Badly needed time away

Off to the lake for a week or so. Sunning, boating, fishing, swimming, beering, bbqing, antique shopping and drive in theater-ing... just me and my SLJ!

When I come back, I'm expecting to sign divorce papers... took the bull by the horns, I did. Actually, I didn't really have to. I think we're both just ready to tap out.

Just keeping it real

I've come to a complete quality of life understanding - I've lost a lot of "things" in the last year. A lot of things gone, but somehow I'm still the same prosperous person. Maybe even a better person. Trust me when I say the things that you lose always come back around in some form or another.
Okay, I'll be the one to admit it. I'm flat broke. Yup, just like the rest of the world. Sure I'm not poverty stricken. My needs are met plus a little desires thrown in here and there. But I'm not wealthy either. I can't jump on a plane and fly off somewhere exotic. In fact, traveling an hour from home in my vehicle isn't even in the budget. But you know what? I'm entirely okay with it. I'm okay with my financial situation because I know that I work for it, I earn it and I spend the majority of it wisely.

I keep things real.
I know who I am and what I'm made of and I don't need labels to dictate the fact that I am valid.
There are only a few things that I am brand specific on and that's only because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are of higher quality and will last as long as I need it to last.
I am not however, brand specific when it comes to food (coffee beans aside). I have no problem walking into an Aldis, a Savemore, a Doller General or whatever close out store there is. Dish soap is dish soap whether it costs a dollar or four dollars. It all cleans the dishes. So what if I have to bag my own groceries. If it's going to save me a couple bucks, I'm all for it. I'm fully capable.

I buy things for the way they fit or the way they look, not for whose name is on it. In this age, with many single, middle-class, working, parents and gas prices that make you want to run and hide, you have to be responsible for your finances and your own financial future.
Let's keep it real. If you can't afford it and don't need it...then don't buy it. I bet the people who live in the mountains of Jamiaca mon don't have it and somehow they get along just fine.

Sure, there are things I'd kinda like to have. I'd like to hop on a plane and spend a week back in California. I'd like to buy a bra that actually fits me. I'd like a new purse because the one I'm using is driving me crazy when I go to look for my keys. I'd like to have another back massage to loosen the tension in my muscles. But hell, ya know what? If it costs more than ten dollars, I'm not going to get it this week and most likely not next week either.

Right now, I'm just grateful that my bills are paid up, my vehicle still runs and gets me from A to B and back to A, I have a roof over my head and a comfortable bed and my children have food on their plates and clean clothes. What else really matters? When they are hungry, do you think they care whether I bought those bananas from Kroger or Aldis? When they get dressed in the mornings, do you think they give a damn if I bought that shirt at a second hand store or the local mall?

There is an odd satisfaction in "keeping it real." Just remember, you can't take any of it with you when you go.
Dancers 15 tips to keeping it real:
1. The local library instead of Barnes & Noble
2. Discount food stores- it all nuriches and turns to crap in the end
3. Clip coupons (I don't clip because I don't buy the paper)
4. Use the cell for long distance calls and limit it to nights or weekends
5. 87 Octane is just as good
6. Goodwill or close out stores have nice barely used clothes & furniture
7. Eyeball the racks for the bright yellow "Clearance" toppers
8. Constantly ask yourself "Do I want or do I need" and practice a little delayed gratification
9. Think ahead and stash a little away into 529 plans or IRA's - make your future just a bit more comfortable
10. Do the drink special or just go with water
11. Check out which nights the kids eat free or which night is five dollar pizza night
12. Split an entree
13. Go to the dollar theater
14. Be aware of the electricity you use and teach your children the importance of conserving
15. Use the credit or debit with a rebate, it's free money

I feel so loved

They love me, they really love me!

I got flowers delivered to work yesterday! A beautiful spring bouquet w/ light pastel pinks and purples! (And if I could find my battery charger for my digicam, I would photograph them for you to see.)

