With my hands tied behind my back

It's after the party. The ballroom is littered and empty. I am naked. My hands are tied behind my back. There is no music. The band is long gone. Yet, still I dance. I dance with a smile.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Where is redsneakz?

I'm a Dedicated Slacker

Seems like it's been forever since I've written.
Life takes place and sometimes all other things step aside.
Eb and flow.
I guess I'll spare you the where have I been, what have I done in the new year and just start from scratch. (Heh... "Scratch.")

I'm pretty discouraged w/ the 2008 election. I started doing my homework on the candidates and then decided that maybe I should wait until the parties decide and then continue w/ that homework after February.

I'm constantly amazed at how positively dim some people actually are. I hear something and think, are your really that stupid? Yes. And then I'm amazed at how they've continued to survive for the last 32 years. Although they haven't thrived, only survived.
And then I sort of sympathize and understand because for 32 years that person hasn't had to thrive.
Everything has been taken care of and they've never had to be responsible... so then I get it. They honestly, whole hearted believe they do not have to be held accountable.
Then they run into me and I say "I'm not okay w/ that and yes you need to step up." Sucks to meet me. Really. I hope you never have to cross my path. I have visions of stupid people getting a faux punch in the jaw and their head slacking back from the impact. Birds start flying around their noggin and they are like "der, huh?" And I stand there w/ a "shit- eaten grin."

Honey, everything I have I've worked for. No body (except my mother) ever gave me a break. I'd crawl through hell and back to make things right, so you should probably just toss in the towel now. Save yourself the agony.
I have the advantage of being smart too... there is that.

This writing has totally gone AWOL. 2008 election to "other mother"... I don't know how I do it.
I'm sure there is some psychological, unconscious reason for it.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Zits, dances and Green Day

So my oldest son is growing up and there's nothing I can do about it.

He's going to the Valentines Dance at school... his first. It breaks my heart.

Just this month he started getting zits. Ug.

I find myself burning CD's from his MP3 player play list.

I'm saying things to him like "When I was your age..."

We've hit a turning point. I'm afraid there's no going back. It's going to take me a little bit of time to be okay with this.

Today, a fellow employee brought in her 2 wk old baby so we could get a peek at the perfection ... I made a comment about "before you know it they're going to middle school" and tears welled up in my eyes and I had to make a quick escape...

Here's to always having a broken heart...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Can't say no to karaoke

It's unfortunate really, that after a few drinks and lowered inhibitions that I just can't say no to demolishing an otherwise great song.

I had been out dress shopping, was dog tired, nerves on end but still had to go to a retirement party. I'm thinking we'd be in and out within a half hour.

But the beer kept being filled to the rim. And the body kept swaying to the beat. And the mouth kept singing along with familiar lyrics.

And before I knew it, I was up on stage with a mic in my hand singing Welcome to The Jungle...

Good times.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Party Planner

Anyone that knows me well, knows I love to plan a party. I get giddy even.
Well, planning my own up and coming wedding reception and let me just say, I'm having a ball!

SLJ wanted to know how it went from going to the court house and off on a honeymoon to, well, this: multiple books from the library about weddings... Wedding Magazines at $5.99 a pop... trying on dresses at the dreaded dress shops with the ungodly amounts of crazy (yes, I do mean crazy) brides to be and their entourage... bags and bags of copper marbles to put in glass vases... special paper for invitations... guest lists complete w/ addresses... floating candles... site visits... insurance... DJ's... catering... cakes and you get my point.

I'm loving it all! All of it. And that's how it went from courthouse documents to booking an opera house... it's only natural. I love to plan a party and I have a damn good excuse this time, so why the hell not.

The first dress shop I walked into (on a Saturday morning) I was a bit overwhelmed. I actually had to register for changing room. Um... why? And so I browsed around the store during the 45 minute wait for a changing room and I heard things like this one bride to be lining up her bridesmaids and saying "No one is allowed to be tanner than I am. Okay. Everyone got it." I was seriously out of my realm here. I had hopped in my car that morning and drove myself to shallow town. I said a quick prayer for the groom and went on my merry way.

Anyone who knows me well, also knows that I like to rebel. Traditional is not my type. Colors... lets go w/ black and creme. No flower girl. Fish net stockings under my dress. Drunken karaoke. And there's more where that came from.

I'm not out to offend anyone... it's just that this is MY party and MY pocketbook.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Life lately

Eb and flow... this would be the "flow" season.

I haven't done much in the way of writing. Lots of reasons why, but mainly priorities. I know that it'll come back around when it's supposed to.

Not that there isn't much going on, because there's a slew of activity lately. Lots of revelations just not much time to share them in form of journaling.

