Living
Thing 1 and Thing 2 started their new schools. As I watched Thing 1 get on the bus and head for middle school for the first time, I felt panicked and sad. It was like sending him to kindergarden all over again. I wanted to scream, "My Ba-by!" He was so dreading going to a brand new school, not knowing a soul there. It weighed heavily on the both of us.
I had to put up a fight w/ the STBX about which school system. Since we sold the house, the STBX is moving but we won't be in the same city. We went back and forth for an entire month. And in the end, I won. He doesn't even have an official new residence yet so there was no way he could enroll them. His district was to start a whole week earlier than my district and we weren't prepared for that with neither one of us even living in that district. If I enrolled them in the stbx district I would have to have them out of the house at 7:00 a.m. and then there was going to be 40 minutes between when the middle school started class and the elementary school started class. It just didn't make since. Either way it would have been a new school for both Things, but I felt it was in their best interest and easier for all of us if they were enrolled in my district.
So after a month of standing my ground and hoping I was doing the right thing, they finally started their new schools. And both of them love it. Whew. That is a big, huge weight off of our shoulders. Confirmation that I did the right thing.
We had a power outage the other night. The power was out for 24 hours even though I called the electric company 4 times. Each time I was told it would be on soon. I was not a happy camper and I was ready to hunt someone down. Luckily I only lost a few things in the fridge, and luckily the weather was somewhat cool and not smoldering or humid so we didn't require air or heat.
On top of that, SLJ was out of state for a work conference. Our first official time away from each other and my first official time being alone in his (our) house (with the power out.) Not fun.
SLJ had to make arrangements with the daycare for his son and had to fill his ex in on the situation. When she found out he was going out of state for a work conference she asked him if he needed her to come along. Yanno, to keep him company. Sure, it made me mad. But I know it was an act of desperation and I know she is living with her own guilt and stupidity, so I feel a little sorry for her. No, not really. I feel nothing for her. I just hope one day she grows up and becomes the woman and mother she needs to be, before it's too late. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm just saying I've fought my own demons and came out swinging so I expect the same from others.
Which brings me to the dark side. For some reason my demon fighting crossed my mind last night. It's hard to explain depression. You can't fully understand or appreciate it until you've been there. It's a dark, lonely place. The only person in your world at that time is yourself and you aren't good enough. There are all these things that you want and know you should be and feel, but it's impossible. And when that personal failure comes knocking at your door, it's completely devastating. I keep trying to remember the instant I crawled out. The why's and hows. And I just remember the point where I said, "it's all okay" and when someone else (Cheryl) confirmed that it was "all okay" it made a huge difference. I had a chance to go within myself and what I saw wasn't bad at all. In fact when I went inside myself, it was all very bright. Very light, very sunny and very peaceful.
I just wanted to accept myself and wanted to accept where I was. I think how I did that was knowing that it was a process and I started to trust the process. I realized that it was only temporary and it was for a damn fine reason and I was going to win in the end. I was valid. Everything I thought and felt was valid. No matter what it was. I had every right to think and feel what I did.
And then when I realized that everyone else was just as freakin mad as I was, I didn't feel so alone anymore. We're all a bunch of crazies. We all have a weakness. Mine just happened to be that I need to feel loved unconditionally. But it had to start with me. I had to love myself unconditionally before anyone else could..
So, my point... "It's very much all okay. And whatever you think, feel and say is all very much valid. This process is only temporary. You will win in the end. And I will love you unconditionally. No matter what. I love everything you are."
And on that note... I shall begin my day off running errands to the bank, post office, coffee shop, library and finally (if I don't chicken out) to the BMV where I shall take (and hopefully pass) my written test to transfer my licence to my new state of residence. (Wait, is there a state of residence called "Crazy?")
I'm working on a new post titled "Things that have caused me years of therapy." Yes, it will be a tag. Can't wait can ya...
#1) Kenny Rogers and Willie Nelson...
I had to put up a fight w/ the STBX about which school system. Since we sold the house, the STBX is moving but we won't be in the same city. We went back and forth for an entire month. And in the end, I won. He doesn't even have an official new residence yet so there was no way he could enroll them. His district was to start a whole week earlier than my district and we weren't prepared for that with neither one of us even living in that district. If I enrolled them in the stbx district I would have to have them out of the house at 7:00 a.m. and then there was going to be 40 minutes between when the middle school started class and the elementary school started class. It just didn't make since. Either way it would have been a new school for both Things, but I felt it was in their best interest and easier for all of us if they were enrolled in my district.
So after a month of standing my ground and hoping I was doing the right thing, they finally started their new schools. And both of them love it. Whew. That is a big, huge weight off of our shoulders. Confirmation that I did the right thing.
We had a power outage the other night. The power was out for 24 hours even though I called the electric company 4 times. Each time I was told it would be on soon. I was not a happy camper and I was ready to hunt someone down. Luckily I only lost a few things in the fridge, and luckily the weather was somewhat cool and not smoldering or humid so we didn't require air or heat.
On top of that, SLJ was out of state for a work conference. Our first official time away from each other and my first official time being alone in his (our) house (with the power out.) Not fun.
SLJ had to make arrangements with the daycare for his son and had to fill his ex in on the situation. When she found out he was going out of state for a work conference she asked him if he needed her to come along. Yanno, to keep him company. Sure, it made me mad. But I know it was an act of desperation and I know she is living with her own guilt and stupidity, so I feel a little sorry for her. No, not really. I feel nothing for her. I just hope one day she grows up and becomes the woman and mother she needs to be, before it's too late. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm just saying I've fought my own demons and came out swinging so I expect the same from others.
Which brings me to the dark side. For some reason my demon fighting crossed my mind last night. It's hard to explain depression. You can't fully understand or appreciate it until you've been there. It's a dark, lonely place. The only person in your world at that time is yourself and you aren't good enough. There are all these things that you want and know you should be and feel, but it's impossible. And when that personal failure comes knocking at your door, it's completely devastating. I keep trying to remember the instant I crawled out. The why's and hows. And I just remember the point where I said, "it's all okay" and when someone else (Cheryl) confirmed that it was "all okay" it made a huge difference. I had a chance to go within myself and what I saw wasn't bad at all. In fact when I went inside myself, it was all very bright. Very light, very sunny and very peaceful.
I just wanted to accept myself and wanted to accept where I was. I think how I did that was knowing that it was a process and I started to trust the process. I realized that it was only temporary and it was for a damn fine reason and I was going to win in the end. I was valid. Everything I thought and felt was valid. No matter what it was. I had every right to think and feel what I did.
And then when I realized that everyone else was just as freakin mad as I was, I didn't feel so alone anymore. We're all a bunch of crazies. We all have a weakness. Mine just happened to be that I need to feel loved unconditionally. But it had to start with me. I had to love myself unconditionally before anyone else could..
So, my point... "It's very much all okay. And whatever you think, feel and say is all very much valid. This process is only temporary. You will win in the end. And I will love you unconditionally. No matter what. I love everything you are."
And on that note... I shall begin my day off running errands to the bank, post office, coffee shop, library and finally (if I don't chicken out) to the BMV where I shall take (and hopefully pass) my written test to transfer my licence to my new state of residence. (Wait, is there a state of residence called "Crazy?")
I'm working on a new post titled "Things that have caused me years of therapy." Yes, it will be a tag. Can't wait can ya...
#1) Kenny Rogers and Willie Nelson...
posted by tiny dancer | 8:38 AM
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