I'm a biter not a bitter.
* Later edit - Um, just for the record, if it sounds like I'm upset about what Sneakz wrote about me being bitter...I am not upset. I harbor no ill thoughts toward Sneakz...in fact, no, never mind, I shall not share the thoughts I do have about Sneakz, I'll save that for the porn chatroom. (Totally kidding. Sorta.)Winka Winka.
What I was trying to say here is it was at that moment that I realized I was still hurting. Like Duh. I don't want to hurt. Frankly, the STBX isn't worth that energy and time. I want to move on. So bad.
In order to do that I have to forgive myself. I have changed so much in the last year, I'm just trying to keep pace with it all and accept it all. And this is where I see my reflection. Some days I'm happy with what I see. Some days I am not. But I have to accept all of it. I know that bitter won't be around forever. In the meantime I'll just have fun with it.
So, I'm not going to lie...I was shocked when I read Sneakz plug and it said I was "bitter."
I read that and I was like:
"OMG Dude, I'm so bitter. Wow."
"Ack, but I don't want to be bitter."
"Why am I so bitter? The STBX did me a favor."
"So what if I'm bitter, I'm allowed."
"But geesh, I really don't want to be bitter."
"A nasty, bitter, spinster, who sings along to Lita Ford all day."
"I won't be bitter forever. This is just healing."
"If you knew what I put up with from The STBX all of those years, you would be bitter too."
"But see, that's why I'm bitter. Because I allowed it. Shame on me."
"Yah, but seriously, I wouldn't be such a great person now, if I hadn't experienced all of those things."
Those are basically all of the things that went thru my head. And basically I'm left to conclude that being bitter is just part of the healing process. Bitter won't be here forever. Right now, I'm just in this stage where my eyes are open to all of that shit I allowed and made excuses for. Like the whole locked keys in the car incident. It just popped up in that entry like it had happened yesterday. I hadn't thought of that incident for years...it just showed up in that entry and I was amazed by it. Wow. He did that and I accepted it. I was hurt and I didn't say a gawd damn thing. Wow. Things like this have been popping up in my head for the last six months. I'm not going to lie... over the years he did some damage and I just took it. I accepted it. I can't believe I accepted it. Love is blind.
I did love him for years! And anybody that knows the STBX, knows that it can't of been easy (bitter). He is not a bad man, but he is a selfish asshole.
The difference now is that I no longer love him. I am no longer blind. In fact I see the errors of my ways and I think that's what makes me so bitter. I'm angry at myself. How could I have just sat back and allowed it? I'm just realizing this. Right now, right here. I am angry at me.
Wow.
Well, we all know how to fix that now don't we... a good ol' jack n coke. Ha, just kidding. I'm seriously not a lush, I just pretend to be. (This is me making a funny and trying to change the subject. Andrea, you know me so well. Winka.)
Guess Dancer needs to forgive herself and untie those hands. A work in progress. Back to the whole NY Resolutin...Forgive, Forget and just be Happy. In time.
In the meantime... I'm thinking of sending myself a dozen roses to my office on V-day. Those people love to talk...that'll give them something to talk about (and put a devilish grin on my face.) Any suggestions on what the card might say? I'm thinking along the lines of "You Rocked my World."
Sneakz...I think I'm gonna need the address of your office as well...I've got something cooking up for you baby! They might see the good Jewish boy in a whole new light when I'm done. If we can't join them we might as well beat them...
What I was trying to say here is it was at that moment that I realized I was still hurting. Like Duh. I don't want to hurt. Frankly, the STBX isn't worth that energy and time. I want to move on. So bad.
In order to do that I have to forgive myself. I have changed so much in the last year, I'm just trying to keep pace with it all and accept it all. And this is where I see my reflection. Some days I'm happy with what I see. Some days I am not. But I have to accept all of it. I know that bitter won't be around forever. In the meantime I'll just have fun with it.
So, I'm not going to lie...I was shocked when I read Sneakz plug and it said I was "bitter."
I read that and I was like:
"OMG Dude, I'm so bitter. Wow."
