Never a dull moment

I need another long weekend for the long weekend I just had. If I had to pick one actress to portray me in a biography... I'm thinking I'd go with Rene Zellweger in Bridgett Jones style.

Bugger.

Friday I picked up my kids from the STBX's office, dropped them off to spend the morning with their Nana and my neices. I spent Friday morning and afternoon getting the rest of our furniture and toys out of "the STBX's house" (still legally my house too.) I had tried to make the STBX a trade offer on the furniture. I offered him two new dressers and the kitchen table & chairs in exchange for my kids bed frames and mattresses. He didn't take the offer so I was going to have to buy new beds for the kids. I was kind of panicking because funds are low, but I knew something would come thru. Indeed something did. The STBX's aunt and my mother are friends. My mother mentioned I needed beds and the STBX's aunt said she had two twin beds mattresses and all that I could have for free. So not only do I still have the dressers and kitchen table but now I have two free beds as well. Interesting how things always work out in my favor.I wasn't really very excited about being at my house (the STBX's house) again, but I was suprised to find that it didn't really bother me so much. I have detached myself so much from that house and home that it didn't even seem familiar anymore. I was a bit apprehensive... I just wanted to get our stuff and get out and that's exactly what I did. Now there is nothing that ties me to that house except my name on the mortgage and title.I loaded the kids up on sugar and took them back to the STBX's office. (What was that kids? You want a can of Mt.Dew and a chocolate float from the chocolatery? Not a problem! Drink up.) I think I even smiled at STBX and waved as I drove out of the parking lot. "Bye asshole, have fun taking the kids to the grocery store after work!"

Yes, yes I did.

I also went down to the station and filed a police report on those stolen items out of my storage unit. My homeowners policy will cover it, so I decided it was probably the thing to do.

Saturday my day was spent moving everything of ours from my parents house to SLJ's house (my new home.) A friend of mine got one of those 26 foot race car hauler trailer that we jam packed and trekked across state line to my new home. I warned SLJ that I had a lot of stuff. I did not lie. Let's just say that his garage and exercise room and the whole upstairs is in chaos. Furniture, boxes and clothes everywhere! I've been on my own for twelve years. Between me and my kids, we've accumulated a lot of stuff. I even took 4 or 5 bags to the Goodwill. I even gave some things to my mom. I just have a lot of stuff and having it all in one location is challenging now. But SLJ is being a good sport and working hard at finding a place for everything.

We ended our moving day by watching the Gracie vs. Hughes fight on pay per view. Ah, that was a good one. I'm fairly new to the UFC, so it was a toss up for me. I was happy to see Hughes buy the house and kick Gracie out of it. I've always been a boxing fan, but this UFC stuff is so cool. I'm diggin it.

Sunday I sent SLJ to the gas station for fuel to fill the lawn mower. I like to mow. I like to push mow to be exact. It's exercise, art and therapy all at the same time. Anyways, SLJ came back w/ fuel and a cigar. I just stared at him and asked where mine was. He looked at me sideways and asked, "Have you even smoked a cigar before." I looked at him, like duh, and replied, "a couple of times. Last time, I shared it with a stripper." He chuckled, then realized I was serious and said, "when was that?" And of course my answer was "on my 25th birthday." Like duh. So I had to give him the run down on how I was celebrating my birthday at a strip club, right after I got my tattoo, the stripper just finished giving the STBX a lap dance, then came over and shared my cigar with me. SLJ blinked a couple of times and lit his cigar and said "I love you 'Crazy.'"It would make a better story if I could remember her name. Let's call her Cher shall we. Sorry, I forgot to get her last name. It was just one night. Give me a break.

So yah, Sunday after mowing SLJ loaded the 4-wheeler (some folks like to call it just plain 'wheeler') up on the trailer and drug it over to "NASCAR Joes" house for the race party (His son's name is Dale. Imagine that.) We jumped on the wheeler and hit the trails behind Nascar Joes house. It was just a wee bit soupy out there. Covered in mud from head to toe we were. I have a sunburn around my mud spots. Makes for an interesting complexion. At one point I asked SLJ to pull over so that I could drive. He willingly jumped on the back and off we went. Oopsy, that was quite a jump there. Had to make sure SLJ was hanging on. NASCAR Joe saw me heading towards the jump and thought "Oh boy, hope SLJ is hanging on. Hang on, hang on, hang on... oh she nearly lost him there. Whew."We all survived the trails, no injuries unless you count mud in my panties an injury. (It's just like sand, it finds it's way into those sunless areas.)

