With my hands tied behind my back

It's after the party. The ballroom is littered and empty. I am naked. My hands are tied behind my back. There is no music. The band is long gone. Yet, still I dance. I dance with a smile.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

hahum...I have an announcement to make


It always seems that the minute I say I have nothing to say...words just float onto the page.

Today, I have something to say and I want it to be perfect, but I know there is no plan, only heartfelt flow.

Today, my something to say is inspired from Gigi's entry "Aloha Sweet Ruth." Thank you Gigi for sharing your heart.

It was February when I saw the picture. My heart still heavy with just a hint of a scar, but my spirit was light and laughing. In the picture there stood this beautiful man, strong, lean and confident. My heart tweaked a little and I let a little "ohah" sneak out of my lips. My silent mind spoke, "Now this is a handsome boy."

The picture led to email and email to telephone conversations about who we were and our interests and such. It didn't take long until email and telephone led to our first date.

I was to meet him at a local Italian restaurant after work one night. We arrived at the same time. Stepped out of our cars and met each other. That was our first step together.While waiting for our table he said to me, "Your pictures don't do you justice." I could tell he meant it, he was smitten and I blushed still not knowing how to receive compliments. We ordered red wine with our dinner. He let me pick the bottle. He had remembered I liked reds from a phone conversation. It had been forever and a day since I had shared a glass of wine with a man.

Fortunetly for us, the wine went straight to my head and I babbled and blah blahhed throughout the entire dinner. His eyes were intense and they never left my face. I had his full undivided attention. I was astonished at how not even the two younger blondes at the other table caught his eyes. He had a gorgeous smile. I wanted to reach across the table and touch my fingers to his lips.

Our food and wine came and went. We felt the end of our first date drawing near, but neither one of us was ready to retreat just yet. We needed more.

We decided to drive across town to an outdoor mall. In the middle of February. In the Midwest at Ten o'clock at night. We walked the sidewalks near each other, but not familiar enough to touch. Our hands shoved in our pockets for warmth. Only one store was open. The bookstore. We searched the art history books for my favorite Picasso painting. He found it first.

Beauty, confidence, intensity, attention to details and now diligence.

When there was barely enough warmth or entertainment for us to keep our first meeting going, we decided to pack it up and call it a night. He drove me to my car and we waited for my car heater to spread it's warmth. He stumbled over his words and asked if I would be interested in going on another date with him. Oh yes. Very interested.

He didn't try to kiss me. I left his car and smiled back at him as I climbed in mine. And that's the moment it hit me. This man with those intense eyes and beautiful mouth was going to be my husband. I just knew it. He was different from the rest. A gentlemen? I didn't think they bred those anymore.

Later, his sister would tell me that the morning after our first date he just quietly told his family that he had met the most beautiful woman. "She is so pretty." he'd said.

Our second date was dinner and a hockey game accompanied by my children. I admit, it was a test. Two kids shoved into the picture so soon. I was letting him know it was a package deal. I don't come alone. Again, the three of us had his undivided attention. He didn't even falter. He sat next to me at dinner. I soaked up his scent and he smelled so good. He reached over to hold my hand and sparks literally flew. It took me a second to regain composure. I was shocked from my response to a simple touch of hand.

Our third date was Valentines Day. A monumentous occasion for me, but not for the symbol of love it bears. He had sent me a bouquet to work that day. A tear escaped from me. This particular Valentines Day would change my life.

He met me after work for a movie and late dinner. This day marked our first kiss. I remember every second of it and how we melted into each other and how we smiled. I still smile when I recall this particular moment.

Our relationship evolved to May and we moved in together. Me, my kids, my dog and my 12 brand new towels. There are so many particular moments between then and now where I look up to see this beautiful man and every single time he takes my breath away. He's really mine, I ask. I must have done something really good to deserve this. Something really good.

So many moments of laughter, fear, joy, anxiety, tears and unconditional love. Our relationship keeps evolving and I'm still amazed at how uncomplicated it all is. It's just so easy to love this man and be loved by this man.

He asked me to marry him. He placed a beautiful ring on my finger. He tells me I'm beautiful and somehow I believe him. It's all so surreal. This story of ours. Like those stories we read in books.

I remember hoping for a day when I would feel joy again. Lately it's coming in bushels and waves. So simple and unconditional.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Tis the season, yanno, and all...

I'm finding myself closing in on the end of yet another year.
Time for reflections in the water.
And this time I see the true form of self smiling back.

