Charting the course.

This entry is just so I can come back a year from now (if I don't get so absurd and DELETE my entire blog again) and review where I was and where I am. Hopefully this time next year will look much brighter.

Now that was a difficult weekend! I’m not going to lie, I was pretty darn low. The kids were with their father all weekend. I had very little on my schedule to keep me busy. I actually had to will myself out of bed Sunday. I just lay there until 11:30 trying to hide from the world. The bright snow struck earth was seeping thru the windows. My bladder was bursting with enthusiasm for me to get up…but I just couldn’t. My mind was screaming, “No, you can’t make me deal with this!” I had plenty to get done(housework) but all I could think about was the fact that I was alone. Each time I would enter the kids room to put clothes away, I had that sudden longing to hug them and touch them.

All I kept wondering was what it would be like if twenty years down the road I was still alone. A spinster with a deep cleft in my soul. I’ve never had to deal with this type of loneliness before. Of course the parenting class I took Saturday morning didn’t do much for my ego. The instructor touched a lot on how divorce is like grieving a death. Grieving, with that added element of r-e-j-e-c-t-i-o-n on top of it. Ug.

My phone rang a total of two times the whole weekend. Once to baby-sit and once to be invited as a third wheel. But even at that point I couldn’t talk to the caller. Nothing to say. No news to share. No one wants to hear about how warm my blankets are, how my stomach is forming an ulcer and how my dogs breath really, really smells bad. Or how I was watching the fifth film for the weekend.

I was so happy to hear my alarm go off this morning. Some place to be. Some people to talk to. Somewhere to belong. Something that needed me as much as I needed it.

I woke up in extreme panic on Sunday. I was thinking about my "relationship" with DK. Another grief on top of losing Mars. Had I quit on him too soon? Had I cut DK off too soon? Was I becoming what I so disliked about Mars? When I didn’t fit into Mars’ plan, he cut me off, marriage over. Was I becoming that person? Was that selfish of me? What happens if I see DK in public, can we be considered friends? Had DK’s anger subsided? It had been a week since I talked to him last. Surely we were past any problems we had and could process and communicate like adults. I didn’t want to be close; I just wanted to be civil. So, what to do? What to do? Text Message, ah ha. I sent a little text message his way…and waited the entire day to hear something back…and got NOTHING. Apparently I have my answers. Moving on…

So, I’m learning to “trust the process” and learning to love the “ebb and flow.” Learning to just be with myself, be in myself. (Yes, Trishy I steal a lot of your words. Right on.) Trying to keep that candle of hope lit for a better future ahead. I do believe in fairies. I do. I do.

“The instant you learn to love yourself, is the beginning of the ultimate life long romance.” A line from the fifth film I watched over the weekend. Yes, damage was done through that whole process with Mars. But I have to admit, I’ve come out of it. I am no longer dealing with self-esteem issues (much.) I have forgiven Mars for hurting me. I can dance without caring. Now, apparently, I have to deal with the loneliness factor. It’ll pass in time just like the self-esteem crash did. Boom shaka laka.