Slut song

I'm disturbed. (Yes, epiphany!)
I decided to listen to a local pop station because I was going mad over some SOS song that Spyder was talking about. So I find this local pop station on the radio and they are playing an Eminem song..."Shake that ass for me. Shake that ass for me." It's really not a delightful song for womens integrity and what disturbs me is that I like it. Wait, no I love it. I turned up the bass, turned up the volume and bounced along down the interstate. Scary. I felt guilty. I got over it.

I finally heard the SOS song Spyder was talking about too..."cause I'm your tiny dancer!"
Um huh, that's right. I'm your tiny dancer baby! Big smiles.

I've been in a terrible mood over the last week. PMS. I've cut sugar out of my diet. 6 days w/out sugar (except for my addiction to sweetened caffeinated beverages like the venti CMacc I had this morning.) Anxiety levels have been vera high. Just stressing about the living situation and the future. Feeling very inadequate as a mother, daughter and friend. When it rains it pours and sometimes there are just no umbrellas around.

Anyways, the anxiety finally broke yesterday.
It might have been the whole ponderance of a watch w/ no hands.
Or it could've been the 10 minutes I spent in the "fake D" (aka tanning bed.)
Or it could've been the Double latte'.
Or it could've been the Bahai prayer I recited with my friends family last night.
Or it could've been the combination of all of the above.
Whatever it was, it broke the anxiety and I'm back to my old tiny dancer half is glass full (half is glass full?) self.

By the end of the prayers, I was re-freshed. I bounced around my friends kitchen doing the dishes, cleaning the counters, sweeping the floors. Then we worked on the business plan a little and I was suddenly amazed at how focused and on task I was. Then I hopped on the interstate and cranked the Eminem up. Made my way to Ohio to visit my SLJ. Had a scorching hot shower. Drank a coupla beers and laughed with SLJ and his Cousin T until about 2:00 am. And I feel great today.

Not much anxiety or inadequecy exists today. I'm calm, cool and collected once more. Trusting the process and bouncing to the bass w/ Eminem's slut song.

No hands

I just met a man that has no hands on his watch. Why does he wear the watch if it doesn't function like a watch should? Maybe to remind him that it doesn't really matter what time it is.
What if I had no hands on my watch. Would I be anxious all the time, just wandering what time it is. Or would I even care what time it was and just go with the flow?

Does it really matter what time it is? I looked at the clock at 4:00 and then again at 4:30. What did I do that was so important in that half hour? If I want it to be 6:30 so bad, why can't I just do what I would do at 6:30, that seems so important to me, now.

Where was I yesterday at 4:30? Did it matter? Will it matter tomorrow? Tomorrow I might be dead by 3:30 and never see 4:30. Will that hour matter?

Tomorrow I know that my nephews birthday party is at 5:00. I won't be there exactly at 5:00. Would it matter to my nephew if I showed up earlier or later? As long as I brought his gift, I think not.

I also have to be at the office at 9:00. It would most likely matter if I was late, but no one seems to acknowledge when I'm early. Early doesn't count like late counts. Why?

I have my alarm clock set for 6:30. I don't usually get up until 7:00. Does that half hour matter? Did I waste it?

Am I letting the hands on the watch dictate how I live my life? Most likely the answer is, yes. Why? Because of society? Because that's what responsible adults do? Time management.
This watch with no hands has me perplexed. Therefore I must assume that if I wore a watch with no hands, I would indeed be anxious. But is the anxiety equal to that of wearing a watch with hands? I do not know.

Maybe I need a watch with just one hand... then I would be somewhere in between. Kinda caring, kinda not.

This is exactly why I don't read the paper. It makes me anxious.

A place called home

It's Sunday afternoon. The first Sunday in Spring. I woke up at 10:20 a.m. I hardly ever sleep in, so that was quite a treat. And then I woke up to the sunshine. Even better. I stepped out on the porch while letting the pup out and my feet soaked up the warmed concrete and I gazed at the grass as it struggled to turn green.

