Pictures, Dishes and Ghosts

I couldn't stop starring at the damn wall. You see, I had several framed snapshots to hang somewhere. Pics of the kids in their Halloween costumes. Several pics w/ toothless grins and tongues out. Pics of me in the hospital holding my newborn. Pics of kids buried in the sand up to their ears. And one very special large pic that Andi gave me as a present last year way back in 05' before the great move. A very special Yak-Yak pic that she blew up and framed. I've had that pic for over a year now and it never had it's own space on the wall. That is, until now.So I can sit at the kitchen table and look into the other room and see my arrangement of special pictures outlined by the arched doorway in that room. I just couldn't stop starring at the arrangement. It was just another special moment for me as I'm settling into my new life. A perfect place for my Yak-Yak pic that didn't have a place.

The thing that I just can't get over is how generous SLJ is with his space. I worry that I'm "taking over." I worry that one day he'll wake-up, glance around and ask himself what the hell happened to his house. I'm constantly asking him if this or that is okay. And his response is "Do whatever you want. Change whatever you want. As long as I have you, it doesn't matter." He's unbelievable. I even get to remodel the kitchen around my Goodwill antique Mikasa dishes. I know I've told the story of my Goodwill find, but I'll tell it again. Shortly after the STBX and I separated, I started purchasing things that I knew I would need living on my own. I started replacing the things that I had left behind to the STBX. I needed a set of dishes. As I was driving home from work one day I had this "instict" to stop at the Goodwill store and check out the dishes. I walk in to find this complete set of brown and black, scroll work design Mikasa dishes. I was instantly in love with these dishes! I bought the entire set for $20. After I did a little research I found that my entire set is worth around $300. A true find. So I made plans that in my new place I would totally design my kitchen around this set of dishes that I'm in love with. So these dishes were stored in a box for the 10 months I lived with my parents. Once in a while I would unwrap a bowl just to take a peek. Last night SLJ and I talked about the plans to re-do the kitchen. Bye-bye apples, hello Mikasa my love.

I had a complete break down Saturday morning. Not entirely sure what happened, but I'm guessing that what triggered it was SLJ saying something that he'd lost a few lbs. SLJ comes from the same background as I do. Both of us married to people who ripped us apart about our bodies. SLJ has lost a ton of weight since his X. I lost 20 lbs. for my X. We are both very sensitive about our weight. Products of cruel, shallow people. Even though SLJ and I totally dig each others body, we still remain somewhat sensitive. SLJ just said something about him losing a few lbs. and I think I felt a thing apart. I crawled into that little familiar shallow world where my weight matters and it angered me. I went back up to bed and thought about staying there. First I had to figure out why I was crying. So I reviewed my few minutes of the morning and when I came to weight, the tears started flowing. There it was. So SLJ held me for a few minutes, told me I was beautiful, said we should go to the nursery and get some dirt and plants to play with. (He knows I love dirt.) It was still a struggle to want to get out of the bed, but I went. And then as soon as we got back home I crawled back into bed and SLJ played in the dirt by himself. I slept off the breakdown. A couple hours later I was better. Man, that's exhausting hunting down old ghosts and getting rid of them. Whew. I get scared in these situations. I instantly think that I've fell into an abyss again. Just the thought scares me. But then I realize that I'm going to have some tough days. I've been through a hell of a lot in the last year. Major life changes, and I'm going to have some not so good days with those old ghosts. True to form, I always come out swinging.

Things I'm looking forward to:
There's a wedding with SLJ's family this coming weekend. I have a strict no weddings, no funerals rule. Broke both of them this month. I'm actually excited about this wedding though. His family is fun and I'm enjoying getting to know them.

We have to be home by 9:00 though because the finale to "Ultimate Fighter" is on. Of course it would be on at the same time as "Guests of the Ayatollah." Go figure. So I'm recording Guests and watching UF. (Yes, my interests vary. We'll just say that I'm "well rounded." Or crazy. Crazy works too.)

I also get my babies back this coming weekend. The STBX got them earlier and for an extended amt. of time because The MIL is in town and it was Fathers Day and because I'm nice like that. He wanted them for 3 weeks...I'm not that nice. He got them for 10 days. I need my babies.

But I will enjoy my alone time with SLJ this week...