Another year gone by.
They say that time flies when you're having fun. Is that what we were having? Fun? Hmmm.
Around this time, I like to pull out my yearly planner and look back over the last year. Maybe there were things I had totally forgotten about. Maybe there were some really brilliant moments that I want to reflect on.
So here goes...
January, The boys and I were living with my parents still awaiting my divorce. I found myself packing up the rest of "my things" and moving all of "my stuff" completely out of the "marital house." I shoved it all in a 10x10 storage unit somehow. 28 years of things shoved into a 10x10 space. Later I would find that the lock on the storage unit had been broke and half of my stuff had been taken. It wasn't an easy feeling. I lost some very precious things.
Another emptiness.
Lots more questions.
A bit more heartache.
But now as I look back on it, I have a deep understanding of what's important to me. I now know that I can overcome loss. I know that what I have now can't be shoved into a 10x10 space. I have something that can never be taken from me.
Dignity.
Self-Respect.
Unconditional love of self.
January is when I took off and headed out on a roadtrip. I had a nice sized Christmas bonus from work and a weekend without my kids and I needed to see just a smidgen of sun through the clouds. I landed myself at a casino resort in Southern Indiana. A very plush room, room service and a spa and time and space to sort a few things out. It's difficult to explain what truly came from that roadtrip.
A little more bravado.
A smidgen more self-respect.
And one tiny little prayer...answered.
Oh and a great spa facial.
February. Just a few weeks after my roadtrip I met Shawn. I thought February was going to be THEE DREADED MONTH. I had planned on boycotting Valentines Day. I had my reasons and they were good. But Shawn had different plans. February held a fanastic Valentines Day, a new relationship, Hope and my 29th birthday party. Not bad for THEE DREADED MONTH.
March and April turned into some brand new territory. I came face to face with cancer. It was the first time that the thought of dying required serious thought from me. My very first thought was that I wasn't ready to leave my boys. They were still very young and I still had so much to teach them. I just wasn't ready to die.
A smidgen more bravado.
Another hard earned lesson in self-respect.
Forgiving myself.
And letting go of what wasn't important and grasping on tight to what was.
Cancer likes to tap me on the shoulder, but I'm still shrugging it off and telling it not today.
May, led us to the end of another school year. A sigh of relief that summer was finally here. The boys and I moved to Ohio with Shawn. A new home, which meant a whole new mess of things. New doctors, new bank, new babysitter, new hairdresser etc... etc... A fresh new start and a very warm bed. I am reminded of lazy Sunday mornings on the front porch and weekend trips to the Lake. The kids aching to go to the sandbar. Blending my things (or what was left of them) with Shawns things and making our home together.
June, July and August seem a blur. Lots of adjusting. Settling in. More sighs of relief. Letting go and letting in. Some anxiety. Suddendly each one of us found ourselves with a whole new family. The "marital house" finally sold and I took delivery of a new vehicle and said goodbye to a headache on four wheels. The boys started their new school. Sending Isaac off to middle school was like sending him off to kindergarten all over again.
September and October another blur. I remember pumpkin fields, golden wheat fields and amish buggies. The boys falling right into their new schools, no problems. Ani concert with Layli in Chicago. SECOND ROW SEATS. And a brand new education in suspension. My divorce was final. Finally. A bad bout with bronchitis followed by the stomach flu. Yah, I don't remember much of those few weeks but I chalk it up to a much needed physical cleansing. I had some bad stuff locked inside that really needed to be released. I think somewhere in this time frame Eric and I actually became friendly again. Not friends really, just not enemies. I don't know who or how it changed. But it did and it's much easier now.
A pinch more bravado.
Another letting go and letting in.
And much, much more patience.
November and December were filled with Holidays with new friends and family. And our engagement. The man of my dreams asked me to marry him and I jumped at the chance!
It was a long and difficult year. But oh so beautiful.
My year started out with loss and look how it's ended.
2006 was a year for standing my ground, forgiving myself, taking pride in myself and being very thankful for all that I have. I have this peace now that everything is going to work out. That maybe I don't have to work so hard at making things the way I want them to be. I just know that they will be, exactly how they're supposed to be. And I know that it will all be beautiful.
My only resolution for 2006 was to make boundaries and stick to those boundaries. It's a work in progress, but I'm doing better. I can say no without feeling guilty. I haven't been walked on much so thats good.
My resolution for 2007 are still being drawn up. I'm thinking about just letting it all come to me and just being open for whatever it brings.