Monday, Memorial Day, SLJ and I got up early and went to "the STBX's house" to pick up my kids. We took them to the lake and spent the day swimming, fishing, boating and grilling. The kids had a great time. Just for the record, I caught the most fish. Lure? Why would I need a lure if I have a bobber and worm? We call this "Old School Fishing." Dis my house. I built dis house.

Last year I bought my first bikini. I wore it once. The weekend I left the STBX in fact. I went to a public beach and I got some sun on my belly. I had some self esteem issues. I have had two kids, I didn't think I had any business in a bikini. So I put the bikini back on to wear to the lake yesterday. The look on SLJ's face was priceless. Let's just say that I've never felt that confident in a swim suit before. SLJ has a way of making me feel like I'm the only woman on the planet. Carmen Electra could've been nude on that sand bar and SLJ wouldn't have noticed. He was too busy making my head swell. He is one talented lover boy and I am so fortunate. I know I don't have a perfect body, but this is the suit I live in and I think I'll be grateful for it. Yanno.

So it was a long, active, sweaty weekend and it leaves me wondering, with a smile on my face...whatever happened to those days not so long ago when I was striving to find something to fill my time. Ebb and Flow. This is life.

I was thinking back on a few things last night. I've had an interesting life. I've had some pretty tragic episodes. Things have happened to me that should never happen to anyone. I have constantly struggled to keep my head above but somehow I just always have. The key, maybe, is to swim naked, makes for a better story. Which brings me to yet another fond memory that maybe I'll save for some other entry.

Dancer out.

Belly laugh

Usually, I'm the only person that I can crack up.
Sometimes I'll just die laughing because I think I just thought of something hilarious, but then when I try to say that hilariousness out loud, it never works.
I get blank stares and "Cricket...Cricket...Cricket."

SLJ and I are both very fond of gummy worms. It's one of our favorites. So I bought two bags of gummy worms at the store and text messaged him "I have gummy worms!!"Evidentally, at the time he received my text msg. His phone was laying on a table at work and the guys wanted to know what his girlfriend (that'd be me) had messaged. So he told them. Which of course, has them all puzzled. Apparently they wanted to hear something juicy. They think we have something kinky going on involving gummy worms now. So of course I play along.

Yesterday, I text SLJ, knowing he was sitting in the office, "I dare you to say 'Gummy Worm Sanchez' out loud." He did and only one of his co-workers got it. One guy laughing and the rest, Cricket...Cricket...Cricket.

Um...what planet has everyone just flown in from...has no one watched Deuce Bigalow?
Has no one heard of a "Dirty Sanchez?"
I mean "For Real."
"Man-Ho" anyone?
No?
I suppose when I scream "Emilio!" you don't get that either...
So yes, once again my funny inside joke was a bust.
I think I'm funny.
As long as I make myself double over in laughter, I guess that's what really matters huh?

Why Morelli is Morelli

I have this really good guy friend, Morelli. Morelli is a flat out hottie. He is absolutely one of the greatest men I know, and I only know a couple. This is why Morelli is Morelli:

Morelli tells me about this episode that happened at the hardware store the other day. He had gone in for some paint. He's standing at the paint counter w/ the clerk mixing his paint, when an obese woman walks by. The clerk makes a derogatory comment about how he can't stand obese women like that and blah, blah, blah, fat, fat, fat - apparently a whole one sided conversation on thin women and fat women.
Morelli stands there and waits for his paint. When the clerk finally hands him his mixed paint, Morelli looks at him and says "Well, at least that woman still has her own hair." He winks at the clerk and walks away. (Apparently the clerk had a bad toupee.)

That's my Morelli!

Okay, I get it. Nuff said.

My fifth grader graduated elementary school last night. I didn't cry. I'm cried out. He made me laugh a few times though. Seems like they had to create a power point slide of/about themselves to show as the audience was arriving and being seated. (Hi my name is _____ ______, my favorite school memory is ______ . And their fifth grade picture pasted in.) MY SON chose to be the clown. (Imagine that) His power point wasn't legible because his words and picture were gravitating all over the slide at warp speed Mr. Sulu. Made the audience chuckle. Yes, that's MY kid, who never takes life too seriously.

