"Like a nat on crack"

Still processing this, but I went a little crazy in the kitchen this weekend. It started out with dinner rolls. A few weeks ago I attempted the STBX's secret family yeast dinner roll recipe I was afforded after 10 years of marriage. I hadn't yet made the dinner rolls mostly because of lifestyle chaos but also out of fear of failure. I still haven't mastered the secret sugar cookie recipe after a few attempts at that, so I was sure I wouldn't succeed on the yeast dinner roll recipe either. Anyways, the first attempt was a flop. Hockeypucks. But then I realized that part of the directions had been left out. Inadvertently I hope. After a thought and a small discussion with my own mother about the lack of directions, I figured it out. So, I attempted it a second time. And bingo. I have oh so yummy rolls. Now what to do with the apples...

It's pretty sickening for me to think it was more than just a whim to create in the kitchen. What if it was indeed a proof that I could succeed. What if it was a plea for success and praise. After all I spent several years hearing the words "Mom's or Grandmas are better." I spent several years trying to live up to the standard w/o success. Is that why I spent several hours in the kitchen on Saturday baking not only yeast dinner rolls, but blueberry muffins, apple crumb cake and a gorgeous apple pie? Or was it just because I had spotted a few new recipes and was dying to try them out? Why did I pack up a dish of samplings for SLJ's mother? Was it because we suddenly had all of this food that we would never finish off and I decided to share or was it because I'm scared to death that I may never live up to a MIL standard and so badly wanted to proof my worthiness? It's really sick and twisted. But I'm trying to just blow it off and chalk it up to the fact that it was a whim and it was beautiful and I can indeed bake like a Betty Crocker. If I was experiencing some sort of emotional damage repair moment in the kitchen, then this experience was a healing one. I can. I did. So there. Moving on to carrot cake and peanut butter bread.

On top of the point I made in the kitchen this weekend, I'm also experiencing some fear of death. I have my 4 month recheck at the Gyn next week and a small (Okay medium) part of me is fearing that this time I'll have cervical cancer. I lucked out 4 months ago in May and some cellular changes turned out to be something "we'll just keep a consistant eye on." Well, it's time for the recheck and all I can think about is that I'm not going to be so fortunate this time.

It actually brings tears to my eyes. I choke up when I think about who will be my childrens mother after I die. Mary Freakin Poppins? Oh Lord no. It's not that I fear death in itself, I'm just not done yet. I haven't shown my children how to make yeast dinner rolls (kidding.) There's just so much I haven't done and my children are so young.

SLJ wanted to know what was bothering me. Well, I unloaded no holds bar. "I'm gonna die, Mary Poppins will raise my children yadda, yadda, yadda."

WHOA! Slow down woman.

I want to paint in Provence like Van Gogh. I want to go to a nude beach nude in Jamacia Mon. There's just so much yanno. And then a person starts thinking about how they've lived their life to this point and ponder any regrets. I already know I have no regrets so that's not really an issue. Then there's the whole religion thing, but I'm pretty comfortable with my own beliefs so check that off the list. Will everyone really comprehend how much I have loved them? Is there something else I need to do?

I've really gotta stop making mountains out of mole hills, but this must be the season for deep thought and reflection so I might as well be welcoming towards it. It's there. It's legitimate. It'll pass.

I had a great epiphany this weekend as well. As a pisces I feel emotions pretty deeply. I've always been pretty tuned in to not only my feelings but the feelings of others. Lately though, it's a slight curse. It seems like every tear jerking moment on film catches my heart in its grips and I can relate to it so much deeper now. A movie moment will crush me like it never has before. I'm feeling things much deeper than before. Fever Pitch brought it out over the weekend. When my girl Drew and whats his face break it off. And when my girl Drew says that smart line about "something inside just shuts off" I lost it.

