One Girl, One Casino & One Bottle of Merlot

So travel I did. Took James advice and headed South. I had actually decided on Louisville. Always wanted to stay in Louisville. No reason. Just did. So I hopped in my truck around noon on Friday and was off. No reservations, no idea how to actually get to downtown Louisville but thought I'd figure it out when I got there. So I'm going down the 65 and see a billboard that announces "BELTERRA CASINO & SPA, exit here, turn left." Well Frell, that sounds fun...never been gambling. Goodbye Louisville, Hello Casino & Spa.

I followed the directions on the 2 billboards that I saw and wound up somewhere in the middle of BFE. I drove for a decade and nothing. Just little town after little town. Where the frell are those slot machines? Thank gawd for the compass on my dash. Time to pull over and pull out a map. Problem was...I didn't know exactly what town the casino was in. "Hello mom. Can you get online and tell me where the Belterra Casino is?" And then I lost my cell signal. Crap. Okay. General idea of where I'm going. I think it's somewhere near Vevay. After I yelled at my cell and pounded my stearing wheel real hard, I saw a beautiful flowing stream. "Oh look, a stream. Oh my is that...a mountain?" No. No mountains in the Hoosier state, but Southern Indiana is very hilly. All of a sudden there were hills everywhere. And along with hills come curvy, windy backroads. Thru backroads, by green pastures, over hills and past lots of junk cars, I trekked. And kept trekking until up in the distance I saw it. The casino. Right on the Ohio River between Louisville and Cincinnati. About an hour away from where I first saw the billboard.

Resort, 38,000 sq. ft. of casino, golf, 3 restaurants and a spa. I pulled up to the valet, grabbed my bag and walked in. There was a Ben & Jerrys to my left and a Starbucks to my right. "Honey, I'm home."

I checked in, walked in my room and did a little squeel. Not only was there a beautiful tiled shower, but also a jet tub. Cool. First things first, gotta pee. And I peed with the bathroom door open I did. Ah. Privacy. I haven't peed with the door open in like six months. It really is the little things isn't it.

Second, booked a massage at the spa for Saturday.

Third, called mom to let her know I was still alive. "Mom, I've found heaven on earth and it was only like a 4 hour drive." "Watch out for the weirdos," she says. And being the smart ass I am I say, "Um okay but what do they look like?" "Well they look normal but act a little weird," she says. Cool. Now I'm a divorced, bitter, weirdo. Then she says, "Be careful. Gambling addicts run on your dads side." Yah, like I'm going to squander my familys "fortune."

So I'm all settled and by this time it's close to 7pm and my stomach is eating my backbone. Do I venture downstairs and dine alone or do I order room service. Okay, room service it is. I'm thinking a bottle of wine to go with dinner, then maybe a hot bubble bath and maybe a pay per view. Save the adventure for tomorrow. "Hi, I'd like to place a dinner order. I'll have the jumbo shrimp cocktail, the Ceasar salad and a bottle of the Robert Mondavi Merlot please." It wasn't 10 minutes before the nice looking young man was knocking on my door. After wrestling with the cork and the useless plastic corkscrew for eternity (those blasted things), I finally poured my glass, plopped myself and the food tray on my king sized bed (yes, king) and devoured my dinner as I laughed to an episode of "Friends." (That Joey, I swear.) Can this get any better? I think not. And then it hits me: Ben & Jerrys. Ben & Jerrys=Phish Food in a waffle cone. Oh my. I wrestled with my convictions over Phish Food for about ten minutes before I put my shoes on and made a trip downstairs to indulge.

