (months) afterwards, or anyone that has worn those shoes surely knows the pain. For some reason I keep feeling the need to explain it as though I was trying to get a total stranger to see through my eyes. Maybe, if someone else could truly feel my pain, then my pain could become a lighter burden.
I'm not sure teh obsession behind this, but as I watched the film "An Ideal Husband" today... I found the words, the scene that I myself had felt.
Scene: Lady Gertrude has just found out that her husband has been keeping a secret from her. Years of unity shattered because of one thing he did not tell her. She feels betrayed. She has lost hope in him and their divine unity. Eyes saddened with tears, her heart is broken and she turns to Sir Robert and says:
"You were to me
Something apart from common life
A thing noble,
pure.
The world seemed to me finer,
because you were in it.
Goodness more real because you lived."

I had the worst Valentines day ever this year. The only word that seems to give that day any justice is "grey." Everything was grey. I couldn't have smiled if my life depended on it. My heart literally ached. My chest had a hollow feeling. My throat had a big lump in it. My eyes were sunken and sad. My head ached. Mars broke my heart and broke my soul. I no longer knew him. He was no longer mine. My world was no longer good. Days that followed were filled with rage and overwhelming emotions. I wanted to slam my Jeep into a light post just to take the feelings away. I wanted to burn his garage down and dance around the flames just so he would notice me. That is how I felt and for some reason it's important that I try to fit words to those powerful emotions.
Today, I've pretty well forgiven him. He's never asked for my forgiveness or even said that he was sorry. I think I've just accepted it.
I still have overwhelming feelings of sadness and lonliness at times. It comes and goes. That's normal.
I'm looking forward to the day when I can feel joy again. Just simply joy.