I know that this is because of my divorce. That was the deepest emotion I have ever had to deal with and because of it, I'm slightly more sensitive to anothers display of pain. However, I welcome this. I'm not scared or threatened by it because it reminds me I'm alive. There was such a long dull period that I experienced entirely on my own and my psychie did what it needed to do to survive and I shut down.
I banned weddings and funerals.
I no longer needed a box of tissue during a movie.
A hug was few and far between.
Swore I'd never get married again.
I felt I had actually shut that part off and grew past it. I was untouchable for so long. And then my marriage ended and I was so deeply wounded. Will I ever heal completely? Na, there will always be that annoying scar that no amount of cocoa butter will take away. And that's fine. It's okay. I actually welcome the feelings. I still don't like to cry and I may change the subject quickly or pass it off with an uneasy laugh that I so frequently do. But at least I feel and at least I know it's a process and not a sign of weakness. It makes me a more compassionate person.

A lot going on in this head of mine. I'll just go with the flow and let it go when I need to.

Little less bows and a lot more skin

It's a good thing I'm a flexible person. Pisces tend to just go with the flow. I can still pout a bit though, I'm allowed.

I was supposed to sign divorce papers finally this past Friday. Didn't happen. Instead we had a pow wow on an issue we just can't seem to come to terms with. I've given in where I thought it wouldn't hurt. I've taken less than I'm probably due. I've communicated and worked hard to try to come to terms. But this one last issue I will not give in. It involves the children and I will do whatever I need to do to keep their best interest in mind. Mother first. So anyways, Friday was a pow wow with attorneys present and we did come to terms eventually about this last issue and new paperwork is being drawn up and I did get my way for the time being. So not a complete waste of time, but still disappointed that yet again, no papers have been signed. I'm over it. Moving on.

I cancelled the dinner and drinks "finally-signed-divorce-papers" celebration with the girls Friday night, Bummer. Nothing to celebrate. Decided to save it for a rainy day. But instead Saturday, attended my first Roller Derby. If you ever have a chance to go to a roller derby, make sure you're there! It was too cool. A bunch of cute gothy chics in short skirts and stockings putting hockey players to shame. I have to admit, I was there for the cat fights. I sat in "suicide alley" of course. They call it that because they can't gaurentee you won't end up w/ a derby girl flying at you. There were two cat fights right in front of me. No blood, but some pounding none the less. Right on. If only I was a stronger roller skater...

Saturday was chili and football in the afternoon. You should've seen SLJ's face when I announced that I was going to make chili for the game Saturday. He was thrilled. "You mean, we're watching the game again?" I have officially converted. I have changed my address with the USPS. I have taken my drivers test with the Ohio DMV. I have transferred records to a new dentist and a new vet. I have changed my income withholdings to Ohio. The only thing that was left was to purchase an Ohio State T-shirt and paint my face for game day. I am a full fledged Buckeye. Hey, if it makes my man smile like that... I'll do it every Saturday.

So... I'm watching the game and I caught a few z's during 2nd quarter. I wake up, a little groggy, trying my hardest to get back into the game. Trying to pay attention and be a good fan. I glance to the TV to see the boy going for the touchdown. I sit up hastily, scream "Go boy. Go boy. Go boy. Yes! Touchdown." And I'm actually feeling a little of what I like to call football fanatisicm for once in my life. I had the couch pillow squeezed hard between my thighs. I think my arms were up in the air and fists were clutched tight in victory stance. And I look to SLJ to confirm the play but he has this weird look on his face as he's looking back at me. And then I realize... "Oh. That was a replay clip wasn't it." Um. Yah. Oh Frell. I tried. And once again I got a "Crazy girl" from my SLJ. He'd be so meloncholy if it wasn't for me. I think my only argument with college ball is the fact that the cheerleaders still wear bows in their hair. Um, hello. Aren't we in our 20's now. Can't we be a little more like the NFL cheerleaders? A little more skin a lot less bows and ribbons? Stars on ice show more skin than that. Just a suggestion.