Bridges have been crossed.
The flag of insecurity burned.
Stones thrown at glass houses.
The water has pushed past the rocks.
The abyss is just a dot in the far off distance and I am going the opposite direction.
I've danced naked in a sea of familiar faces.
I've sang my anthem loud.
Janis, Alanis, Ani, Macy, Tori and even a little Beck.
"Fuck you motherfucker..."
Bitterness is just a somewhat old familiar taste that I've washed down with my morning coffee.

And here I sit in the middle of this empty field.
Frost clinging to the leftovers.
The broken stalks of corn.
My nipples hard from the chill.
A big wide smile on my face.
Because perserverance is my middle name.
Unconditional love conquered the beast.
And I am free.

I've lost a lover, but I am grateful for unconditional love and men who love empowered women.
I've lost a family. I am grateful for acceptance.
I have lost a big black dog. I am grateful for loyalty.
I have lost my dream home. I am grateful for the understanding that "home" is in the heart.
I have lost my own childhood memorabilia and my childrens baby books. I am grateful for my past, memories I will never forget.
I have endured grief, an empty chest and an ice pick in my kidneys. I am grateful for love overflowing.
I've been called insane by the insane. I am grateful for faith and trust in myself.
I've hyperventilated. I am grateful for the abundance of breath I breathe today.
My children have hated me. I am grateful for their endless hugs and kisses.
I have cried myself to sleep often. I am very grateful for touch.
I have stared cancer in the face. It mocked me and called me a whore. I am grateful for my health.
I've felt very much alone. I am grateful for true friends. "Whatever I need, whenever I need it."
I have been on Prozac and know the depths of depression. I am grateful for strength and voice.
And this one is funny...I have been called a prude. I...I...just don't have a comeback for that one. Just a smile.
I have been called fat. I am grateful for fire.
I have ripped myself apart in the mirror. I am grateful for beauty.
After years and years of condemning the idea of suicide and calling it selfish...I have considered it. I was this close to slamming my car into a telephone pole. I am grateful for my future.
I have driven a car whose transmission could've fallen out at any minute. Whose turn signal never worked. I am grateful for guardian angels and my very first new car.
I've spent holidays alone. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. I am grateful for family and the hussle and bussle.
I have wanted so desperately to stay in bed all day with the covers over my face. I am grateful for the morning light.

This Thanksgiving, I have a lot to be thankful for and it just couldn't go without saying.

Monday, November 20, 2006

O-HI-O

I've been swimming in the sea of scarlet and grey lately.
I've never been into football until I moved to Ohio. Sure I watched a little NFL here and there.

Saturday afternoons turned into a dedication to Ohio State University.
Shortly after I moved to Ohio I noticed bits and pieces of football everywhere.
The town I live in is a "Football Town."
Every Friday the kids wore their school colors and the menu consisted of "Touchdown Tacos."
There were signs in the yards of the proud parents.
Decals on car windows.
Even the corner ice cream shop was named after the mascot.
It didn't take me long to see that football was pretty big here.

I watched the games with Shawn.
I wore my OSU T-shirt on Saturdays to show my support.
I got even more and more excited as they kept winning, game after game.

I was told about the "Big Game." Ohio State vs. Michigan.
I was told it was the biggest game of the season and that it was a big rivalry.
I had no idea.

As the season progressed, OSU kept winning and I kept getting more and more excited to see "The Big Game."
As the game drew near, I started texting and emailing one of my college girlfriends (a Michigan fan) that OSU would kick their butt.
My screen saver became the OSU flag and song.

This was the season I would finally become a football fan.

The night before the game, we were having dinner out and as I looked around the room it was clear I was the only person not wearing scarlett and grey.
Saturday morning I decided to hit town to do a little shopping and as I meandered through the stores (this time in my own OSU T-shirt) I noticed how everyone else was wearing scarlett and grey.
Even the clerks donned their OSU apparrel at one of the department stores.
I sat in my car, waiting on the light and noticed that every single car that went by had a person wearing scarlett and grey in it.
Yup, football is that big in Ohio.
Big, and I am now one of them.
I decided not to fight the flow this time.
Just join in Carol, it makes your man happy.
If all I have to do to see that precious smile on his face is become an OSU fan...then I'll paint my bare chest red baby.

Our team didn't let us down either. It was a good, close game and "my guys" came out on top. Good job Bucks! From your newest fan.