It seems I've returned to that apprehension phase. Anxiety of where to go, what to do, not having a clue. Limbo. No home, trying to realize that home is in my heart. The dominoes are still upright. As if all of them refuse to fall. I'm trying hard not to let myself be frustrated. Patience is not a virtue of mine. I suppose this is my great lesson.

I had a vision today of my garden. I guess it was the spring like weather that brought it on. I stood at the edge of my garden and tears rolled down my face. I had a couple of people beside me. I was sharing. They were supporting and each of them understood why I had tears rolling down my cheeks. And then I walked over to a woman (my future "MIL") and I grabbed her hand and let her stand beside me at my garden. My husband was there. Not the STBX, but my future husband and he wiped away the tears and looked over my garden with pride and respect.

It was just the spring like weather and the knowledge that my life is proceeding not returning.

I will gather my strength and my pride and I will wait patiently. Trusting the process. I know it's coming soon, but I suppose there are a few more things to learn before then.

Home is in my heart.

FOR LOVE OF DOG

I've been very busy at work lately...hence multiple postings per day.
I'm a dog person. I heart dogs. My boyfriend has a dog. It's some sort of mix that he adopted from the shelter. The thing is adorable. It really, really is. The bad part is that it's still a puppy. It's about 7 months old now. It likes to chew on things. He leaves the dog out of it kennel at night to roam the house. Here's a list of some of the things we've lost to the dogs mischevious nature.
1) SLJ's pager for work
2) SLJ's son's nebulizer meds - all of them. Not cheap. Good thing SLJ's girlfriend works at an Allergy & Asthma center.
3) Two pair of tiny dancer panties - crotch only.
4) A tiny dancer tooth brush and cap to the toothpaste
5) SLJ's leather weight lifting glove.
6) Multiple SLJ's sons plastic toys, balls and stuffed animals - poor Shrek
7) Entryway linoleum
8) Pieces of carpet
9) SLJ's son has lost many a plate of food or bowl of cereal to the pup.
Multiple pieces of trash has been pulled out of the bathroom can. He once murdered a pull-up, filled w/ those tiny little pee absorbing beads.Multiple pieces of actual trash bag at an attempt to get the trash.It's kind of become a game...Wake up in the morning to guess what Chopper has destroyed this time.
The dog isn't allowed in the bed. Instead of waking you up to go out, he just hikes a leg and pees on you. I've been peed on twice now. I try not to take it personal.There's a running joke of "Where's Chopper" because there have been times when I've wondered if he will live to see the next day. The dog likes to roam the neighborhood too. We thought we were smarter than the dog. We thought we covered the hole in the fence...must be more than one hole. There have been multiple phone calls from neighbors letting us know the dog is visiting.
But still, at the end of the day when it's time to relax on the couch and veg a bit, Chopper curls up right beside me, snuggles in tight and lets me rub his soft soft puppy ear and somehow, I find myself still loving that dog even if he ate my favorite pair of panties.

Do you smell that?

I was at a friends house helping out with dinner the other night. I was prepping the green beans for steaming. I clipped the ends, tossed the bean into the colander and rinsed them. And there it was... the smell of dirt. It wafted up to my nose, it took over my entire being. Visions of my hands in dirt. Visions of my garden. Visions of bushes of beans and red potatoes.

I couldn't help but smile. I heart dirt.

Inventory

Why I'm thinking about this, I'm not entirely sure. I guess just taking stock. I've come to the realization that yup, I live in my car.

I guess that's normal for a person that owns a house at point A, also where the kids go to school, staying w/ parents 15 minutes from that at point B, works and socializes w/ close friends 45 minutes from that at point C, trying to start a business, 10 minutes from that, at point D, and has a boyfriend 30 minutes from that in point E. Yes my daily life is the ending to Elizabethtown.

