"Like a nat on crack"
Still processing this, but I went a little crazy in the kitchen this weekend. It started out with dinner rolls. A few weeks ago I attempted the STBX's secret family yeast dinner roll recipe I was afforded after 10 years of marriage. I hadn't yet made the dinner rolls mostly because of lifestyle chaos but also out of fear of failure. I still haven't mastered the secret sugar cookie recipe after a few attempts at that, so I was sure I wouldn't succeed on the yeast dinner roll recipe either. Anyways, the first attempt was a flop. Hockeypucks. But then I realized that part of the directions had been left out. Inadvertently I hope. After a thought and a small discussion with my own mother about the lack of directions, I figured it out. So, I attempted it a second time. And bingo. I have oh so yummy rolls. Now what to do with the apples...
It's pretty sickening for me to think it was more than just a whim to create in the kitchen. What if it was indeed a proof that I could succeed. What if it was a plea for success and praise. After all I spent several years hearing the words "Mom's or Grandmas are better." I spent several years trying to live up to the standard w/o success. Is that why I spent several hours in the kitchen on Saturday baking not only yeast dinner rolls, but blueberry muffins, apple crumb cake and a gorgeous apple pie? Or was it just because I had spotted a few new recipes and was dying to try them out? Why did I pack up a dish of samplings for SLJ's mother? Was it because we suddenly had all of this food that we would never finish off and I decided to share or was it because I'm scared to death that I may never live up to a MIL standard and so badly wanted to proof my worthiness? It's really sick and twisted. But I'm trying to just blow it off and chalk it up to the fact that it was a whim and it was beautiful and I can indeed bake like a Betty Crocker. If I was experiencing some sort of emotional damage repair moment in the kitchen, then this experience was a healing one. I can. I did. So there. Moving on to carrot cake and peanut butter bread.
On top of the point I made in the kitchen this weekend, I'm also experiencing some fear of death. I have my 4 month recheck at the Gyn next week and a small (Okay medium) part of me is fearing that this time I'll have cervical cancer. I lucked out 4 months ago in May and some cellular changes turned out to be something "we'll just keep a consistant eye on." Well, it's time for the recheck and all I can think about is that I'm not going to be so fortunate this time.
It actually brings tears to my eyes. I choke up when I think about who will be my childrens mother after I die. Mary Freakin Poppins? Oh Lord no. It's not that I fear death in itself, I'm just not done yet. I haven't shown my children how to make yeast dinner rolls (kidding.) There's just so much I haven't done and my children are so young.
SLJ wanted to know what was bothering me. Well, I unloaded no holds bar. "I'm gonna die, Mary Poppins will raise my children yadda, yadda, yadda."
WHOA! Slow down woman.
I want to paint in Provence like Van Gogh. I want to go to a nude beach nude in Jamacia Mon. There's just so much yanno. And then a person starts thinking about how they've lived their life to this point and ponder any regrets. I already know I have no regrets so that's not really an issue. Then there's the whole religion thing, but I'm pretty comfortable with my own beliefs so check that off the list. Will everyone really comprehend how much I have loved them? Is there something else I need to do?
I've really gotta stop making mountains out of mole hills, but this must be the season for deep thought and reflection so I might as well be welcoming towards it. It's there. It's legitimate. It'll pass.
I had a great epiphany this weekend as well. As a pisces I feel emotions pretty deeply. I've always been pretty tuned in to not only my feelings but the feelings of others. Lately though, it's a slight curse. It seems like every tear jerking moment on film catches my heart in its grips and I can relate to it so much deeper now. A movie moment will crush me like it never has before. I'm feeling things much deeper than before. Fever Pitch brought it out over the weekend. When my girl Drew and whats his face break it off. And when my girl Drew says that smart line about "something inside just shuts off" I lost it.
I know that this is because of my divorce. That was the deepest emotion I have ever had to deal with and because of it, I'm slightly more sensitive to anothers display of pain. However, I welcome this. I'm not scared or threatened by it because it reminds me I'm alive. There was such a long dull period that I experienced entirely on my own and my psychie did what it needed to do to survive and I shut down.
I banned weddings and funerals.
I no longer needed a box of tissue during a movie.
A hug was few and far between.
Swore I'd never get married again.
I felt I had actually shut that part off and grew past it. I was untouchable for so long. And then my marriage ended and I was so deeply wounded. Will I ever heal completely? Na, there will always be that annoying scar that no amount of cocoa butter will take away. And that's fine. It's okay. I actually welcome the feelings. I still don't like to cry and I may change the subject quickly or pass it off with an uneasy laugh that I so frequently do. But at least I feel and at least I know it's a process and not a sign of weakness. It makes me a more compassionate person.