I was getting all stoked about this years Halloween party. I've changed my mind. The party is off. It was going to be too much of a hassle and a strain on the budget, especially now that Andi sent me that money windfall email and I didn't forward it to 12 people. Snarl. Grrr. But realistically, I could remodel the entire bathroom for what I would spend out on a Halloween party where 5 people would show. I sorta (Okay fully) pouted all day yesterday about it, but came up with an alternative plan. Apparently our neighborhood trick-or-treats consistently every Halloween, so I decided to dress the front porch up for all the trick-or-treaters. And I volunteered to be part of Thing 2's "Fall Harvest Party" at school. And I still have my traditions with the kids that I get to make SLJ and son a part of now which is very exciting. And there's a masquerade ball at the college that I can go to. And a local haunted corn field that SLJ raves about. So really, I'm still stoked. It's just a shame because I can throw a killer party. I'm over it. Moving on. Making Halloween brownies w/ the Things tonight. Next week it's dirt pie and The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. And there's still the Ghost of John song. And Nutter Butter Ghosts. And weenie roasts. And carrot cake with cream cheese icing. And Ghost in the Graveyard. And pumpkin carving. I've still got a plentiful bag of tricks. Maybe we'll even try making caramel apples this year. It's all good.
Any Halloween traditions you'ld like to share?
Popcorn balls anyone?

Boobs or Bon Bons?

I'm a semi crafty girl. I really shine at Halloween. Pull out your Elvira wig Andi, cause I have officially started planning my Halloweenie Party. I am seriously stoked. I have an official folder in my file cabinet titled "Halloween." I'm making a list of all the cool ideas as they come to me. And as I'm making this list I'm trying to recall some of the cool ideas from previous years.

As I was thinking back I remembered the awesome chocolates my mom makes. And then I remembered when I tried to help; I avoided the making of chocolates scene for years because it just looks tedious. It fell into that catagory of knitting for me. I just can't seem to sit and concentrate long enough to make these tiny little ornate chocolates. There was the fact that my hands trembeled from the anti-depressants so a straight line was impossible. And the fact that I was playing in chocolate and more ended up in my mouth than in the molds. And the fact that my mom turns into a chocolate making machine like the Dunkin Donuts guy and it's completely unbearable to be around her at said point. I'd just smile and run through the kitchen.

I finally took a crack at it last year. I thought I'd sit down and make gorgeous caramel filled bon bons for the lovely people in my life. I called on my craftiness and remeniced on the film Chocolat that I so completly adored and began to work. I think I sat for like 4 hours trying to make these artful bon bons. My first batch came out of the mold and I realized I had made artful delicious looking boobs. I seriously made chocolate boobs. With little nipples even. I just about died laughing at my craftiness.

Clearly I should stick to party planning. I can plan every detail of an office retreat for 50 plus people in Chicago or Cincinnati for an entire weekend, but apparently I cannot make bon bons. My powers are limited.

Do you think I'm pretty?

I got out of the shower this morning and my wet hair was all askew/disheveled. (I have stupid hair that I have to spray "No more tangles" in and comb thru every morning after my shower. Sometimes it can be quite painful.) This morning, I climbed out, towel dried the wet mop and looked up to see SLJ standing there having a conversation with me. With my hair all disheveled, hanging over my eyes in chaotic tangles, I looked at him cross-eyed and said in my very best I am Sam voice, "Do you think I'm pretty?"

I got a chuckle and yet another "Crazy Girl" from him.

This reminded me of my Teneille. Teneille has been my friend since our sweat pant and New Kids on the Block days in fifth grade. In fact, I'm sure there are pictures floating around somewhere of us dressed up in an evening gown with our chests stuffed and puckered bright pink lipsticked lips. The words "You mine tonight Ba-be" lingering in my mind.

Oh the stupid fun we had.

So that "Do you think I'm pretty?" was for you, Ten... And for hairspray, curling irons, razors and Danzig. At least I never had a rat tail or an Ariaga. D'oh!

Easy Peasy

I bought new fingernail polish and couldn't decide which color I liked better so I painted one foot pink and the other coral. Problem solved.

