Process
Pace yourself. I had a very "emotional" weekend. No worries, I'm good. Several things just kind of flowed at once. I hate when that happens. They just all kind of sneak up on you and kick you when you're down. It's a good thing I process and move on fast.
1) My "NYE date", Darin, called me back. Amazingly enough my psychobabble didn't scare him off. After agreeing to a dinner date Sunday, we talked on the phone for about an hour and within that hour it came to light that he is "not so sure" that his last "relationship" is completely over. Ohhhhh. hmmmm. So I made a judgment call on my behalf: I'm out. I don't want to spend my energy and get my hopes up on something and then find out him and her are back together. Nope, don't need that now do I. We agreed that if down the road he finds out that the said relationship is indeed very much over, at that point he can call me. I may or may not be available at said point. Sure, I'm just a little disappointed because I already had a wee bit o time and hope invested. Oh well, no biggie, moving on. I still had a very awesome NYE and I really needed that. And...a big, huge pat on the back for myself for establishing that boundary and protecting myself.
2) I probably shouldn't even be talking about this. But, this blog is my blog. This is where it all comes out, honest, gut wrenching truth. And he knows this. My Morelli. My very married Morelli. He's not mine. Although, I know this and I've known this everyday for the past three years...it still hurts sometimes. It still confuses me sometimes. It just so happened to hurt and confuse me this weekend. Oh well, no biggie, moving on. I guess that's what I get for opening that beautiful door. My Morelli is one of my best friends and for that I'm grateful.
3) The STBX. The marriage (or lack there of), the home (or lack there of)...We set a move date. He trusts me enough that he will not be present during the move. I will indeed have my stuff out of the house by the end of the month. Great! That makes me happy. What hit me hard was the vision of all of my past 12 years loaded up into a U-haul and me walking out of our home for the last time. Grief. That was my whole life and I've turned the corner only to find...What? I have NO CLUE. At this point everything about my life is temporary and I don't have any idea how long it will remain this way. Just waiting for dominoes to fall (doing what I can) and just being very patient. I've been in this temporary zone for six months now and frankly, I'm sick of it. I don't miss the STBX, I miss the comfort zone. I know it'll just make me appreciate what's waiting for me.
Those three things in one weekend. I tried to dance it off (I went dancing Saturday), I tried to drink it off (I caught a buzz Saturday), I tried to laugh it off (fun times with friends), I tried to sleep it off, I even tried my fail safe... "The Night at The Roxbury." But it hit me yesterday and all I could do was lay around in my pj's and cry while I watched "Charmed." I hate doing that! I hate succumbing to the pressure, but I guess I had no choice.
It amazes me how a person can feel so very much alone in this big, huge world. That overwhelming feeling of loneliness just sneaks right up on you. I'm not afraid to be alone. I've walked around downtown Chicago all day by myself. No biggie. I've gone to the theater by myself and walked around the mall by myself. No biggie. I spent Christmas morning by myself. No biggie. I spent four hours walking around the bay of Baltimore by myself. No biggie. I spent an entire day in The Art Institute of Chicago by myself. No biggie. I've spent many weekends at home by myself, doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms. No biggie. I work in a room by myself for the majority of the week. No biggie. What amazes me is when I can be surrounded by my best friends and family, I can be out having fun, I can be laughing to my favorite movie...but there is still that overwhelming feeling of being so very much alone. That bastard just sneaks up on ya.
Today, I'm emotionally better, but I woke up with a very painful stiff neck.
I process fast. I'm good. All better. Focused. Moving on very patiently. Chanting the words, "I never walk alone."
1) My "NYE date", Darin, called me back. Amazingly enough my psychobabble didn't scare him off. After agreeing to a dinner date Sunday, we talked on the phone for about an hour and within that hour it came to light that he is "not so sure" that his last "relationship" is completely over. Ohhhhh. hmmmm. So I made a judgment call on my behalf: I'm out. I don't want to spend my energy and get my hopes up on something and then find out him and her are back together. Nope, don't need that now do I. We agreed that if down the road he finds out that the said relationship is indeed very much over, at that point he can call me. I may or may not be available at said point. Sure, I'm just a little disappointed because I already had a wee bit o time and hope invested. Oh well, no biggie, moving on. I still had a very awesome NYE and I really needed that. And...a big, huge pat on the back for myself for establishing that boundary and protecting myself.
2) I probably shouldn't even be talking about this. But, this blog is my blog. This is where it all comes out, honest, gut wrenching truth. And he knows this. My Morelli. My very married Morelli. He's not mine. Although, I know this and I've known this everyday for the past three years...it still hurts sometimes. It still confuses me sometimes. It just so happened to hurt and confuse me this weekend. Oh well, no biggie, moving on. I guess that's what I get for opening that beautiful door. My Morelli is one of my best friends and for that I'm grateful.
3) The STBX. The marriage (or lack there of), the home (or lack there of)...We set a move date. He trusts me enough that he will not be present during the move. I will indeed have my stuff out of the house by the end of the month. Great! That makes me happy. What hit me hard was the vision of all of my past 12 years loaded up into a U-haul and me walking out of our home for the last time. Grief. That was my whole life and I've turned the corner only to find...What? I have NO CLUE. At this point everything about my life is temporary and I don't have any idea how long it will remain this way. Just waiting for dominoes to fall (doing what I can) and just being very patient. I've been in this temporary zone for six months now and frankly, I'm sick of it. I don't miss the STBX, I miss the comfort zone. I know it'll just make me appreciate what's waiting for me.
Those three things in one weekend. I tried to dance it off (I went dancing Saturday), I tried to drink it off (I caught a buzz Saturday), I tried to laugh it off (fun times with friends), I tried to sleep it off, I even tried my fail safe... "The Night at The Roxbury." But it hit me yesterday and all I could do was lay around in my pj's and cry while I watched "Charmed." I hate doing that! I hate succumbing to the pressure, but I guess I had no choice.
It amazes me how a person can feel so very much alone in this big, huge world. That overwhelming feeling of loneliness just sneaks right up on you. I'm not afraid to be alone. I've walked around downtown Chicago all day by myself. No biggie. I've gone to the theater by myself and walked around the mall by myself. No biggie. I spent Christmas morning by myself. No biggie. I spent four hours walking around the bay of Baltimore by myself. No biggie. I spent an entire day in The Art Institute of Chicago by myself. No biggie. I've spent many weekends at home by myself, doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms. No biggie. I work in a room by myself for the majority of the week. No biggie. What amazes me is when I can be surrounded by my best friends and family, I can be out having fun, I can be laughing to my favorite movie...but there is still that overwhelming feeling of being so very much alone. That bastard just sneaks up on ya.
Today, I'm emotionally better, but I woke up with a very painful stiff neck.
I process fast. I'm good. All better. Focused. Moving on very patiently. Chanting the words, "I never walk alone."
posted by tiny dancer | 9:42 AM
3 Comments:
I'm glad you're putting your process into words here because a lot of what you feel is what I feel. I wish I could write about it the way you do.
Good girl for pulling back from D. In an insane world, it was the sane thing to do.
xo
Gawd this brought back memories, learning to divorce and understanding that I didn't *need* any man...living on my own for the first time. You've already made it farther than I did, drawing that little line in the sand with Darin. You're awesome.
Its not so much that it hurts really, its just such a huge change that you can only accept it in individually wrapped little pieces.
You just put it all so perfectly into words...that's it, right there. wow.
Yep, you're awesome.
well i guess i wasnt the only one this weekend feeling a bit down. seems like its a little better for both of us today
(01-09-06).
you tagged me? i better get to typing ^^
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