A lot going on in this head of mine. I'll just go with the flow and let it go when I need to.
It's pretty sickening for me to think it was more than just a whim to create in the kitchen. What if it was indeed a proof that I could succeed. What if it was a plea for success and praise. After all I spent several years hearing the words "Mom's or Grandmas are better." I spent several years trying to live up to the standard w/o success. Is that why I spent several hours in the kitchen on Saturday baking not only yeast dinner rolls, but blueberry muffins, apple crumb cake and a gorgeous apple pie? Or was it just because I had spotted a few new recipes and was dying to try them out? Why did I pack up a dish of samplings for SLJ's mother? Was it because we suddenly had all of this food that we would never finish off and I decided to share or was it because I'm scared to death that I may never live up to a MIL standard and so badly wanted to proof my worthiness? It's really sick and twisted. But I'm trying to just blow it off and chalk it up to the fact that it was a whim and it was beautiful and I can indeed bake like a Betty Crocker. If I was experiencing some sort of emotional damage repair moment in the kitchen, then this experience was a healing one. I can. I did. So there. Moving on to carrot cake and peanut butter bread.
On top of the point I made in the kitchen this weekend, I'm also experiencing some fear of death. I have my 4 month recheck at the Gyn next week and a small (Okay medium) part of me is fearing that this time I'll have cervical cancer. I lucked out 4 months ago in May and some cellular changes turned out to be something "we'll just keep a consistant eye on." Well, it's time for the recheck and all I can think about is that I'm not going to be so fortunate this time.
It actually brings tears to my eyes. I choke up when I think about who will be my childrens mother after I die. Mary Freakin Poppins? Oh Lord no. It's not that I fear death in itself, I'm just not done yet. I haven't shown my children how to make yeast dinner rolls (kidding.) There's just so much I haven't done and my children are so young.
SLJ wanted to know what was bothering me. Well, I unloaded no holds bar. "I'm gonna die, Mary Poppins will raise my children yadda, yadda, yadda."
WHOA! Slow down woman.
I want to paint in Provence like Van Gogh. I want to go to a nude beach nude in Jamacia Mon. There's just so much yanno. And then a person starts thinking about how they've lived their life to this point and ponder any regrets. I already know I have no regrets so that's not really an issue. Then there's the whole religion thing, but I'm pretty comfortable with my own beliefs so check that off the list. Will everyone really comprehend how much I have loved them? Is there something else I need to do?
I've really gotta stop making mountains out of mole hills, but this must be the season for deep thought and reflection so I might as well be welcoming towards it. It's there. It's legitimate. It'll pass.
I had a great epiphany this weekend as well. As a pisces I feel emotions pretty deeply. I've always been pretty tuned in to not only my feelings but the feelings of others. Lately though, it's a slight curse. It seems like every tear jerking moment on film catches my heart in its grips and I can relate to it so much deeper now. A movie moment will crush me like it never has before. I'm feeling things much deeper than before. Fever Pitch brought it out over the weekend. When my girl Drew and whats his face break it off. And when my girl Drew says that smart line about "something inside just shuts off" I lost it.
I know that this is because of my divorce. That was the deepest emotion I have ever had to deal with and because of it, I'm slightly more sensitive to anothers display of pain. However, I welcome this. I'm not scared or threatened by it because it reminds me I'm alive. There was such a long dull period that I experienced entirely on my own and my psychie did what it needed to do to survive and I shut down.
I banned weddings and funerals.
I no longer needed a box of tissue during a movie.
A hug was few and far between.
Swore I'd never get married again.
I felt I had actually shut that part off and grew past it. I was untouchable for so long. And then my marriage ended and I was so deeply wounded. Will I ever heal completely? Na, there will always be that annoying scar that no amount of cocoa butter will take away. And that's fine. It's okay. I actually welcome the feelings. I still don't like to cry and I may change the subject quickly or pass it off with an uneasy laugh that I so frequently do. But at least I feel and at least I know it's a process and not a sign of weakness. It makes me a more compassionate person.
A lot going on in this head of mine. I'll just go with the flow and let it go when I need to.
posted by tiny dancer | 4:36 PM
1 Comments:
Wow...your doing and feeling a lot young lady. :)
sorry about the pain.
it sucks.
like birth though, something beautiful is always waiting after it.
it still sucks while were there though.
and I hear ya. I feel ya.
as always.
~amy
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