No, they were not from my SLJ... in fact, the card didn't say WHO they were from. Perhaps they were from my back-up boyfriend. Or Will Smith. Or maybe Sly Stallone.

Anyways, the office gals are wondering WTF is going on because they've thought I was extremely happy w/ SLJ all this time. Which of course I am, but they don't need to know that.The way I see it, it's my job to keep them guessing. It just adds to my mystique.

Nah, I'm no fool. I know exactly who they came from...
The card reads:
Thinking of you... hang in there, baby! You've got'em by the nuts. You know you do.

I swear my secret admirer is a hoot!
I've been dying to call her and share a funny, embarrassing story that would make her pee herself from laughter...but alas, I can't. I might... say, if she were to share her own funny, embarrassing story about the, perhaps, water boy...

Okay then... I'll just keep my little funny story to myself no matter how hard it is not to tell someone and double over with laughter.

Is that Island Music I hear, Mon?

Nothing like Tuesday donuts! Mmmm! I heart candy sprinkles.Last night SLJ and myself took a little trip to Jamaica mon. Well, okay, not for real, but the mind is easy to manipulate.I've been in a "the summer is almost over and all I've done is work" crisis, and SLJ had a terribly hot and miserable day so I called on my powers of surrealism and created a oceanside escape for the two of us.The hotel housekeeping sucks, but the contential breakfast and clothing optional swimming pool was fantastic.
Here's how it goes:
In our minds
We enjoyed about an hour of our personal (clothing optional) hottub on the balcony of our hotel room that overlooked the beach.
For Real
We enjoyed about an hour of our personal (once again clothing optional) inflatable pool in our backyard that has a lovely view of the fertilizer plant.
In our minds
We ordered room service and partook in the islands red beer.
For Real
We picked up a large pizza from a local joint and poured a couple of tall, frosty glasses of Coors Light.
In our minds
We smoked some good shit that a few locals slipped us.
For Real
We smoked a generic cigarette purchased at the local gas station (I'm only a social smoker so I choked on a single puff - It was some good shit.)
In our minds
We relaxed under a hatched roof canopy on the beach and listened to the sounds of the ocean and sea gulls.
For Real
We relaxed under the patio umbrella and listened to the robins and trains.
In our minds
We laughed at the assholes we work with because they were still stuck in the 95 degree Mid West.
For Real
We bitched about the assholes we work with while we were still stuck in the 95 degree Mid West.
In our minds
I was the hottest chic on the beach and had a fantastic tan.
For Real
I was the hottest chic in our little train station town and I am pigmentless and have never had a fantastic tan in my entire life.
In our minds
We went back up to the air conditioned hotel room and bought a pay per view.
For Real
We went back in the house and watched a DVD (Out Cold) and ate a bowl of Chocolate Cherry Blast ice cream.
In my mind
I woke up and trotted down to the hotel lobby in my PJ's for the contential breakfast.
For Real
I woke up to my damn alarm clock, showered, dressed, drove 35 miles to work, found the Tuesday donuts in the breakroom.

Tonight...we're going to Puerrrrto Rrrrico.
For real...a couple shots of rum and left over pizza.

It's only Tuesday?

I was running late for work today. Instead of calling the office, I somehow called West Hollywood.
I'll take that as a sign.

I padded off to the bedroom to wake up The Things, and found a Tween Angst note. Choked down panic with peaceful assurance. A flash into what lies ahead in the next few years. Calmed the horizons with truth and dignity and the rise and fall of the chest.

Dog shit in the middle of the kitchen floor. Whose dog is this?

Wrinkled shirts and bad hair day. Nothing dryers and scissors can't fix.

The big O elluded me. But then who has the right to complain after 150 in a row.

Barely side swiped. Nothing like the road rage. Astonishment with a half cocked smile on the tweens face. Yah. Dearest mommy has some anger issues but you don't see angst notes here do ya.

I enter the office a mere 25 minutes late only to find hardware failure. Then a thought of Morelli made the future bright.