And then he told his father that he didn't need to dress up. So he graduated in his t-shirt and ripped/faded jeans. Classic. Even AFTER I told him that morning to make sure he dressed-up a little. For pulling one over on his father, I think he might be getting that long over due hair cut he so dreads. Let's just say his father wasn't happy. I could hear the buzz of the hair clippers as we walked out.

Then, after the ceremony, he brought his "class carnation" over to myself and my mother. Split it in half and gave me the flower end and my mother the stem. Yes, this is the child I have raised. Why am I smiling?

In other news, I'm officially living w/ SLJ as of last night!! I stopped at the store for a bottle of wine, then drove thru amish country on my way HOME. I passed a church sign that read "God is your refuge." I smiled. Yes, I saw it. Yes, I'm paying attention. (The sign read differently on my way thru this morning. Weird.)

Then thru amish country on my way HOME, I passed several horses in the pastures and a total of FIVE colts. I even got to see one of the colts run across the pasture as I drove by. I giggled like a little girl.

I may have lost a lot over the last year, but what I have gained is so much more valuable. It's all okay.

Material

It's really hard to let go of things. Material possessions have a way of locking on. I've lost a few things lately. Nostalgic childhood possessions stolen from me.
Those 70's DC Comic mirrors that belonged to us as kids. Always reminded me of running around in our Super hero underoos.
That highschool newspaper with my pregnant self on the front cover.
My childrens babybooks.
Katie and Tabs death announcements.

These are among a few things that were stolen from me. How do I get over that?

I don't understand, especially when there are things I have that I don't know what to do with...
An antique wedding gown.
A diamond engagement ring.
A wedding band.
A 16x20 family picture.
A VHS tape of my wedding.

I just don't understand material possesions. Why couldn't those things have been stolen?

I'm sure there is... ah... I get it. Never mind... lets see... has she really learned to let "things" go.

I can sit here and chronicle all of the things I've lost in the last year but I won't. Several things that have been really hard to let go of. Things given up by choices made, and things stolen, ripped from my life never to be seen again. A lesson in refuge. A lesson in being grateful for what you have. A lesson in knowing what really matters.

Purging

Just taking care of business, taking out the trash, pulling out the big guns, showing what this mama's made of, making little boys cry for mercy, pisces decided to swim upstream this time instead of going with the flow, showing someone in particular just how deep that ocean is and just how vicious those sharks are...

More to follow at a later date. I thank thee for thy support!

"Breaking my back just to know your name, 17 tracks and I've had it w/ this game, somebody told me...." - dancer dancing naked still hands untied.

I take it backeth

Okay, I take it back...the STBX is a complete moron! I hate him. I do.
The line in the sand has been drawn and he crossed it.
Game over. You lose moron.

I just don't have the time or energy for a rant. I'll save it for my attorney.

ps... has anyone ever had a full blown back spasm? I spent Thursday night in the ER with tears in my eyes because I thought my back was going to deliver a freakin' baby! Holy chit that hurt.
I am for IV. I am for anti-inflammatories and pain meds instantly! Pee in a cup, SURE! Take all the blood you freakin want... JUST MAKE THIS PAIN STOP!
I have delivered two babies naturally and this was pretty darn close to that!
All better now. Must make arrangements w/ my massagist (can't spell ma suse and the spellcheck is no help .)

What a beautiful weekend it was. The weather was just gorgeous! I had such positive enthusiasm last week. It was amazing.

I worked hard on my business venture last week. Writing the plan. The words were just flowing. Amazing inspirations and motivation. The research just made sense and clicked. I felt very empowered.In doing the research, I also educated myself on a few things. My research brought me back to the earth, making me feel a part of the one big world. Reminded me of my substance and purpose.

