Making a connection

I often start an entry only to delete what I wrote. I get halfway into it and then, blah, not feeling it anymore. I think about this blog community often. Pretty much daily. I think of how I got hooked and how things have changed and progressed from there. The blog thing perplexes me, but brings me great joy at the same time. I often wonder... why do I blog? Do I use this space as my very own journal? To get my feelings out or to try and organize my thoughts into something of my very own. Do I use this space for creative writing? To keep the juices flowing. Do I use this space to entertain? To reach out to an audience.
What I've come to realize, is that I use this space for all of the above. It's mine. I write what I feel often times. I write from my heart and most times I come up with a great ending that even I didn't realize was there. I write to amuse my audience often times. I like the idea of somebody reading me and thinking good thoughts about me. I also use this space to fill that gulf of loneliness. This is why sometimes I get a little anxious when I have no commenters. (Except Andi, she is my number one freind. I like to read what's on other peoples minds too. But, I think most of all I am here because I have friends here. Here is where I can go, any time of day, to find you. You, the open heart and open ear. I use this space to feel connected. I fit here. I can say whatever it is I want to say and you won't leave me. You are always here.
This space has been here for me through a lot. When I first started blogging in AOL, I was depressed. I was crawling hands and knees out of an abyss that I had been in for two years. This space has been here for me on the lonely days at work and lonely days after separation. This space continues to be here for me through separation and through new found life.
Through this space I stay connected. Andi is so very far away, but through this space I feel like I talk to her and see her often. Through this space I have found some pretty amazing people. People I have never met, but feel like I've known forever. I picture Kris sitting at her desk at work in her hooker boots, drinking bad coffee and giving her boss a hard time. I see Andi walking home from work in her Mary Janes making coo-coo noises to the little Joseys of the world. I see Chuck talking to his bird, drinking his tea and reading some thick ass book on something that would totally warp my brain by someone whose name I can't even pronounce. I see James sitting in his unmade bed w/ his laptop on his lap typing this fabulous story and glancing at the clock every now and then contemplating what time it is in Indiana. Hee. I see Stephanie giving BJ's, I mean going to BJ's and trying on sunglasses. I see Amy in her beautiful birthday suit wondering what word to place in her new poem next. (I MISS YOU AMY)
My mind just kinda skips to the map and places people in their spot. Cali, Nevada, Maryland, Washington, New Mexico. I often wonder what kind of flowers you all have that I can't grow here. What colors you see when you look out your own windows.
I sit here in my lonely space at work. Holding silent conversation with myself all day long. Drinking my coffee from a travel mug. Watching the clock. Waiting to pick up my kids from my friends house after work. Traveling the highway and through amish country home. Waiting to make dinner for my SLJ. Waiting to wrap my arms around him and kiss the dog attack scars on his arm. Our house is an old train station. I have my great grandfathers adding machine on the end table in the living room. We have green bedroom walls and bamboo shades. Above the shades hang a wrought iron bar wrapped lazily in a creamy wrinkly silk fabric. I have my Picasso Gaurnica print above the TV. My six pound boston curled in my lap. Wondering if everyone is as disfunctional and crazy as I am. These are the things I wonder about you. How are we different or similar and why do I care so much for people I don't even know? Will I ever meet you?

This is my connection to a space where I am always found, always free and never alone.