So, yah, now I can see why the majority of my income goes to my vehicle. Makes sense now.However it doesn't lighten the excruiciating pain I feel at the gas pump. I always think "Well, there goes a day on the clock only to be spit out the exhaust in the end."

Items in my car at this very moment:
1) Several shirts hanging in the back window
2) Overnight bag w/ spare curling iron and hairdryer and spare panties (AKA Booty call bag)
3) 3 CD cases...my entire CD collection is kept in my car. I don't even own a home stereo system.
4) Sage smudge stick (gives police officers something to talk about.)
5) bottle of perfume
6) 2 fingernail files (I suffer from OCD when it comes to my fingernails)
7) several pens
8) wire cutters (um, yah, don't ask.)
9) several used napkins from my morning multi-grain bagels (can be re-used when a child vomits or sneezes)
10) umbrella (at this time only one. I usually keep at least two.)
11) two pairs of muddy boys shoes.
12) two muddy boys jackets
13) dog leash (do I even have a dog? oh yah, I do. No worries, her grandparents take excellent care of her.)
14) Imaginext pieces (just in case I have a sudden need to build a castle.)
15) Six childrens books (never know when I'll be entertaining someone elses child. I'm always prepared. Okay, and I love childrens books.)
16) hairbrush
17) kitchen shears (not sure about that one either.)
18) multiple pages of written directions and addresses (not sure whose, but hey, at least I know how to get there.)
19) US map (never know when I'll drive to a casino for the weekend.)
20) Two funnels (lesson from the college days: Always had oil, never had funnel. Now I have two funnels and no oil.)
21) Boyfriends jacket (makes the vehicle smell yummy.)
22) car soap and wax (came w/ the vehicle, never been used.)
23) plain white sheet (mutiple uses.)
24) spare tire
25) jumper cables
26) New years beads hanging from mirror
27) hula girl air freshener hanging from mirror going on two years now.
28) old big bulky flame covered cell phone and charger (What the frell are you supposed to do with the outdated cell stuff anyways?)
29) newer cell phone charger for my handy dandy little flip phone
30) big bag of cake decorating supplies (There's something you wouldn't have guessed huh. Never know when you need to bake a cake.)
31) Ice scraper thingy

So yah. There you have it. Now who read thru all of that and thought "No make-up"...come on, fess up. I'm a once a day application girl. I don't priss too much, and I can't apply and drive at the same time. Now who's thinking "No but bake a cake and drive at the same time."

RE: Taking Requests

I mentioned just a tad bit about the goddess dance class in my last post and had a request to further expand on it.

(Sorry, no pictures. But trust me, it is not a picture worthy site to see me shimmying. Just take my word for it.)

Anyways, this was more like a one time only workshop that I was involved in. There is a group of women that meet every week to learn, discuss and ponder the influences of the goddess' we as women possess. This group, or sisterhood, is led by a local professor named Beverley Danusis. Anyways, my close friend and business partner, Layli' is a part of this goddess rap. Layli' is from Hawaii and has been practicing the art of belly dancing for over nine years. She has also taught belly dancing for birthing and empowerment for 2 years. Layli' was giving this workshop on belly dancing and tapping into your sacred space for the goddess group, and I attended. Layli' gifted the group with her dance and then continued to teach a few moves and lead the group into their own empowerment and free will to dance.

If you ever have a chance to see a belly dancer perform, I highly recommend it. It's a very empowering, beautiful thing to observe. And just squelch any images of woman shaking teets in face or woman getting naked for your viewing pleasure, because it is so not like that. It's a very cultural, spiritual dance that leaves you pretty much breathless and in awe. From knowing Layli and knowing other belly dancers thru her, I feel pretty comfortable in saying that the belly dance has pretty well evolved back to women dancing for their own empowerment, and not women dancing for men's pleasure as seen in Indiana Jones, Star Wars etc...etc...

