Redefining
Oh, just sitting here enjoying a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato from my Morelli...Gawd, I love that man. xo
Anyways, (Focus Carol, focus. Do not let your mind stray to tall, wickedly handsome, buff, yummy, smart, easy to talk to, married, Morelli looking men who bring you gifts of Venti CMaccs and endless, loving conversations.) Today I'm expanding on my topic of BOUNDARIES. Another word I could use here is DEFINITION. What "defines" Carol? What are Carol's "boundaries?"
And why are "boundaries" and "definitions" so important to Carol all of a sudden?
(Don't you just love third person narrative?)
Why? Well, if I could easily describe my past relationships, in a few sentences, I would basically describe them as so:
STBX - The STBX and I never fought. In eleven years of marriage, I wanted to stab him in the eyeball with a spork several times...but I never did. In fact, I didn't say or do anything on my own behalf. I was afraid to disturb the "peace." (There is no room for fear in love.) I didn't feel the equality to speak on my own behalf. So it festered, it boiled and I gathered years and years of resentment towards the STBX. When I finally broke the mold and stopped being afraid and started to speak up...it was received as rebellion. The STBX didn't know how to receive my communication. And, fairly, I didn't know how to communicate properly. I had, after all just started getting my feet wet in the whole communication arena. We were in fact not equal. I was boundary-less. I had never uttered the words "I'm not okay with that." Hence, I wound up broken hearted or just plain broken. Thus, I need those emotional boundaries. I need to define what's "not okay." Boundary #1: If it's not about the children or not about the house...the STBX and I don't need to communicate. It's strictly a business transaction at this point.
Donkey Kong- DK actually shined a light on a few of the above comments. I owe a lot to DK for helping me see the reflections. But honestly, DK didn't want to receive anything I had to say either. And again, there was fear.The whole experience with DK almost shut me down for good. I almost closed myself off because I didn't want to be hurt yet once again. Almost. I let DK into my inner circle very fast and abandoned all. I threw all priorities out the window just to spend time with DK. I spent a lot of time, money and energy trying to force a friendship with DK. I didn't have those material boundaries in place and I was still working on the emotional boundaries with the STBX. It ended in a complete mess and it took me a couple of weeks to pick up those pieces. And that's when I realized I was boundary-less. Boundary #2: Do not abandon all for love. Stick to the priorities. #1 priority is the children. My children are the only ones who need my time, my money and my energy. Children learn by example. Teach children how to set boundaries.
Lack of boundaries. No definitions. No rules on how to play, just playing. Walk all over me please, as long as you "say" you love me and all I will do is resent you in the end. I would abandon all for "love." That's where I was. That's why I needed/need to make boundaries and put some rules in place otherwise I become chaotic and broken over and over again.
So, my resolution is to practice my definition. To set my boundaries. To establish where I need boundaries and not be afraid. There is no room for fear in love. I will love you and I will not be afraid to lose you. I will be true to myself which will deter any possible resentment. And in being true to myself...I will then, and only then, truly love you. This is me breaking the cycle of chaos and fear.
In saying all of this, I do think there are a very select few that know my boundaries within our relationship. I guarentee my children know my boundaries. There are a select few relationships that I know where my boundaries exist as well. The goal is to establish all boundaries in all relationships. All I have to do is to just be true to myself, not abandon all, no fear. That's easy enough, right? I'm getting there. It'll take some practice. Some redefining.
Anyways, (Focus Carol, focus. Do not let your mind stray to tall, wickedly handsome, buff, yummy, smart, easy to talk to, married, Morelli looking men who bring you gifts of Venti CMaccs and endless, loving conversations.) Today I'm expanding on my topic of BOUNDARIES. Another word I could use here is DEFINITION. What "defines" Carol? What are Carol's "boundaries?"
And why are "boundaries" and "definitions" so important to Carol all of a sudden?
(Don't you just love third person narrative?)
Why? Well, if I could easily describe my past relationships, in a few sentences, I would basically describe them as so:
STBX - The STBX and I never fought. In eleven years of marriage, I wanted to stab him in the eyeball with a spork several times...but I never did. In fact, I didn't say or do anything on my own behalf. I was afraid to disturb the "peace." (There is no room for fear in love.) I didn't feel the equality to speak on my own behalf. So it festered, it boiled and I gathered years and years of resentment towards the STBX. When I finally broke the mold and stopped being afraid and started to speak up...it was received as rebellion. The STBX didn't know how to receive my communication. And, fairly, I didn't know how to communicate properly. I had, after all just started getting my feet wet in the whole communication arena. We were in fact not equal. I was boundary-less. I had never uttered the words "I'm not okay with that." Hence, I wound up broken hearted or just plain broken. Thus, I need those emotional boundaries. I need to define what's "not okay." Boundary #1: If it's not about the children or not about the house...the STBX and I don't need to communicate. It's strictly a business transaction at this point.
Donkey Kong- DK actually shined a light on a few of the above comments. I owe a lot to DK for helping me see the reflections. But honestly, DK didn't want to receive anything I had to say either. And again, there was fear.The whole experience with DK almost shut me down for good. I almost closed myself off because I didn't want to be hurt yet once again. Almost. I let DK into my inner circle very fast and abandoned all. I threw all priorities out the window just to spend time with DK. I spent a lot of time, money and energy trying to force a friendship with DK. I didn't have those material boundaries in place and I was still working on the emotional boundaries with the STBX. It ended in a complete mess and it took me a couple of weeks to pick up those pieces. And that's when I realized I was boundary-less. Boundary #2: Do not abandon all for love. Stick to the priorities. #1 priority is the children. My children are the only ones who need my time, my money and my energy. Children learn by example. Teach children how to set boundaries.
Lack of boundaries. No definitions. No rules on how to play, just playing. Walk all over me please, as long as you "say" you love me and all I will do is resent you in the end. I would abandon all for "love." That's where I was. That's why I needed/need to make boundaries and put some rules in place otherwise I become chaotic and broken over and over again.
So, my resolution is to practice my definition. To set my boundaries. To establish where I need boundaries and not be afraid. There is no room for fear in love. I will love you and I will not be afraid to lose you. I will be true to myself which will deter any possible resentment. And in being true to myself...I will then, and only then, truly love you. This is me breaking the cycle of chaos and fear.
In saying all of this, I do think there are a very select few that know my boundaries within our relationship. I guarentee my children know my boundaries. There are a select few relationships that I know where my boundaries exist as well. The goal is to establish all boundaries in all relationships. All I have to do is to just be true to myself, not abandon all, no fear. That's easy enough, right? I'm getting there. It'll take some practice. Some redefining.
posted by tiny dancer | 11:32 AM
3 Comments:
Defining yourself outside the context of a fearful, loveless marriage is a hard task. We're on the same path, in that regard.
" a business transaction " what a perfect phrase. I hope you dont mind me borrowing it, for some future discussion I might have.
I'ld like to comment more, but I have something that requires my attention right now.
great writing by the way, I think the 3rd person narrative is fantastic :)
Excellent, love it! » »
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