Chaos of the Vera Bradley kind in which I was the one trampled at the door.

And then...

My horoscope read:
It will be hard to deal with the emotional issues that are likely to arise because of a strong misleading force that is feeding the illusion that things are fine when really they are not. Stop pretending that everything is going well. The sooner you face the truth, the sooner it will stop plaguing you. In an effort to keep everything running smoothly, you probably continue to go with the flow and perpetrate the deception, when really you need to confront it head-on.

So...there's that.

I wouldn't have paid any attention to this, except this morning was a rough one and I was hoping for a good outlook and this one got thrown in my face. Not what I wanted to see.

I hardly take significant stock in anything forecasted or written by "man." I am a true believer in what happens, happens for a damn fine reason. Therefore, I tend to go with the flow. Swimming downstream is much easier.

What I instantly got from this forecast though, is to "take the bull by the horns." Any coincidence that the STBX is a Taurus? I think not. The one thing that I've found true about bulls... they have stubborn control issues. They must always remain in control. It's about fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of how other people will react. Fear of losing because maybe, just maybe, the other person is better than the bull could ever be. It's kind of like the short man syndrome. Short little guy w/ great big attitude just to let people know he exists. Like the typical three year old.

I know how to take the bull by the horns. I do. The question is, do I have the energy? I know how. I know it takes a lot of craft. But my girl is crafty.

Can't I just detour and shoot the damn bull straight in the heart? A bullet doesn't cost much. Let it flop over and bleed out? I'm all about non-conformity.

I apologize for being stereotypical of the Taurus. I know two Pisceneans that are not much like myself, so I have no right to group. It's just something I've noticed about the bulls I do know. But it all remains in the hour.

It's just that I'm just so freakin tired. Emotionally and physically.
The inevitable dangling carrot.
Comfort zone, what comfort zone?
I've been yelling "Sanctuary" on deaf ears for over a year.
I've trusted the process.
I've hung.
I've gone ape-shit on a punching bag.
I've been blinded by looking at the bright side. All I can see are little blue dots.

Alas, I have no choice but to keep going with the perception that everything is okay. Everything has to be okay or I would lose my mind again. I retain the idea that everything is just how it should be. For some reason or another.

The choices we make can tell us a lot about ourselves.
Do I choose to take the bull by the horns or do I go with the flow?
Reminicent of the road less traveled.
And that makes all the difference.

At least I have speed dial.

The Center of the World

Andrea suggested that I write about my new home. I'm just going to wing this and see what happens.

I live in a little country town. Don't think Mayberry, it's not like that. Think more of "Don't blink or you'll miss it" on the way to Mayberry. At the entrance to the town is the old elementary school building. A mammoth block style brick building with a half moon drive in the front and ancient trees at the entrance and exit to the half moon drive. It's really kind of beautiful. Unfortunetly the school is no longer operational. I guess it was turned into a restaurant/meeting hall for a while. Currently it's up for sale again. I've racked my brain trying to think of a genius way to restore it's former beauty and make a profit, but I hardly think anything could survive in this tiny little town between the cornfields.

There's a grain/fertilizer plant that the farmers visit often. The lane runs right beside our house. Constant farming equipment, like Tera Gators and such in and out of the lane to the plant. Luckily there is hardly any activity to and fro on the weekends.

The town surrounds both sides of the train track. Our place is off to the West side of the track. I don't even notice the trains unless I'm on the telephone and have to pause the conversation until the train passes. I don't hear them in the middle of the night anymore. I don't hear the dinging bell telling me a train is approaching. It's just like an aquired taste now.

There is also a tiny little post-office across the tracks, I haven't ventured in yet. Although I'd like to see if the post office boxes are detailed and antiqued like the old post offices boxes. It looks claustrophobic to me, I'm afraid there won't be enough room for me and the post master at the same time.