I'm buying a new car! With the proceeds from the sale of my house, I have paid off a few bills and have decided to buy a new, brand new vehicle. I've never had a brand new vehicle before. SLJ's father is a dealer so we went to see him on Saturday. I test drove an Impala, Torrent, G6 and Malibu. Decided on the Malibu. I really liked the body style of the G6, but when I was driving it, I was so uncomfortable and claustrophobic that I actually started getting reflux. I quickly decided that a G6 was not for me. But I'm thrilled that I am so in-tune with my body that I identified the anxiety that driving that car caused me. The Malibu was my favorite and most comfortable and I can get into for payments under what I'm paying now on my 7 year old Jeep and save gas money and have a warranty if my tranny or turn signal decide to fail. SOLD! SLJ's father is looking around for the color I want and the best deal.I wasn't very excited at first. I've been waiting over a year for this. I've been dealing w/ a slipping tranny and a occasionally operable turn signal and bad rotors for a while now. I didn't want to sink any more money into that Jeep after new tires, new water pump and new front end. I just couldn't sink another penny into it without crying. So I waited. And waited. And poured a little tranny honey in. And waited. And finally, the house sold, and I'm test driving new cars. It was surreal. After figuring out exactly what I wanted, crunching a few numbers, and telling SLJ's father to find it, it finally sunk in. I'm getting a NEW, new car. With a warranty. And better gas milage. And NEW. And it just struck me this very instant, that I'm doing it on my own. Per se. I'm getting a great deal because of SLJ's parents, but it's totally me. I had SLJ with me and did ask his opinions and relied on his engine knowledge, but in the end...I'm getting whatever I want and nobody is saying different. It's my pocketbook, it's my gift to myself after 12 years of marriage and financing 2 houses. I'm not saying I've ever done without. I haven't. But this time it's different. There's a freedom in it and it feels like a good thing instead of a burden. I've had such bad luck shopping for cars and then repairs etc... This time, it's all taken care of. Finally something easy.

I watched the film "Friends with Money" last night. Total chick flic. I loved it. It gave me goose bumps and tears over and over again. It's about 4 middle aged friends and the dynamics of their marriages or lack of. I recommend it to any divorcee. I identified with the bullshit and I also identified with the passion and lonliness and depression too. It's a well versed film about true love and life. As I was watching the film, I remembered that awful feeling of being so alone I used to have. And the weird part was, I wasn't. I shared the house and my life with another human being but we were so disconnected at most times that it always felt like I was so alone. I recalled an intanst several years back, where I was folding laundry and the STBX walked in the house after work. Walked in the front door just a few feet beside where I sat folding laundry. I think I might've gotten a "Hi" and then poof he was gone doing something else. It felt like I was invisible. I remember that instant where I actually thought to myself "I need some attention. I need to feel touch. A little spark. Something. I need to feel wanted. There's something missing." That was several years ago. But this movie made me recall it for whatever reason. I just find it interesting. I thought it was me. That whole time I thought there was something wrong with me. If I could just fix it. I'm still processing it. I have a 3 day minimum process time. There's been a lot of reminders lately about how things used to be. All I can say at this point is that I have come a long long way. And I'm so proud of myself for identifying and processing these old emotions. I can do it now from a different perspective. I'm not in it anymore. I can see it directly for what it was. It amazes me people actually "sleep" thru that sort of stuff and pass it off as "normal." Simply amazes me.

Things that will cause me years of therapy:
1. Born and raised on Willie Nelson and Kenny Rogers. Once in a blue moon I find myself going back to my roots. You betta count yah money when ya sittin at the ta-ble...
2. Seeing an ostrich make a BM at the zoo. It's like a giant glob of bird poop. It's really not pretty.
3. Pulling eaten string out of Mikethedawgs ummm...yah.
4. Kicking my brother in the balls. My first and only death threat thus far. I slept with my bedroom door locked that night.
5. Coffee flavored cola. Don't do it man.
6. At work I was doing a CT on a child, I turned to speak to her parents behind me and they were making out. It scored a 10 on the OMG that's gross scale.
7. My dad farted in the grocery store when I was in middle school. Mortified. I'm really suprised I still speak to him.
8. I had a dance routine to "Baby got back."
9. Girl scout camp. Girls are almost as stupid as boys.
10. Precious Moments figurines. Creepy.
Tag. You're it.

Closure

So, we sold the house and we had the closing last Friday at the title agency. STBX and I did okay, didn't talk much but I was only there for the check.

I'm signing papers and then I sit back and look across the table at the couple who is buying my house and I wonder to myself... does she garden? Will she be out there digging in my dirt? And then the tears crept up on me. Whoa. Where did this come from? I haven't lived in that house for over a year and all of a sudden I'm choking back tears and biting my lip. I will not cry. I will not cry. Especially in front of the stbx. Will not. It took about five minutes of looking out the window and deep breathing (on the way to the airport kinda breathing) before I regained control.