In writing about all of this, I feel compelled to share how Layli' specifically her dance has affected my life. Because, after all, like duh, it's all about me.

As you're all aware I'm sure, I have been "coming into my own" for just over a year now. Call it my Saturn, call it crawling out of my abyss, call it becoming a woman, call it my mid-life crisis, call it whatever the hell you wanna. Whatever it is dubbed...I've been privy to come into it over the last year. The crossing of the threshold was in Cheryls yoga class in L.A. last February. (Sending my love to Cheryl! XO) Upon returning to the Mid-West and the undying, devoted, unconditional love of my husband, I started said voyage into my own. As it turns out, I was not meant to journey alone without guidance. Thus, I was sent Layli' from Hawaii. My empowerment icon.

We bonded, formed friendship and to this day we have GNO every now and again. The first GNO, I didn't dance. In my damaged mind, I was fat and ugly and very uncomfortable w/ myself and I just couldn't dance. Especially felt this way when up against a nine year veteran belly dancer. Slowly over the past year, Layli's empowerment and total comfort with her body has rubbed off on me. Layli' has helped majorly in reversing damage done. Her encouraging words, her actions, her dance has helped me be comfortable with my body and hence...smiling, stark naked tiny dancer untying hands here.

My journey has not yet ended...never ending. But in review...WHOA! Have I sure come a long way. I strongly believe that people and events are placed on our paths for very specific reasons.

Do me a favor, yah YOU (Men and women alike)...if you don't already have it (for whatever ungodly reason), get a copy of Macy Grays "Sexual Revolution", pop it into your CD player, get naked, and just dance. If you're normally not a dancer, here's a few tips: stand w/ your knees slightly bent and move your hips in a figure eight fashion. To the right around the loop and to the left around the loop. Maybe raise your arms above your head and grab your left index finger w/ your right hand. Don't look in the mirror, just know you are fantastic. Not because I said so, just because you are. Dance your heart out and be sure to smile. Unconditionally love yourself. It's really okay not to be perfect. None of us are, but we are still very beautiful people. And when you're done, maybe sit and reflect. Maybe listen to "Song for a friend" by Jason Mraz. Maybe just love yourself for a few minutes... and then indulge in a bite or two of 66% dark chocolate.

Mmmmm. Life just doesn't get any better than this. (Now unlock the bathroom door, turn off the water you used for noise and go on with your day.)

Roy-Boss tea

Huh? It's the middle of March. WTF?
I barely have weeks left. I don't have much time. I don't have a plan of action. Oh crap.

These are the thoughts I'm trying to live without. They are there, way down there. Jumping up every now and again, just to be reminded that everything will work out as it should.

I'm still waiting on my divorce. When will this be over? When can I sign papers?
I'm still waiting on the cash flow to make it possible to move out of my parents, and that's pending the divorce. So, back to: When will the divorce be done?
I don't have a plan on where to move to. I thought I did. But there are still so many variables.
Variables like: Where are the children going to go to school? What will I do for childcare this summer? And those variables get even more complicated because I know they are only short term. And then I wonder: Should I even bother with the short term arrangements or should I just slide right into the long term? That would most likely be the best idea for the children, but will it be the best idea for me? And all of this is going to need to be decided and acted upon by the end of May.

Which means...I have 2 months. I have a lifetime, but I have two months.

In the meantime, I'm doing what I can to plan ahead. Exploring options. Waiting. Drinking my tea. Eating my veggies. Riding the ATV and getting muddy. Balancing my checkbook daily and paying my bills. Moving forward on my business plan. Taking a goddess dance class tonight. You know the drill...just living. What other option do I have?

In my opinion

Evidentally I have a calling.
I have been told I communicate well.
I give it out honestly. I will not tell you what you want to hear. I will tell you what you need to hear, but I will do it in a way that respects and loves. I will not judge. I can't judge. I just can't. No matter what you're feeling, it's valid. I will try to help you step away from the situation and I will try to help you flip the perspective. I will not tell you what you want to hear.