Other than that, there's a handful of houses. And each house has at least one dog. I know this because when one dog starts barking they all start barking. We live in this mammoth 2 story rectagular house just off the track. This house used to be the train depot and was moved off the track a bit and set in it's own parcel of land with a few mammoth ancient trees and sidewalk gracing the front. I think the external structure is actually brick, but it's been covered in asphalt shingle type siding and then eventually a kahki vinyl siding. The roof is slate. I'm a big fan of slate shingles. It adds an element of antiquity and of course slate lasts forever. The interior structure has been remodeled several times and looks like it's up for more remodeling soon. There are still a few arched entryways and the rooms are monsterous.

The view from the upstairs windows is pretty great. Our East facing bedroom window looks just into and slightly over the mammoth tree canopy out front. Our West window over looks the fenced in back yard. I have two favorite spots of this house. I love our newly remodeled bedroom. It's huge yet cozy. I love sitting on the big bed and watching Ulitmate Fighting. The lighting is just right too. Not too bright, not too dark. Just really warm and really comforting. I could spend an entire lifetime wrapped up in that big bed.

My other favorite spot is the front porch that's shaded by the mammoth tree canopy. The birds love that tree. There's an older metal porch glider. Like one that you would find on your grandmothers porch back in the 60's. I love nostalgic things like that. On the other end of the porch is a table w/ chairs. It's the perfect place for breakfast, coffee and the newspaper on the weekends.

SLJ's parents live in the same little town. Their backyard and our backyard connect. It's a pretty spacious lot that we use to clink a few golf balls or baseballs. I adore his family. We may be neighbors but we still have our space. We can share things like sugar and eggs or hedge trimmers and ladders. It's mostly us doing the borrowing from them, but in return they have their only son to help with winterizing the boat or installing new rain gutters. It works out nicely.

SLJ's mom is the neighborhood cat lady. It's more of an arrangement. The neighborhood cats find food and shelter in her shed. (Andrea, please skip over this next part) Although ever since SLJ was attacked by one of neighborhood kitties, he kind of, shall we say "trains them" to stay out of his yard and garage. As far as the attack goes, think of that nice little webby, flap of flesh between your thumb and forefinger and then think of sharp little teeth stuck deep, deep into it, not letting go, while clawing and ripping the rest of your body like a mad cat on crack. Yah. Ever since then, the cats are "trained" to stay out of SLJ's territory or they might find themselves covered in colorful cod oil. I have to admit...when I see a cat stealthfully try to sneak in the garage, I kindly warn it, "Oh little kitty, you know better than that, you better leave" and then call out to my 6'2" Elmer Fudd who will instantly drop everything to play like cops and robbers with the little kitties. It's kind of my own little entertainment to see a 6'2" man slide around the corner and then miss his target while the porch gets covered in colorful cod oil. Yah. I enjoy it. I'm sick like that. But hey, it's better than cow tipping right? Besides, we're more "dog people." Although one of our dogs thinks it's a goat. It stands on top of my patio table like it's a goat, but hey! to each their own.

I turned the corner on my way home from work the other night to find SLJ standing in the drive. Instant smiles came to face. I am very blessed. I fit perfectly here in this tiny little town surrounding the track, in this mammoth former train station house, with my 6'2" Elmer Fudd, our antique porch glider and our goat.

My Independence Day gift

Quite the Independence Day.
SLJ and I spent the entire day alone. No family, no friends just the two of us.
After a lazy morning, we decided to take a little trip to this little canal town along the Maumee River in NW Ohio. The downtown is quant with antique and gift shops. We browsed around the gift shops and later strolled along the scenic river path. It was a beautiful day and nice just being alone together. When we returned home we decided to catch a movie at the theater and ordered pizza to take home for dinner. We ate our pizza in bed while we watched TV. It was a calm, peaceful, beautiful day.
The highlight: As we were browsing through one of the gift shops in the canal town, a woman in her late 30'S-early 40's, passes by with her husband I presume, pats my arm and says "You're pretty" and walks on. I stumbled out an astonished, barely audible "Thank you." Tears instantly came to my eyes, but I had a huge smile. I couldn't speak for a few minutes for fear of crying but when I told SLJ what she had said he said "See, I'm right by popular vote."
It means so much to me when SLJ tells me I'm beautiful or that I'm "hot," it really does. But when a total stranger, a straight woman even, out of the blue, tells me I'm pretty... It meant the world. If only she knew what that meant to me. What a gift that was. It just kind of wrapped up that last shred of past verbal abuse and hugged it tightly till it disappeared.
Independence.
Healing and such a kind but simple thing to give and receive.
Happy Independence Day!