"Ack, but I don't want to be bitter."
"Why am I so bitter? The STBX did me a favor."
"So what if I'm bitter, I'm allowed."
"But geesh, I really don't want to be bitter."
"A nasty, bitter, spinster, who sings along to Lita Ford all day."
"I won't be bitter forever. This is just healing."
"If you knew what I put up with from The STBX all of those years, you would be bitter too."
"But see, that's why I'm bitter. Because I allowed it. Shame on me."
"Yah, but seriously, I wouldn't be such a great person now, if I hadn't experienced all of those things."
Those are basically all of the things that went thru my head. And basically I'm left to conclude that being bitter is just part of the healing process. Bitter won't be here forever. Right now, I'm just in this stage where my eyes are open to all of that shit I allowed and made excuses for. Like the whole locked keys in the car incident. It just popped up in that entry like it had happened yesterday. I hadn't thought of that incident for years...it just showed up in that entry and I was amazed by it. Wow. He did that and I accepted it. I was hurt and I didn't say a gawd damn thing. Wow. Things like this have been popping up in my head for the last six months. I'm not going to lie... over the years he did some damage and I just took it. I accepted it. I can't believe I accepted it. Love is blind.
I did love him for years! And anybody that knows the STBX, knows that it can't of been easy (bitter). He is not a bad man, but he is a selfish asshole.
The difference now is that I no longer love him. I am no longer blind. In fact I see the errors of my ways and I think that's what makes me so bitter. I'm angry at myself. How could I have just sat back and allowed it? I'm just realizing this. Right now, right here. I am angry at me.
Wow.
Well, we all know how to fix that now don't we... a good ol' jack n coke. Ha, just kidding. I'm seriously not a lush, I just pretend to be. (This is me making a funny and trying to change the subject. Andrea, you know me so well. Winka.)
Guess Dancer needs to forgive herself and untie those hands. A work in progress. Back to the whole NY Resolutin...Forgive, Forget and just be Happy. In time.
In the meantime... I'm thinking of sending myself a dozen roses to my office on V-day. Those people love to talk...that'll give them something to talk about (and put a devilish grin on my face.) Any suggestions on what the card might say? I'm thinking along the lines of "You Rocked my World."
Sneakz...I think I'm gonna need the address of your office as well...I've got something cooking up for you baby! They might see the good Jewish boy in a whole new light when I'm done. If we can't join them we might as well beat them...
posted by tiny dancer | 12:21 PM
4 Comments:
I wouldn't say you were bitter because you're writing about the demons and truths you're just now facing with such brutal honesty. Nah. I'd say you were delightful droll.
Honestly, though, there's nothing wrong with being a tad bitter for someone where you are right now. Because you have gone through a lot of shit and are continuing to go through shit. It's only when you become purely bitter without taking time to see the bright side, which allows you to heal, that your friends would worry about. And that ain't you, not even on your worst day.
You are so NOT bitter, just wiser.
Like you, once I stopped really being in love with my X, I did the shudder, followed by the "what the hell was I thinking?!" stuff. I still do the "what the hell was I thinking?!" all the time, with both of them. #1 was at our house for a spell Saturday and I did about four shudders and a small gag before the day was over.
I was extremely bitter for the year after I found out what an absolute sociopath my ex-boyfriend was, and did everything I could to make him suffer like I did. THAT would be bitter.
My point (and I do have one) is that there's a good, mature bitter and a bad one, and I'm thinking yours is pretty positive. The hurt's still new and fresh and you're still learning from it.
Besides, I don't think Mr. Sneakz has a mean bone in his body. I'm sure he didn't mean it in a bad way.
=) kris
Bitter is the new black, my dear. Haven't you heard?
Furthermore, why is it hard for me to consider someone with the pen name "Tiny Dancer" to be bitter? For what it's worth, I appreciate your writing, bitter or not. It's honest and I'm positive the plug was well intended.
Man, I get a lot of run when I piss people off. But, like Oscar Wilde said, it's better to be talked about than not talked about.
That said, you know that I was talking about myself more than I was talking about you, my bitter and adorable friend.
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