Me and you and my old friend fear

Fear is a nasty little creep isn't it. I was having some really weird feelings this weekend and couldn't figure out what my problem was. I'm finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Doors are finally shutting and opening and in a few months I will most likely be out of my limbo and into a sort of comfort zone again. It's been almost 9 months of waiting and wanting and some of those dominoes are starting to fall... and I suddenly freak out. WTF?

I realized it was fear. I'm "getting back" some of the things I've "lost" and I'm scared to death that if I actually get it, I'll lose it again.

I had some major jealousy issues this weekend. That jealousy surprised me. Those old familiar feelings of inadequacy and jealousy I had w/ the STBX crept back up here and there. I haven't had to deal with those feelings for a little while and then poof, something small and insignificant triggered it. It started w/ a dream that was just a little difficult to shake. And then everything else followed. Weird how the mind plays games on reality. Self protect mechanisms kick in without a conscious effort.

Check this out...

Last Wednesday I spoke to the STBX. We decided that the attorneys are taking too long and that we need to hammer out a few things amongst ourselves and then go to the attorneys. So in doing this, I am thinking that my divorce should be final in no more than a few months at the latest. Cool.

It also looks like I have a plan of action. School will be out soon, I have a general game plan about our living situation. I'm excited about it. Going through my storage unit in my head. Material possessions that I've somehow lived without but miss just a little are going to be around me again. Organization and peace once again. Surrounded by everything that I love and want to be with. Seeing my santcuary once more in the near future.

My kids are with their father 6 days straight at the MILs house. They come back Weds. and will be with me for 5 days straight. Just splitting up Spring break. So, without my kids, I've been staying with SLJ in Ohio. We usually don't get this much time together, so it's been a nice treat. I moved a few things out of my overnight bag and into the medicine cabinet. Big steps. Getting more comfortable. This is where slight fear of losing all that is good steps in on some unconscious level.

I had a dream that SLJ hooked up with a woman I went to school with. Nicole. Nicole just so happened to steal my boyfriend in 8th grade. Nicole and SLJ hooked up in my dream. That was a hard one to shake. Once more, my buddy fear makes an appearance.

Small discussions and reminders here and there about past relationships enter the scene. Haircuts. Bedding. Cocobutter. Porn. X-ray training. Baby items. Just little, insignificant things that heighten the awareness of old fears, old pains and old insecurities.

I realize I'm acting crazy. Why do I feel like crying and burying my head? And then it dawns on me... This is my old friend Fear. Fear of losing a dream that doesn't entirely exist yet. Amazing how the mind can play it's tricks.

The past will remain in the past. Everything (including SLJ) is different now. Nothing but miracles await. I dance with my hands free now.

(In my sleep, I think I said "You aren't him" and I think you said "No, I'm not." Is that right? It seems familiar. Maybe I just thought that a million times and am constantly comforted by the fact that you are real and that I am loved unconditionally.)