for lack of better material

1. I don't know how to use that stupid melon baller thingy. I'm melon baller deficient. SLJ makes it seem so easy. He comes out with these perfect balls of melon, while mine come out like shreds of melon. I just don't get it.

2. We made our first trip to our new local library. Thing 1 bypassed the children section and the Teen section and went straight for the adult fiction/mystery. I walked Thing 2 around the childrens section, pointed out interesting looking childrens books. He picked nothing. So we redevoued with Thing 1 in the adult fiction/mystery where they both proceeded to pick out a book. Which left me confused... Cool that they are past the early reader stage. Not so cool that I have to debate on the rating of the material. Why don't books come with an "E" for everyone or "M" for mature. The rest of the media is rated, why aren't books? I have to rely on what the Washington Post says? As if.
Me... I picked out a book on tape to listen to on my way to and from the job.

3. I constantly forget how good Dannon Carb&Sugar Control Vanilla Cream yogurt is. The stuff is just yummy! But if I open the fridge and have to choose between Edys Tollhouse icecream or Dannons Vanilla Cream... I'm afraid I'll pick the Edys. Why? Afterall I love the Vanilla Cream yogurt that is low in sugar and carbs, but alas, I like my thighs wrinkly.

4. SLJ is good. I could go on and on about him, but I don't think that ever makes for good reading material and HEY, I'm here to entertain, so I won't. Just know that we're good going on 5 months now. He's a gem! He's good to me. I'm very, very blessed.

5. Of course it's raining. We put up the tent in the side yard, washed the camaro and I promised Sneakz it would stop raining. I just, like, cursed myself. I may not be a rocket scientist, but I can make it rain.

6. Things I look forward to:
a. UFC Tito and Shamrock this coming weekend. Right on!
b. Introducing SLJ to Indian cuisine this week. Mid-week dinner planned with another couple.
c. Neck and shoulder massage Mid-week. Woo-hoo! Going to try to rid myself of that Rt. scapula knot once and for all before it lands me another ER bill from back muscle spasms. That last spasm cost me dearly. I could've had at least 8 professional massages out of that. The key is being proactive. YES, this is how I rationalize it.
d. It's PayDay week!

7. Why does it cost $10 to get your credit report? That's something I will never understand. But, I did it. I thought it would be smart to know what's on there being that the STBX and I still have joint debt. Let's just say that I wasn't entirely happy with the debt balances the STBX has been responsible for in the last year while we've been trying to get divorced. I should've been more proactive with putting barriers on the use of credit cards. My own fault I guess. Live and learn. But none of them are in default, so I guess that's a plus. Everything is in order except my first mortgage, that was paid off 3 years ago, still remains on my report. I'll have to take care of that. Here's hoping for an easy correction. Clink, clink.

8. Still waiting for my house to sell. Lowering the price yet again.
Still waiting for my divorce. I just don't get what the hold up is. Seems STBX is dragging his feet for some odd reason or another. At the end of this month we will have been separated for a year (and married for 12. Happy Anniversary.) He's the one that set this whole process in motion, so I'm not understanding the hold up here. (Besides the fact that he's wanting to hang on to the last shred of control.)
Still waiting for the insurance company to process my case of stolen items out of storage. "One to two weeks" has turned into four. Oh but when they want money they aren't so lax.
Still waiting for the clock to strike the big 5:00 so I can leave this dungeon they call my place of employment.