I had a moment to pop in and catch up on my reading and I'm just sitting here realizing how much I miss my fellow bloggers. There was a day when I completely depended on you to get me out of bed in the mornings and I am forever greatful. Strange that I found comfort in strangers.

I'm getting married in a few months. Working on my invitations and I sat there making my guest list wanting to write "Chuck" "James" "Kris" "Amy" ... I chuckled to myself because I know that you all get it.

Things are good here. Dawn and new days. Lots of love. Lots of laughter. Lots of just good stuff. When I get a chance I'll journal a few things that have seemed to amaze and enlighten me lately, but for now I'll leave you with gratitude.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Goodbye to another year

Another year gone by.
They say that time flies when you're having fun. Is that what we were having? Fun? Hmmm.
Around this time, I like to pull out my yearly planner and look back over the last year. Maybe there were things I had totally forgotten about. Maybe there were some really brilliant moments that I want to reflect on.
So here goes...
January, The boys and I were living with my parents still awaiting my divorce. I found myself packing up the rest of "my things" and moving all of "my stuff" completely out of the "marital house." I shoved it all in a 10x10 storage unit somehow. 28 years of things shoved into a 10x10 space. Later I would find that the lock on the storage unit had been broke and half of my stuff had been taken. It wasn't an easy feeling. I lost some very precious things.

Another emptiness.
Lots more questions.
A bit more heartache.

But now as I look back on it, I have a deep understanding of what's important to me. I now know that I can overcome loss. I know that what I have now can't be shoved into a 10x10 space. I have something that can never be taken from me.
Unconditional love of self.
January is when I took off and headed out on a roadtrip. I had a nice sized Christmas bonus from work and a weekend without my kids and I needed to see just a smidgen of sun through the clouds. I landed myself at a casino resort in Southern Indiana. A very plush room, room service and a spa and time and space to sort a few things out. It's difficult to explain what truly came from that roadtrip.
A little more bravado.
A smidgen more self-respect.
And one tiny little prayer...answered.
Oh and a great spa facial.

February. Just a few weeks after my roadtrip I met Shawn. I thought February was going to be THEE DREADED MONTH. I had planned on boycotting Valentines Day. I had my reasons and they were good. But Shawn had different plans. February held a fanastic Valentines Day, a new relationship, Hope and my 29th birthday party. Not bad for THEE DREADED MONTH.

March and April turned into some brand new territory. I came face to face with cancer. It was the first time that the thought of dying required serious thought from me. My very first thought was that I wasn't ready to leave my boys. They were still very young and I still had so much to teach them. I just wasn't ready to die.
A smidgen more bravado.
Another hard earned lesson in self-respect.
Forgiving myself.
And letting go of what wasn't important and grasping on tight to what was.
Cancer likes to tap me on the shoulder, but I'm still shrugging it off and telling it not today.

May, led us to the end of another school year. A sigh of relief that summer was finally here. The boys and I moved to Ohio with Shawn. A new home, which meant a whole new mess of things. New doctors, new bank, new babysitter, new hairdresser etc... etc... A fresh new start and a very warm bed. I am reminded of lazy Sunday mornings on the front porch and weekend trips to the Lake. The kids aching to go to the sandbar. Blending my things (or what was left of them) with Shawns things and making our home together.

June, July and August seem a blur. Lots of adjusting. Settling in. More sighs of relief. Letting go and letting in. Some anxiety. Suddendly each one of us found ourselves with a whole new family. The "marital house" finally sold and I took delivery of a new vehicle and said goodbye to a headache on four wheels. The boys started their new school. Sending Isaac off to middle school was like sending him off to kindergarten all over again.

September and October another blur. I remember pumpkin fields, golden wheat fields and amish buggies. The boys falling right into their new schools, no problems. Ani concert with Layli in Chicago. SECOND ROW SEATS. And a brand new education in suspension. My divorce was final. Finally. A bad bout with bronchitis followed by the stomach flu. Yah, I don't remember much of those few weeks but I chalk it up to a much needed physical cleansing. I had some bad stuff locked inside that really needed to be released. I think somewhere in this time frame Eric and I actually became friendly again. Not friends really, just not enemies. I don't know who or how it changed. But it did and it's much easier now.
A pinch more bravado.
Another letting go and letting in.
And much, much more patience.

November and December were filled with Holidays with new friends and family. And our engagement. The man of my dreams asked me to marry him and I jumped at the chance!

It was a long and difficult year. But oh so beautiful.

My year started out with loss and look how it's ended.