I also survived two doctors appointments last week. With shaking hands, I faced down another demon. My fear brought out the kindest eyes in my doctor. He has been my doctor for 12 years now and never have I seen such caring bedside manner. The weirdest part was the nurse. I didn't say anything, but I think she was the same exact nurse who witnessed her first birth when I delivered my youngest son 8 years ago. I'm positive that was her. Interesting how we were united like that. I remember her excitement 8 years ago when she was witnessing a miracle. I was excited to give her that experience. And amazed that it took 8 years for us to come back around in a time where I was fearful. Karma.

The STBX and I had a few telephone conversations last week. A couple things about the kids and a couple things about the divorce. What was absolutely amazing is that we were actually friendly and civil and listened and agreed. That's a big step. The anger and bitterness has lifted. On a side note: we should be signing papers this week or next. Everything is pretty well agreed upon. Moving on.

SLJ, my parents and myself moved some of my furniture out of storage and into my new home (SLJ's house). We got to my storage unit to find the dead bolt missing. Gone. I was panicking to raise the door. Hoping my stuff was still there. Relieved to find most of it still there. Someone had cut the dead bolt. Someone had invaded and stole. Andi, they stole my elliptical machine. That seems to be all they took. I'm trying to recall what else might be missing, but I think that's all they took. I'm puzzled. I had to deal with the "loss of security" feeling. That feeling like my space had been invaded and disrespected. I hate that feeling. It's the same feeling that I had in highschool when my car was broke into. The same feeling I had when DK threatened me on the phone. I abhore that feeling. It didn't stop me from totally loving the fact that I had my couch back. I cuddled up and fell asleep on it while SLJ arranged his house to welcome my long lost stuff. It's been almost 10 months without my old stuff around me. It was a good feeling. I was looking forward to getting back on that elliptical machine too, but this morning I decided to flip the "perspective switch" and realize that it was time for the machine to be passed on. Andi empowered herself and worked her knees to death on it before her surgeries. She then passed it on to me when I started my weight loss adventure last year during the whole "STBX looks matter crisis." I empowered myself, got my heart rate up, lost a few pounds. And now, hopefully, someone else will benefit from the karma of the machine and empower themselves. I can let go of it knowing that maybe someone is using it to fight their cholesterol or heart disease. It wasn't the object that I missed. It was the connection and I still have that. No one can take that away.

I also dug in the dirt and planted some geraniums at SLJ's house. We both did. Together. The dirt felt good on my hands. We had some good laughs and jokes together while we planted. It was small, but very huge. He got a peek into how Obsessive/compulsive/anal I can be. I swear I was just joking when I told him he wasn't doing it right. Har. It feels good to laugh again.

Up ahead, there are some more moving days. Can't wait to have my home together again. SLJ's is such a gracious and welcoming sanctuary. Brings smiles to my face. I'll snap a few pics to share the moment with ya'll.

Colors

I watched the movie "The Family Stone" last night. I just have to say, what a spectacular, beautiful display of family disfunction. If you haven't seen this movie you are definitely missing something. This is one of those movies you just become a part of. You absorb the characters and their life and it touches something deep inside.Diane Keaton plays the mother in this family, and let me just say, I have never identified better with another mother. She plays this absolutely crazy mother, who wears her heart on her sleeve and that loves her children as part as herself. I love her role.There are so many beautiful scenes in this movie that brought tears to my eyes. Scenes that just seemed to hit home and just seemed to reach in yank out my liver. I had tears pooling throughout most of the film.
There is one scene where the character Thad stops in the doorway and admires his lover Patrick. That look. I've seen that look directed towards me. I cannot tell you the fulfillment that brings a person. One look that assures you that you are completely loved. The tears started rolling when I identified with the significance that look means. I am a very lucky woman to receive that look. I do not take it for granted at all. It fills my heart with such joy and satisfaction. I can't even explain it.
There are a couple of scenes that are just tear jerkers and just clone the exact feeling and picture of true unconditional love between mothers and children.
The dynamics of the Stone family just amazed me. Every single person in that family were perfectly disfunctional but somehow weaved and wound perfectly together to create such a solid family foundation. I think the theme I pulled from this film was, that everyone in the family was embraced and their differences and disfunctions were completely accepted which resulted in one big beautiful cornerstone.
We are all colored by the experiences we have. Not one of us is perfect, but perfectly imperfect. We are products of our own experiences which make us exactly who we are. I regret nothing, and I wouldn't change one experience, good or bad.
I am exactly who I want to be.