DK made contact again yesterday. After several unanswered calls and messages left on my voicemail, my curiosity got the best of me. What was going on and why after 3 months was he calling me? If anything, I needed to just simply let him know he wasn't allowed back in.

My instinct told me that it was something about K. K is the co-worker that I introduced to DK when I was dating him. K is the co-worker that acted like my friend. K is the co-worker that I believed hooked up with DK behind my back. Like I said, I didn't have confirmation of that until last week. So, after several phone calls from DK, and before I answered any of them, I decided to confront K. I went right up to her desk and when I asked to speak with her for a minute, she instantly knew what it was about.

Without apology, she quickly filled me in on how they had been seeing each other for the past 3 months and now DK was out of control and stalking her. (Keep in mind that K is not stable either. This is not the first "stalker" K has had. I'm not entirely sure how many restraining orders K has out there on men who have "stalked" her...but I do know they exist.)

So DK has found himself in a pickle. He has fallen madly in love with K, but K wants nothing to do with him and plans on filing a restraining order on him today. Such a pickle. But still leaves the question unanswered as to why he's calling me...

I talked to DK for about an hour last night. Turns out that he was actually calling to apologize to the way "things went down" with us. I accepted his apology and quickly let him know that forgiving him and befriending him are two different things. I can forgive without letting him back into my life.

And then, it came out... he was wanting me to be a friend and talk to K on his behalf. Saw that coming a mile away. So I quickly put out that fire. No. K is not my friend. DK is not my friend. Whatever is going on between them, doesn't involve me. I will not play games. I will not waste my time. DK kept denying that he wanted me in the middle of it, but when I simply stated "then what are you asking of me?" He had no choice but to realize he was indeed asking me to get in the middle of it.

I then told DK that if he was asking for my opinion about the situation, I will gladly give it to him. And I did. I just simply said, "step away. Get out." He went on to say how he loved her and that it wasn't that easy... and you may only guess what I told him... (wait for it...)

"True love, is given AND received, equally."

Silence followed that statement. I was right and there was no arguing with me.

If there is one thing that I know, I know this...if it is not equal, it is not love.

DK kept asking if we could be friends. To that I replied (please save your applause for the end)

"I used to have a problem dropping people. I do not have that problem anymore."
To which he said, "I guess you can thank me for that." And he's right. Between him and the STBX...I don't have a problem dropping people that just don't get it.
* good point made by a friend here... "I guess you can thank me for that" was credit taken where credit was not deserved. An attempt at "teaching me, helping me" when in fact... it was my call, my choice. Very very good point. Opinions always welcome from friends. Don't spare me.

So class our lesson from Counselor Carol today:
1) Give it straight. Be honest, but be respectful and loving and sensitive. (otherwise I might have to put you on my shit list with the STBX.)
2) You can forgive without befriending. You forgive for you, not them. (Forgive our tresspasses as we forgive those that tresspass against us.)
3) True love is giving and receiving, equally. (It's not one person loving the other, and the other filing a restraining order.)
4) If they just don't get it. Step away. Get out. Re-evaluate. Then move on. Purge old to receive new. (The future cannot move in, if we are clinging to the past. Make room.)
5) Do not give credit where credit is not deserved.

Amen.

Now go forth and plant seeds of love (I say as I have my head cocked to the left and spreading my arms out, palms up as the sun shines down upon my head. Ha.)

MARCH MADNESS

Interesting weekend.

I had an appointment with my divorce attorney on Friday. We reviewed the divorce papers together and agreed on all the changes I wanted to see made. A letter will go out to the STBX's attorney with proposed changes and so now I wait once again for further instructions. I hate this waiting stuff, but I'm pretty good at it at this point. My attorney had me on a high note and laughing before I left his office. I'm grateful for him. I love the above and beyond kindness he possess.