2006 was a year for standing my ground, forgiving myself, taking pride in myself and being very thankful for all that I have. I have this peace now that everything is going to work out. That maybe I don't have to work so hard at making things the way I want them to be. I just know that they will be, exactly how they're supposed to be. And I know that it will all be beautiful.

My only resolution for 2006 was to make boundaries and stick to those boundaries. It's a work in progress, but I'm doing better. I can say no without feeling guilty. I haven't been walked on much so thats good.

My resolution for 2007 are still being drawn up. I'm thinking about just letting it all come to me and just being open for whatever it brings.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

hahum...I have an announcement to make

It always seems that the minute I say I have nothing to say...words just float onto the page.

Today, I have something to say and I want it to be perfect, but I know there is no plan, only heartfelt flow.

Today, my something to say is inspired from Gigi's entry "Aloha Sweet Ruth." Thank you Gigi for sharing your heart.

It was February when I saw the picture. My heart still heavy with just a hint of a scar, but my spirit was light and laughing. In the picture there stood this beautiful man, strong, lean and confident. My heart tweaked a little and I let a little "ohah" sneak out of my lips. My silent mind spoke, "Now this is a handsome boy."

The picture led to email and email to telephone conversations about who we were and our interests and such. It didn't take long until email and telephone led to our first date.

I was to meet him at a local Italian restaurant after work one night. We arrived at the same time. Stepped out of our cars and met each other. That was our first step together.While waiting for our table he said to me, "Your pictures don't do you justice." I could tell he meant it, he was smitten and I blushed still not knowing how to receive compliments. We ordered red wine with our dinner. He let me pick the bottle. He had remembered I liked reds from a phone conversation. It had been forever and a day since I had shared a glass of wine with a man.

Fortunetly for us, the wine went straight to my head and I babbled and blah blahhed throughout the entire dinner. His eyes were intense and they never left my face. I had his full undivided attention. I was astonished at how not even the two younger blondes at the other table caught his eyes. He had a gorgeous smile. I wanted to reach across the table and touch my fingers to his lips.

Our food and wine came and went. We felt the end of our first date drawing near, but neither one of us was ready to retreat just yet. We needed more.

We decided to drive across town to an outdoor mall. In the middle of February. In the Midwest at Ten o'clock at night. We walked the sidewalks near each other, but not familiar enough to touch. Our hands shoved in our pockets for warmth. Only one store was open. The bookstore. We searched the art history books for my favorite Picasso painting. He found it first.

Beauty, confidence, intensity, attention to details and now diligence.

When there was barely enough warmth or entertainment for us to keep our first meeting going, we decided to pack it up and call it a night. He drove me to my car and we waited for my car heater to spread it's warmth. He stumbled over his words and asked if I would be interested in going on another date with him. Oh yes. Very interested.

He didn't try to kiss me. I left his car and smiled back at him as I climbed in mine. And that's the moment it hit me. This man with those intense eyes and beautiful mouth was going to be my husband. I just knew it. He was different from the rest. A gentlemen? I didn't think they bred those anymore.

Later, his sister would tell me that the morning after our first date he just quietly told his family that he had met the most beautiful woman. "She is so pretty." he'd said.

Our second date was dinner and a hockey game accompanied by my children. I admit, it was a test. Two kids shoved into the picture so soon. I was letting him know it was a package deal. I don't come alone. Again, the three of us had his undivided attention. He didn't even falter. He sat next to me at dinner. I soaked up his scent and he smelled so good. He reached over to hold my hand and sparks literally flew. It took me a second to regain composure. I was shocked from my response to a simple touch of hand.

Our third date was Valentines Day. A monumentous occasion for me, but not for the symbol of love it bears. He had sent me a bouquet to work that day. A tear escaped from me. This particular Valentines Day would change my life.

He met me after work for a movie and late dinner. This day marked our first kiss. I remember every second of it and how we melted into each other and how we smiled. I still smile when I recall this particular moment.

Our relationship evolved to May and we moved in together. Me, my kids, my dog and my 12 brand new towels. There are so many particular moments between then and now where I look up to see this beautiful man and every single time he takes my breath away. He's really mine, I ask. I must have done something really good to deserve this. Something really good.

So many moments of laughter, fear, joy, anxiety, tears and unconditional love. Our relationship keeps evolving and I'm still amazed at how uncomplicated it all is. It's just so easy to love this man and be loved by this man.

He asked me to marry him. He placed a beautiful ring on my finger. He tells me I'm beautiful and somehow I believe him. It's all so surreal. This story of ours. Like those stories we read in books.

I remember hoping for a day when I would feel joy again. Lately it's coming in bushels and waves. So simple and unconditional.