Phish Food and I have a history. It started with Chunky Monkey about 5 or 6 years ago and then turned into a complete obsession with Phish Food. I'm not kidding when I tell you I had at least 2 pints a week for about six months. I am not kidding. My rear is proof. I gained 20 lbs. And to top it all off...it started on a Valentines Day. Yes. Yes it did. Damn that blasted day. So to conclude; it was Valentines Day and Ben & Jerry that led to the complete demise of my marriage. Well, okay... I gave up the Phish Food, and the anti-depressant, and lost 24 lbs...and my marriage still declined. So why couldn't I indulge in a little Phish Food now? No reasons I could think of. I returned to my room with not one, but two scoops of Phish Food in a chocolate dipped waffle cone. The sad part is, it wasn't all that great. I couldn't for the life of me remember why I had an obsession with Phish Food. Ah. Oh yes...seeking love in the bottom of a pint of icecream. They don't call it comfort food for just any ol' reason now do they. (But that's another story entirely.) I tossed about half the cone in the trash. Didn't need it. Didn't really want it. Hmmm. All sorts of revelations and confirmations there.

On to the bubble bath. I poured myself another glass of Merlot, adjusted the bathroom TV (yes, Bathroom TV) so I could watch "Ghost Whisperer" while I soaked. It really is the simple things. I gave up a garden tub when I left my house w/ the STBX, but it just makes me appreciate a nice long soak in the tub just that much more.After the bath, I poured myself yet another glass of Merlot and ferretted in with my booketh.

Day Two
At 9am, a rather annoying emergency alarm went off. Turns out it was just a false alarm, but didn't stop the whole hotel from venturing down to the lobby. Lucky for me, I was already up and dressed. I felt bad for the gals in their PJs. I think it was just a ploy to get everyone downstairs for Starbucks and baked goods. I'm positive it was.

I ventured to the casino. Was a bit overwhelmed. Walked around the whole place just observing. I've never gambled before. Never played the slots. Hadn't the first clue. Figured it out pretty darn quick though. I stuck to the quarter and nickel slots. I'm not going to tell you how much I lost. But my mom will be happy to know I didn't squander anyones fortune and indeed knew where the limit was.

I ate lunch by myself at one of the restaurants. People are not conditioned to be alone. I was standing at the sign that read "Please wait to be seated" and the hostess asked me if I was looking for someone. "No. No, party of one. I'm a weirdo."

I had a late afternoon full body massage. I indulge in the ol' back massages every now and then. I really needed this one after that stent with my stiff neck a week or so ago. I just about jumped off the table a couple of times when she was working my scapula areas. Whoa, those were some big daddy knots. When she was done, she admitted that I really needed that massage. "Yah, about 12 years of headaches and stress to releive. You had your work cut out for ya ma'am."

For dinner I got all dolled up and trekked back downstairs. The restaurants were crowded and I really, really, didn't want to sit at a table by myself. Just couldn't do it. So I went back upstairs and once again called room service. After all I still had a half a bottle of Merlot. So I get my dinner tray (French onion soup, Chicken breast sandwich and really yummy fries.) Changed into my jammies and watched a pay per view.

Later, I stepped out into the hallway to place my dinner tray out and all of a sudden...bump, click, I was locked out of my room. With no key. Bare feet. In my PJ's. In my t-shirt that reads "Do you like my coconuts?" Luckily, I still had my bra on, but of course it had to be the black one under a white t. Ah Shit. Please gawd. Do not make me go down to the lobby in my PJ's. There are tons of people down there. Please, Please no. At that very instant I thought I had entered some sort of time warp and had switched places with Andi. This sounds like something that would be in Andi's journal. I called on my courage, took a deep breath and headed towards the elevators. There just happened to be a nice couple in the elevator heading down. I asked if they would please stop at the front desk and tell someone to come up with a key because I really wasn't dressed appropriately. Those sweet, sweet, dear people. May gawd bless them. A nice front desk clerk appeared minutes later with an extra key.

Upon entering my room, I poured myself another glass of Merlot and toasted to, well, myself. Here's looking at you kid.

I left early on Sunday and made it home around 1pm. That was fun. Better than sitting at home, er, my parents house, watching re-runs of "Charmed." Bravo Dancer. Bravo. Job well done. Except, I still haven't made it to Louisville. Oh well, there's always next month.