Still Waters

This is my plate. This is everything on my plate. Here have some desert. I can spare. I'm full up.
I am a person that can handle loads of stress. Pile it on. I have strong shoulders, I can handle. I'm not saying I don't break down. I do. But I get up and come out fighting.
I had a small breakdown on Monday. I got some results back from the doctor that were just a little upsetting. I'm okay. I'm not dying (well, we're all dying) but these results are not so serious. I have to go back in tomorrow for further testing. It's not that big of a deal, just more than I needed right now. It's amazing how we can instantly turn into that scared little kid we once were. So while I was at it, I made another appt. with my dermatologist to check out some skin things. Might as well stress when I'm already stressed. Yanno. Let's just evalutate my overall health while we're at it and then move on.

I spent my Monday evening consoling my youngest son. He had some sort of breakdown when I told him to get started on his homework that evening. BOOM! Instant breakdown. I recognized it as my little guy needing reassurance and some solid attention. So I spent the entire evening with him in his bedroom talking about anything and everything. Mostly horses and muskrats. Okay. But finally by 9pm, he snapped out of it and his world was right again. He didn't get any homework done and I didn't get anything done that I had planned to do. My happy little guy is back and that's all that matters.

Tonight is parent teacher conferences. That same little guy is struggling in second grade. His grades are great. He just lacks motivation. Not to mention that they have more homework in the second grade than I had in college. He has homework every night. Not just things that don't get done in class either...actual work to be done at home. It makes me angry when all these kids really need is a good climb in a tree or to feel the wind in their hair as they zip down the drive on their bikes. But NO. They must sit inside and work their brain just a wee bit more while their parents are constantly reminding them to focus. And while their fifth grade brother (who NEVER has homework) is outside having fun.It's really unjust and I'm just in the right mood to say a little something about it tonight in P/T conferences. Only 4 1/2 more weeks of school.
Being a parent is the hardest thing ever. There is no room for failure there. There is no self.

Which brings me to the fact that I don't have a clue as to where I'm moving and who will be babysitting my kids this summer. 3 weeks ago I gave the STBX an ultimatum. I need a plan of action. I need to create a home for my boys. I need this divorce done, so I can move on. I need him to get his ass in gear. I called him up, gave him two choices. We're meeting for an early lunch on Friday to discuss and agree. Why we have to actually meet I haven't a clue. I personally prefer to see him as less as possible. I recognize what's happening. Meeting face to face is his chance to control the situation and intimidate. He's a funny boy. I'm a smart woman. I'm in control at all times. He doesn't know my hands are untied and that I'm dancing freely.

Every Tuesday night I meet w/ my business partner and work on our venture. Our goal is to have the first draft of our plan done by the end of April (which is next week). I try not to think of everything that still needs done. I just try to think of the constant progress we make. When I set out to go somewhere, I always make it. I may drive faster or slower than the posted speed. I may turn down a country road instead of taking the interstate. I may stop for coffee or to use the restroom. I may change my destination and follow the casino sign...but I always find my way. 63B.

SLJ is starting a dirt/plant project. I get to help. I get to play in the dirt. You have no idea how exciting that is for me. I heart dirt. At my SLJ's house, everything goes. If I want to take a quick nap I can. If I want to shower more than once a day, I can. If I want M&M's, I can. If I want pizza, I can. If I want to take a quick spin on the 4-wheeler, I can. If I want to go shopping, I can. If I'm done shopping and just really want to go home, I can. If I want to watch movies in my PJ's, I can. He has created this wonderful space for me. A refuge. A sanctuary that I've been missing. And when I really need a hug or really need to be told I'm beautiful, I don't even have to ask. He just makes it happen. I have found my caramel chocolate.

My transmission hasn't dropped yet and my turn signal still works occasionally.

I have just enough money in my account to fill my gas tank until the next payday. That's better than most of the population I suppose. My bills are paid at least.

I'm in a good place. I can handle. I always have. This is living. Silvia and Ortiz won the fight. I think I can do better. Just hand over the title boys.