I had my very first Tarot reading on Friday too. Interesting stuff there. New revelations. Always something new. I've been thinking about it all weekend. Some important things that were relayed that I feel like sharing with this particular group of people...The thing about Tarot is that you're not going to find out anything new that you don't already know or believe. My reading was basically just a confirmation of things I'm already realizing. I asked a lot of questions was given answers that I already know in my heart. Basically my reading confirmed that this spring and summer will be a very busy one for me. A cleansing. A re-structuring if you will. Lots happening this spring.
Here's just a few things that stand out that I think we can all relate to.
1) Once a jerk, always a jerk until that person decides that they themselves don't want to be a jerk. Nothing I can do about it. I can only let go and move on. Often, that persons greatest gift will be to have met me. Realize this.
2) Negativity. The moon and stars only shine when it's dark out. Flip the perspective. Going from the mantra of "That's not okay" to "This is okay because..." When a child has had an encounter with a bully on the bus...it gives that child the chance to shine and be proclaimed as "the nice kid." Flip the perspective. It's that easy.
3) I don't have to agree. And when someone does or is doing something I don't agree with, be thankful that they are the ones doing it because now, I don't have to be the one doing it. Bow out.
4) Everything that I have been taught in the past can be untaught. I know and believe what is right for me. It's time to live in my beliefs. As a pisces, I have an internal switch, I can flip it at any time. Just need to learn how to flip it.
5) I don't necassarily want to be the example to my children on how to say "I'm not okay with this." I want to be the example on "how to be happy." Doing things to be happy rather than doing things because it's not okay. It is okay. It's exactly how it's supposed to be and I can see the stars shine because of it.
I'm not saying that I didn't have to go through that period of time when I found my voice...I had to go through that. I found my voice, I see what's right. It's time to move on with it. Voice is here to stay. It's not going anywhere. I won't lose it. It's time to realize what I believe as truth versus what I was taught to believe as truth, and just simply be happy. The old Dancer is not coming back. Jerks will look at me and not recognize me because how can I possibly be this happy? I can be this happy because "I'm okay with this." "It's okay."
I hope this speaks to you like it spoke to me. Constant states of change. Series of evolution. The journey...on.

I spent the weekend with SLJ. It's constantly amazing me how you can be in a relationship and learn so much about yourself thru the other person. It's a reflection, I know, I know.

I met his STBX wife Saturday. Sure I was a little anxious. Anxious but very willing. It went smoothly. In that scenario I saw a lot of things that I am. I am unflappable. I am proud. I am beautiful. I am confident. I am a gawd damned good mother. (Those are things I never knew until she showed them to me.)

I met his parents Sunday. I wasn't anxious about that at all.

The thing that I get the most when I'm with SLJ...there are truly just some people who do "get it." He gets it. He gets me. I don't have to explain myself or drive a point home...he just simply gets it. He sees me and he knows me. And there are some people who can laugh right along with you, even if you don't know what the hell you're laughing about. There are some people that you can just fall to the floor and laugh, and they will be right beside you laughing with you. It's really nice. Really, really nice. No judgements...there's a new thing.

Another thing that popped up this weekend...Remember that whole chaotic deal back in December with DK? I was 99.9% positive DK had "hooked up" with one of my co-workers. I didn't have proof...I just had coincidence and a gut feeling. Well, Thursday my gut feeling was confirmed. Proof. DK walked straight into the office I work at and brought her a rose. It's been going on since December.
Not only that...but he tried to come back to me for a friend. He called me 10 times on Sunday. He was unstable. He needed someone to talk to. The last time I talked to him he yelled at me and hung up on me. I said no. I'm sorry, but NO ONE gets to yell and scream at me, call me unstable, lie to my freakin face and then come back when they need a friend. It doesn't work that way.

The old Dancer...she's gone. The new Dancer is here to rock the house and I will give your responsibility right back to you.

Giddy up.

Yes. Yes I do believe my hands are finally untied. Dancing freely now.