The final closure on the house. I loved that house. I absolutely loved it. Even though I had said bye to it before, I was saying buy to it again. Bye to my garden and that glorious sunset view over the pond and the bullfrogs at dusk and that wonderful bathtub... all gone forever.

Home is in my heart. And I know that the things we lose in our lives have a way of finding us again. I know this. It'll be worth the wait.

Bye house.

Living

Thing 1 and Thing 2 started their new schools. As I watched Thing 1 get on the bus and head for middle school for the first time, I felt panicked and sad. It was like sending him to kindergarden all over again. I wanted to scream, "My Ba-by!" He was so dreading going to a brand new school, not knowing a soul there. It weighed heavily on the both of us.

I had to put up a fight w/ the STBX about which school system. Since we sold the house, the STBX is moving but we won't be in the same city. We went back and forth for an entire month. And in the end, I won. He doesn't even have an official new residence yet so there was no way he could enroll them. His district was to start a whole week earlier than my district and we weren't prepared for that with neither one of us even living in that district. If I enrolled them in the stbx district I would have to have them out of the house at 7:00 a.m. and then there was going to be 40 minutes between when the middle school started class and the elementary school started class. It just didn't make since. Either way it would have been a new school for both Things, but I felt it was in their best interest and easier for all of us if they were enrolled in my district.

So after a month of standing my ground and hoping I was doing the right thing, they finally started their new schools. And both of them love it. Whew. That is a big, huge weight off of our shoulders. Confirmation that I did the right thing.

We had a power outage the other night. The power was out for 24 hours even though I called the electric company 4 times. Each time I was told it would be on soon. I was not a happy camper and I was ready to hunt someone down. Luckily I only lost a few things in the fridge, and luckily the weather was somewhat cool and not smoldering or humid so we didn't require air or heat.

On top of that, SLJ was out of state for a work conference. Our first official time away from each other and my first official time being alone in his (our) house (with the power out.) Not fun.

SLJ had to make arrangements with the daycare for his son and had to fill his ex in on the situation. When she found out he was going out of state for a work conference she asked him if he needed her to come along. Yanno, to keep him company. Sure, it made me mad. But I know it was an act of desperation and I know she is living with her own guilt and stupidity, so I feel a little sorry for her. No, not really. I feel nothing for her. I just hope one day she grows up and becomes the woman and mother she needs to be, before it's too late. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm just saying I've fought my own demons and came out swinging so I expect the same from others.

Which brings me to the dark side. For some reason my demon fighting crossed my mind last night. It's hard to explain depression. You can't fully understand or appreciate it until you've been there. It's a dark, lonely place. The only person in your world at that time is yourself and you aren't good enough. There are all these things that you want and know you should be and feel, but it's impossible. And when that personal failure comes knocking at your door, it's completely devastating. I keep trying to remember the instant I crawled out. The why's and hows. And I just remember the point where I said, "it's all okay" and when someone else (Cheryl) confirmed that it was "all okay" it made a huge difference. I had a chance to go within myself and what I saw wasn't bad at all. In fact when I went inside myself, it was all very bright. Very light, very sunny and very peaceful.

I just wanted to accept myself and wanted to accept where I was. I think how I did that was knowing that it was a process and I started to trust the process. I realized that it was only temporary and it was for a damn fine reason and I was going to win in the end. I was valid. Everything I thought and felt was valid. No matter what it was. I had every right to think and feel what I did.

And then when I realized that everyone else was just as freakin mad as I was, I didn't feel so alone anymore. We're all a bunch of crazies. We all have a weakness. Mine just happened to be that I need to feel loved unconditionally. But it had to start with me. I had to love myself unconditionally before anyone else could..

So, my point... "It's very much all okay. And whatever you think, feel and say is all very much valid. This process is only temporary. You will win in the end. And I will love you unconditionally. No matter what. I love everything you are."

And on that note... I shall begin my day off running errands to the bank, post office, coffee shop, library and finally (if I don't chicken out) to the BMV where I shall take (and hopefully pass) my written test to transfer my licence to my new state of residence. (Wait, is there a state of residence called "Crazy?")

I'm working on a new post titled "Things that have caused me years of therapy." Yes, it will be a tag. Can't wait can ya...
#1) Kenny Rogers and Willie Nelson...